


This Is What Heartbreak Feels Like

by ClexHollstein



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-23 18:30:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 46,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7475253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClexHollstein/pseuds/ClexHollstein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke Griffin and Lexa Woods have known each other since they were kids but certain events cause their relationship to be tested. Will their individual paths of self-discovery tear them apart for good or will it bring them closer than ever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Every Story Has A Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> I love reading fanfics (especially Clexa ones) and I love writing so I figured I'd try to write one! I also write when I need to sort things out because writing helps me see things a little differently and this is similar to what's been going on, so welcome to my coming out story...

Clarke and Lexa had been best friends for nearly seven years by the time they reached their Freshman year of high school. They met when they were put on the same Instructional basketball team in the third grade. Lexa had always been the tom-boy of their class who always played football with the boys at recess despite them making fun of her for her abnormal strength level for a girl her age. Clarke, on the other hand, had always been one of the more popular girls. She had lots of friends and those who weren’t already her friend wanted to be. Despite being opposites, the two grew very close fairly quickly. They spent time with each other during school, basketball practice, and soon began their tradition of playing Monopoly at least once a week in Clarke’s basement- they never actually finished a game because they always resorted to putting all of the money in the box and throwing it all in the air.  
By the time high school came, they were practically family. They’re parents were just as good of friends as they were- mostly from basketball games, team outings, and even the occasional barbaque. Over their last summer before high school, Clarke spent endless days at Lexa’s house and Lexa spent countless nights at Clarke’s complete with swimming, Monopoly, and Disney movie marathons- which usually started or ended with The Little Mermaid, Clarke’s favorite.  
The morning of their first day of high school, Lexa was nervous but excited at the same time. Her sister, Anya, had always said how much fun she had had in high school so Lexa was eager to start, but at the same time she was unsure about all of the new people that were going to be there. Technically, they were all new but there were literally going to be over a thousand people that she didn’t know and that made her uncomfortable. She was very shy around people she didn’t know but once she was comfortable, she opened up a bit and it was ok. She knew she just had to find Clarke and her other friends from her middle school and she wouldn’t have anything to worry about.  
Lexa’s mom dropped her off outside the main entrance where it looked like all of the other freshmen were getting let off. She sent a text to Clarke to let her know that she had got there. Clarke responded quickly telling her to go straight to the gym. She waved good bye to her mom one more time and headed towards the gym, or what she was hoping was the gym. Arkadia High School was a pretty big school. Luckily she was right because she heard yelling as she got closer and when she entered there was a sea of fourteen year olds talking, sitting on the bleachers. Some were throwing stuff, some were just sitting looking terrified, and some were even still eating breakfast. Lexa scanned the crowd, desperate to see someone she recognized because she was already beginning to feel uncomfortable. Just when she was about to lose all hope, she spotted Clarke near the top of the bleachers, standing up and waving both hands at her, smiling. She was already with some of their other friends: Harper, Jasper, Monty, Monroe, and Maya. They had all known each other since sixth grade but Clarke and Lexa were the glue of the group since they’d known each other the longest.  
“Hey guys!” Lexa greeted as she made her way to the top taking her usual spot next to Clarke. The group shouted their usual welcomes back and they talked for a bit about what they did the past week and how ready they weren’t to be back at school, new experiences be damned. Clarke made Lexa feel a little bit more comfortable, despite the hundreds of people around her, but she was still a little jittery. Clarke caught on to this and placed her hand on Lexa’s leg that was bouncing up and down to calm her.  
“It’s only for a half hour or so and then we should be getting out of the gym. We just have to listen to the principal for a while and then from what I heard we’ll get to go in smaller groups,” Clarke said gently as she leaned toward Lexa. Just then, the Principal walked up to the lone microphone in the center of the gym floor and talked for a bit. From what Lexa mildly paid attention to, he introduced himself as Principal Jaha and he ‘formally’ welcomed us to Arkadia High. When he was finished, Clarke’s prediction came true because Jaha started to read names from a list dividing the freshman class into smaller groups for “Icebreaker activities” as Jaha put it. Lexa cursed under her breath when Clarke’s name was read and she wasn’t in her group. Clarke got up to walk down the bleachers to the floor but turned back to Lexa,  
“Make sure you come find me at lunch, ok?” Lexa nodded and smiled, but found herself starting to feel uneasy again. She eventually heard her name called again her group was led to a classroom not too far from the gym. They were instructed by a member of the Spirit Committee, a current student, to grab some chairs and sit in a circle. She sat down and another girl immediately sat down next to her. She was shorter than Lexa, but similar dark hair, pulled back in braids and with lots of eye shadow. She was wearing a really worn jacket, grey pants, and dark grey boots. Overall it was a similar outfit to Lexa’s. Their first activity was to introduce themselves by saying their name, any hobbies, and what occupation they were interested in. Lexa hated things like this. She didn’t see the point. No one is going to remember anything from this. While she was internally protesting, it became the girl’s turn next to her. She introduced herself as Octavia Blake, that she liked music and wanted to be a physical therapist when she graduated college. Lexa was studying the girl next to her when she looked back at her. Lexa then realized it was her turn. She hated this.  
“I’m Alexandria Woods, but everyone just calls me Lexa. I play basketball and I’m not sure what I want to do yet.” She spat it out as quickly as she could and got it over with. Once all of the excruciating introductions were finished, they had to partner up, another thing that Lexa hated passionately. Luckily, Octavia turned to her and asked if she would be her partner and she quickly agreed. Octavia was actually quite friendly and after a while Lexa’s anxiety level lowered considerably. Turns out Octavia and her brother were new in town and didn’t know a lot of people so she was looking for new friends too so Lexa and she agreed to exchange numbers and Lexa surprised herself and extended an invitation to Octavia for her to come and join her and her other friends at lunch which she gratefully accepted.  
Lunch finally came and Lexa found Clarke like she promised, with Octavia in tow behind her. As she approached, she noticed a girl she didn’t recognize sitting next to Clarke. She came up behind them and waited for Clarke to notice she was there. Clarke looked up and smiled.  
“There you are!” she said lightly grabbing Lexa’s forearm. “Who’s your new friend?” she said, shifting her gaze to Octavia.  
“This is Octavia. Her and her brother are new around here so I invited her to sit with us.”  
“Well, welcome Octavia! It’s nice to meet you. I must say, I’m surprised that Lexa talked to someone new today. She’s usually the quiet type,” Clarke quipped laughing.  
“Well I am too so that’s probably why we hit it off,” Octavia replied with a smile while Lexa chuckled. Just then, the mystery girl next to Clarke cleared her throat.  
“Oh, sorry! This is Raven, she was in my group too.”  
“Hey,” Octavia and Lexa said simultaneously.  
With that, Lexa and Octavia made their way to the other end of the table and sat in the only empty seats left. Lexa couldn’t help the uneasy feeling she got in her stomach when she watched Clarke and Raven talk and laugh for pretty much the entire period. Meanwhile Lexa and Octavia ate their lunches in comfortable silence.


	2. Let Me Down Gently

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate all of the comments and kudos! You guys are wonderful! I hope you like this chapter too!

The two made their way through the roller coaster that is high school with a few bruises, but for the most part it hadn’t been that bad.

              Their freshman year, Lexa had made the Varsity basketball team while Clarke was put on the Freshman team. This naturally caused them to drift apart, slowly at first, then by the end of their sophomore year they barely talked anymore. The occasional ‘hey’ at lunch, the rare conversation about a class they shared, and they hadn’t been to each other’s houses in months. Lexa thought about her best friend often, but she felt second rate compared to Raven. She didn’t even really talk to any of her old middle school friends anymore. They all pretty much stuck with Clarke, not that she really minded.

              Clarke and Raven were nearly inseparable. They had nearly every class together, lunch, basketball practice, and most of the time they went to each other’s house after. Everything that she used to do with Lexa, she did with Raven. Lexa wasn’t alone though. She had Octavia. She was definitely her equivalent to Raven but they didn’t see each other as often. Octavia didn’t play basketball and they only had one class together but they spent lunch and the weekends together with their other two straggler friends Lincoln and Nyko. They were an unlikely group but they worked. They couldn’t explain why, but they just did.

              Junior year finally came, basketball season came up quickly. Leda had already been on Varsity for two years so she had quite the advantage over everyone else. She had helped the team greatly the previous year when the team made it all the way to the Final Four in the state tournament. She even had a basketball scholarship in the works to her first choice university that was six hours away from home. She was the star of the team now and was pretty much guaranteed a spot on the team, but as she strapped on her ankle braces and her new shoes for the season, she started to get butterflies, but she knew she wasn’t nervous. Lexa could play basketball blindfolded by now so why the uneasy feeling?

              Just as she finished lacing up, she saw Raven enter the locker room, head tilted back, letting out a belly laugh. Right behind her was Clarke. Both already having their shoes on, they dropped their bags on the nearest bench and went out to the gym. Lexa understood why she had butterflies. She knew this was going to be a little awkward. She had barely talked to Clarke over the past summer other than the occasional twitter conversation- and stalking Clarke’s pictures on Facebook of her trip to Florida with Raven, but only Lexa knew about that. She took a deep breath and went out to the gym. Her coach greeted her with a smile and a hug. They had grown into a healthy coach-player relationship on and off the court over the past two years. If Lexa needed to be stretched or needed advice on how to up her game, she was there, and if her coach needed a quick basket, Lexa was ready to deliver. You never would have known that from the way Lexa played that first day of tryouts though. She dropped every other pass and couldn’t hit a shot to save her life. She was too distracted by Clarke and Raven joking around in the lines and being the first to partner up when asked. By the end of the day, she was frustrated to say the least. She just wanted to grab her stuff and go home. As she hurriedly went to turn the corner to the back door, she ran into Clarke, literally. Lexa cursed herself silently for choosing to take the back door.

              “Shit, sorry.” Clarke said before looking up. “Oh, hey!” she corrected after realizing who exactly she had run into.

              “Hey,” Lexa said quickly, not knowing what else to say and side-stepped around her towards the door. Just before her hand could reach the handle, she heard Clarke behind her.

              “You did great today.” Lexa already so frustrated with herself she couldn’t believe that anyone could possibly think that after her performance.

              “You’re joking right?” Lexa quipped, half laughing as she turned to face the girl behind her. Clarke gave her a look, knowing what she meant.

              “Not even the great Lexa Woods can be on all the time. Knowing you, you’ll be tearing it up like your old self tomorrow,” she said with a half-smile and started to turn to go down the hall. What she said made Lexa think a bit. ‘Knowing you.” Did Clarke even know her anymore? Was she the same person she was two years ago? While she was pondering the thought, Clarke turned back to her.

              “I’m excited to be on the same team again,” she smiled and then turned and walked away.  Lexa couldn’t help but smile as she realized why she was uneasy earlier. She was too.

 

……

 

              Being on the same team again had done wonders for their friendship. They were talking _a lot_ more than they were and now they were on track to being back to normal. Lexa was even good friends with Raven too by the end of their senior year. Lexa had finished her high school basketball career with another trip to the Final Four, but they lost to the team that ended up winning everything.

Leda was looking forward to college and yet another fresh start. She wasn’t as anxious about strangers as she was when she first started high school. She had changed a lot since then, in a good way. Clarke wasn’t sure where she wanted to go to college yet. She was torn between staying home and going to the local commuter university or going to Chicago.

              A few weeks after graduation, Clarke and Lexa were playing Monopoly in Clarke’s basement like they used to. About halfway through their senior year, Lexa’s mom had been diagnosed with stage four colon cancer with only a couple years left at best. Naturally, Lexa was devastated. She declined her basketball scholarship so she could stay home and help take care of her mom. She kept telling herself that in the end, it would be worth it.  The first person she told was Clarke and the only other person that knew was Octavia. Clarke did whatever she could to make Lexa happy when she was having a hard time with everything and quickly reinstated their Monopoly tradition, complete with throwing money in the air- they had only ever actually finished a game once. Clarke’s house became Lexa’s safe haven. Clarke’s parents, Abby and Jake were understanding and loved Lexa like their own and Lexa knew she was always welcome.

              Lexa never liked to talk about her mom, but Clarke could usually tell what was going on with Lexa when she came over from the basics she had told her. Whenever she came over or called on a Wednesday, it was because she was nervous because it was her mom’s chemo day. Whenever she called on a Friday, it was because she was nervous because her mom got her blood results to see if the chemo was working. If she came over on a different day, she was usually just having a hard day, and this particular Monopoly game was on one of those days.

              Clarke and Lexa and a dozen differently themed Monopoly games and this time they were playing _The Big Bang Theory_ Monopoly. They were nearing the end of their game and Clarke was winning, as usual. They had both agreed on one more turn and they would throw the money. Lexa rolled and landed on one of her own properties. Clarke’s last turn landed her on the “Bernadette’s Engagement Ring” space which was worth $200. Lexa started collecting her money and putting in the top portion of the box when she heard Clarke,

              “Jeez, when I have a boyfriend or a girlfriend I hope they spend more than $200 on a ring! I’m worth more than that right?”

              Lexa froze. Did she hear that right? Boyfriend _or girlfriend?_ It wasn’t that she was against it, because she definitely wasn’t-her parents were but that was their problem- it was just she wasn’t expecting it, especially from Clarke. She had never considered that Clarke was bisexual. She had only seen her talk to guys. Then again there were nearly two years where they barely spoke to each other. Did Clarke come out and she totally missed it? No, she would have heard about it eventually. There were several rumors about Lexa herself being gay, but once again, she had never really thought about it. She’d never had a boyfriend but she was just so busy. She pined over pretty much every boy in middle school but that was it. She wasn’t sure what that meant, if it was supposed to mean anything.

              Lexa snapped herself out of her train of thought. She had enough on her plate right now and she really didn’t want to add to it. She definitely didn’t forget about it though.

              “Yeah, at least $250,” Lexa shot back with a grin and received a slap on the arm from Clarke.

              The two were eating dinner on the patio together with their feet in the pool about a half hour after their game had ended. They sat in a comfortable silence as they watched the small waves in the pool move gently back and forth across the water.

              “You’re staying home for college, right?” Clarke said, breaking the silence.

              “Yep.”

              “Octavia?”

              “She’s going to college a few hours north of here,” Lexa said with a frown that failed to go unnoticed by Clarke. Although they had gotten close again, Lexa was still very close friends with Octavia. Clarke set her plate to the side and turned slightly toward Lexa, not letting her eyes leave the ground.

              “I’m going to Chicago in the fall.” Clarke let it sink in a bit, closely monitoring Lexa’s facial expression.

              “Ok,” was her simple response. Lexa was trying hard to hide her disappointment, not in Clarke, in not having Clarke around as often.

              “It’s not too far away if you think about it, and you can take the train and come and visit whenever you want, and I’ll come home as often as I can. I’ll always come back for you whenever you need me, you know that right?” Clarke was filled with worry. She had decided on Chicago a while ago, but didn’t’ want to tell Lexa because she didn’t want her to be upset. She knew that Lexa was going through a lot and with Octavia and her gone, her support system was limited.

              “I know, I’ll be fine,” Lexa said with the most convincing smile she could muster. On the outside Lexa was ‘fine’ but on the inside she was silently panicking. It wasn’t about not having Clarke around for whenever she was having a rough time with what her mom was going through-she would muscle through it like everything else, she wasn’t that worried about it. Lexa was terrified of what the distance was going to do to their friendship. They had barely talked for nearly two years and they had only just survived it, and they were within ten miles of each other. Now they were going to be hundreds of miles away from each other. How long would it last? What would it be like when she came back? Yes, Lexa knew she could get through everything without Clarke around, but she wasn’t sure she could do it without Clarke completely. It would break her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a heads up... I'm going to do my best to update at least once a week, but the rest of this week I will be out of town so I won't have a chance until later next week at the latest (sorry:\\)


	3. This Is Where You Leave Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> first of all, huge apology from me to you! it's been much longer than i hoped since the last time i updated....   
> this chapter was a little difficult to write but once I got it going it was a little easier. this Chapter is a little on the sad side, but in an effort to make up for being late, it's twice as long ☺ Thanks again for comments kudos, and even just for reading this ☺ Enjoy!

The summer was coming to a close and college was nearing. For Lexa, the summer had passed fairly quickly. Between working her new job at the local hospital-she had no interest in a medical career like Clarke did, but the hospital paid better than pretty much everything else- orientation plus everything that came with getting ready for college, and helping take care of her mother she barely had time to herself but she still made time for Clarke. Octavia was a little annoyed that Lexa spent more time with Clarke than her but she understood it was because of their history and she knew Clarke was leaving soon. 

Raven was the first to leave. She and Octavia were going to the same university and were even planning on rooming together but Raven had decided to participate in the three-day long additional orientation before classes began. They called it orientation at least. In reality it was just several different parties strung together. Raven was determined to ‘study hard and party harder.’ Octavia was going to join her, but her family planned a last minute camping trip before she left for classes and her brother went back to Chicago where he was beginning his second year of college. He had offered to drive Clarke down there but her parents were adamant about driving their daughter and saying goodbye at her dorm like a clichéd coming of age film. 

Raven and Octavia started classes a week before Lexa and she started a few days before Clarke did. Clarke’s plan was to leave the morning after Lexa started so she’d have time to get settled in before her classes began. Lexa was planning on going over to the Griffins’ straight from campus to see Clarke one last time. She had trouble focusing the entire day; granted the first day of class is usually pretty simple and straight forward but Lexa was too distracted to even attempt to pay attention. The last of her friends were leaving. Clarke was leaving. She was still having some trouble accepting it but she kept telling herself that it wasn’t permanent and she’d come back and everything would be ok. 

On her way to Clarke’s, Lexa stopped at Taco Bell, their go to food place, to surprise Clarke with her favorite. She ordered two Cheesy Gordita Crunches for herself, a quesadilla and nachos for Clarke, along with two Baja Blast Freezes. As she stepped off to the side to wait for her order, the girl behind her started ordering. Lexa began texting her mom back letting her know how her classes were and that she was on her way to Clarke’s. When she looked up, she noticed the girl walking toward her. She was tall, fit, brown eyes that rivaled her green ones, and blonde hair up in a messy bun. Even though she looked like she had come from the gym or something, Lexa found her look quite attractive. She caught Lexa staring at her and gave her a wink and smile and stood next to Lexa. Closer than a person normally would. Just then, Lexa heard her name called and snapped out of her trance. As her cheeks began to redden, she quickly grabbed her food and left. As she turned to use her back to open the door for herself, she glanced back at the girl. She was still smiling and looking right at Lexa. Before she started blushing more than she already was, she gave a small smile back and ducked out the door. 

She got back to her car and set the food on the passenger seat next to her. She grabbed her keys but before putting them in the ignition, she paused. ‘What was that?’ she said to herself. Was that supposed to be as flirty as she thought it was? She had no idea. Ever since that night in Clarke’s basement she had been thinking more and more about her sexuality. Was she gay? Bi? She was so clearly attracted to girls but she was attracted to guys too. Or was she? She had crushes on several male celebrities but was it her or was that her parents. Her parents were older than other parents with kids her age and they were passionate Catholics and stubborn conservatives, which makes for a very annoying and boring combination. Lexa was never one for religion. She found it was too hypocritical, but she kept that to herself. The question she had yet to answer was, was she attracted to guys, or was that just due to her ignorant homophobic upbringing. She wasn’t one hundred percent but she knew that that was ok. Her sexuality was hers to discover. What she did know was that she was happy that she was finally figuring this out. She didn’t realize how overdue this process was until it started. 

With a deep breath and a smile, she started her car and got back on the road to Clarke’s. When she got there Clarke was waiting for her on the patio with her feet in the pool. She seemed to be contemplating whatever was on her mind so Lexa approached slowly.

“Hey,” she said softly as she tossed her flip-flops to the side and took her usual spot next to Clarke with the Taco Bell bag between them. 

“Hey,” she replied, shaking her head out of her contemplative trance. 

“Everything ok?” Lexa asked, taking Clarke’s food out of the bag and handing it to her. 

“Yeah, I think,” she said half-heartedly. 

“That was convincing,” Lexa chuckled softly but still looking at Clarke, mildly concerned. Lexa arguably knew Clarke better than anyone else and she could tell that something was wrong, but she also knew that Clarke didn’t like to be pushed to talk about things that she didn’t want to, so Lexa knew to wait until she was ready, if ever. 

“It’s happening,” Clarke said with a sigh, still staring at the water having yet to make eye contact with Lexa. 

“What is?” Lexa asked, feigning ignorance. She was pretty sure where this was headed. 

“Everything,” Clarke whispered, “We’re growing up, getting older, and moving on. I thought I was ready for this but honestly, I’m a little scared. I’m still don’t feel good about leaving you here either with everything going on.” As Clarke went on, her shoulders began to sink and her voice wavered. “I’m terrified that I made the wrong decision.”

Lexa hated seeing her best friend this way. She felt so helpless because she never knew what to say, but she had to try something. 

“When you found out you were accepted to Chicago what was your first thought?”

Clarke gave her a quizzical look but answered, “That I wanted to go.”

“Then trust your instincts, Clarke. Our first instincts are pretty much always right. You want this, so that automatically makes it a good thing. Yes, we’re growing up, but we wouldn’t be growing up if we weren’t ready for it, but it’s ok to be scared as long as it doesn’t affect what you do. Don’t be afraid to enjoy being on your own. I know you and I know you’re going to be just fine. As for me, don’t worry about little ol’ me. I’ll be just fine too. Besides, there’s this crazy new invention called the telephone that we can use a couple times a week.” Lexa put her arm around Clarke’s shoulders so as to punctuate her point. “We are getting older, but we’ll be okay. I promise.”

A small smile formed on Clarke’s lips as she leaned her head to the side so it rested on Lexa’s shoulder. 

“How do you always know exactly what to say?” Lexa laughed because she had just been thinking the complete opposite.

“Dumb luck,” she said with a smirk.

Clarke laughed but gave Lexa a hug. “Thank you.” 

Lexa simply nodded in response and unwrapped one of her tacos. 

……

Days turned to weeks as the weeks turned to months and Clarke and Lexa were still as close as they were before Clarke left. Clarke loved living in Chicago and had a myriad of new friends while Lexa was content with keeping her head down at school and spending as much time with her mother as she could. Her condition worsened as the semesters past. Lexa grew more and more concerned about her even though she knew this was going to happen eventually. As Lexa grew more worried about her mother, Octavia grew more worried about Lexa. She had moved back home after one year away. She didn’t like where she was so she enrolled at the local commuter college where Lexa was. One would think this would mean that they would see each other more often but they often just resorted to the occasional text. Lexa didn’t like talking about her mother with anyone and Octavia respected that as best she could. 

Clarke would check in and tell Lexa she loved her just to make sure she was doing ok. Lexa loved the random texts that Clarke would send. They always made her smile. It still wasn’t like it was when she was home, but Lexa knew that it could be worse so she was content. 

It was nearing the end of their third semester and Lexa had just got out of her classes for the day. She was headed to the library to study for a bit before she went home for the night. Anya was planning on coming over that evening so she had to be home by six. She had just sat down at an open table when her phone buzzed in her pocket.

Clarke (15:07): I hope you’re having a good day! I love you! I’m coming home next weekend so you better be at my house when I get there! Lol <3

Lexa (15:09): It’s about time! You know I’ll be there! Love you too!

Lexa put her phone back only to pick it up a minute later. A picture of her sister filled the screen. 

“Hey Anya.”

“Lex, where are you?” Lexa immediately noticed a difference in Anya’s tone that worried her. 

“I’m at the library, what’s going on?”

“It’s mom. I’m in the EC with her. Lex…” There was pause as her voice shook. “It’s not good.”

Lexa ended the call, threw her phone in her bag, shoved everything back in her backpack, not even bothering to zip it, and nearly sprinted all the way back to her car. Her heart was sinking and racing at the same time and it wasn’t until she got to the hospital thirty minutes later that she noticed how wet her cheeks were. She ran through the entrance and asked the first person she saw where she should go. Eventually she found her family. Her dad was sitting in a chair by the privacy curtain with Anya standing next to him. Her mother was reclined on a stretcher with an oxygen mask strapped to her face. She looked about ten shades paler than usual and even with the mask, Lexa could tell she was still struggling to breathe. As she walked up to them, her mother smiled with all the strength she could muster and it brought tears to Lexa’s eyes. She kissed her mother’s head. She wasn’t wearing her wig but Lexa never cared about that. Of course she knew why her mother did but she always made sure to tell her she was beautiful without it. 

A doctor came and asked to speak with them. It didn’t take long to spot the hospice care brochures in his hand. A lump formed in her throat and more tears threatened her eyes but the warmth of her mother’s hand kept her grounded. After the doctor had finished his piece, her mother asked Lexa and Anya to give her and their father a moment alone, so Lexa and Anya excused themselves and went to find a vending machine. Anya bought them both sodas and sat on a bench down the hall. 

“This is it, isn’t it?” Lexa asked, fearing Anya’s answer. Anya silently put her arm around her sister and drew her in and Lexa let the fresh hot tears break through.

 

The next day, Lexa’s mom was home and officially on hospice. They had new oxygen equipment sent to the house along with a hospital bed and various medications to make her mother ‘comfortable.’ Her mother kept the oxygen mask on all the time and it was on 15L per hour which is the highest you can go. It would make her mouth dry so occasionally Lexa would use a swab to moisten her mouth for her. 

For the most part, her mother was nearly unresponsive. The morphine that she received every two hours made sure of that. She laid, eyes closed and unmoving. Lexa caught herself frequently checking to make sure her chest was still moving up and down. She never left her bedside. She talked to her and held her hand. She felt like begging her to stay, to keep fighting, but her better judgement reminded her how selfish that was. Her mother had already fought for two years and she was ready to let go.

 

About forty hours after they left the hospital, Lexa’s mother passed away, with Lexa at her side and her hand in hers. Lexa felt everything bubble up and up until there was nowhere else for it to go but out. After the funeral home took her mother away, she locked herself in her room and let herself go. She screamed into every pillow she had as her heart shattered exponentially. She felt a wrenching in her gut and an emptiness in her heart that she knew would never go away. Her mother was gone. The woman who hid under the covers with her nearly every morning before elementary school because it was cold outside; the woman who slept on the pull out couch with her when she broke her ankle and couldn’t go upstairs to her room. The woman who taught her everything from tying her shoes to driving a car, was gone. 

As the tears rolled uncontrollably down Lexa’s cheeks, not even bothering to try holding them back now, she heard a gentle knock on her door. Anya. She said something but a conversation was the last thing Lexa wanted so she ignored her. Eventually, her tears lulled her to sleep with one thought on her mind: Clarke.

Lexa woke up the next day having to remind herself of the events of the previous day. Anya had chosen to stay at the house instead of going back to her apartment. Lexa knew this because of the tray of breakfast on her dresser with a note attached:

 

Hope you slept well, Lord knows we needed it. Dad is making arrangements at the funeral home for most of the day. I ran back to my apartment to grab some clothes and stuff but I’ll be back soon. Eat up! I love you little sis!

 

Lexa was very appreciative of the gesture. It was French toast and bacon, her favorite, but she couldn’t bring herself to eat more than a few bites. The wrenching in her stomach was still there. After she ate what she could she checked her phone. She had several texts from various friends and acquaintances sending their sympathies for her loss. She also had six missed calls and four voicemails from Clarke. She unlocked her phone and listened to them, eager to hear her best friends voice. 

“Hey Lex, it’s me. Anya just called me and told me what happened. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. Please call me when you get a chance.”

“Hey it’s me, again. I need to know if you’re okay, I’m worried about you. Call me. Love you, bye.”

“Lex, it’s me, I know you probably want to be alone right now and I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but please, just text me or call me. I love you.”

“Lex, it’s me. I’m on a train heading home right now. I don’t know if you want to see me or not but I refuse to stay here while you’re going through this. I love you and hopefully I’ll see you in a bit.”

Lexa looked at the time stamp of the last voicemail. It was nearly five and a half hours ago. She hadn’t realized just how long she had been asleep. If her mental calculations were right, Clarke should be here soon. She thought about showering. She probably smelled, but she didn’t have the energy to care.

Clarke was right. She really didn’t feel like seeing anyone, but Clarke was always the exception to the rule. Just then, the doorbell rang. Lexa got up from her bed, checking herself in the mirror for a split second before she walked out of her room, deciding her appearance was a lost cause at this point. She rounded the stairs and pushed the door handle down, and opened the door. She immediately found those familiar ocean blue eyes staring back at her. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing could find its way around the massive lump in her throat. Clarke didn’t even give her a chance to try again. She dropped her bag took one long stride and enveloped Lexa in her arms. Lexa buried her face in the crook of Clarke’s neck, feeling her hot tears drip onto Clarke’s shirt. Clarke ran her hand up and down Lexa’s back in an attempt to soothe her. There was something about Clarke’s warmth that instantly calmed her. It was like her troubles were melting away into nothing. For a second, everything was alright. 

Lexa thought about all of the texts on her phone from dozens of people trying to comfort her. She didn’t need or want them. All she wanted, was to stay where she was. Temporarily content in the arms of the one person that understood her better than anyone. This was what she needed.


	4. Jealousy Digs Affection's Grave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is chapter 4!! :) Thanks again for reading! Enjoy! <3

The semester following her mother’s death were particularly difficult for Lexa. Despite it being a brand new semester, Lexa just simply couldn’t muster up enough motivation to participate. In any regard. She fell behind in every class and by the time mid-terms rolled around she was failing all but one. She spent most of her time lying in her bed, wrapped in her duvet watching one her many favorite TV shows. The more she time she spent in her little world where nothing was wrong, the more her friends began to worry about her. Octavia made an effort to get Lexa out of her house besides going to work, but it was in vain. Lexa always had an excuse ready to prevent her from going. Clarke called at least once a day. Lexa very rarely answered but Clarke called anyway so she knew that she was still there if Lexa needed. 

In addition to everything that she was already going through emotionally, Lexa had taken the last few months to come to terms with her sexuality. She had found comfort and acceptance in the LGBT community and it helped her accept herself, happily. That was one of the few things that she was happy about anymore. She was finally comfortable with just being herself. She started wearing clothes that fit her personal style that she couldn’t wear before because “they were too gay,”- she cursed herself for even thinking that in the first place- and she loved it. She was comfortable in her own skin. She even let herself occasionally gawk at a pretty girl passing by. 

As she finished an episode of Orphan Black, she checked her voice mails, finding what she expected: her daily voicemail from Clarke. 

 

“Hey Lex, I was just calling to check in on you… you know tell you that I love you as usual and you know if you need anything please call me. I’m going to be home on Sunday, so when you call me I can get to you in like twenty minutes, but if I speed and don’t get pulled over I can get there in like ten. You know you don’t have to call back if you don’t want to, but I haven’t talked to you in a few days and I was just checking in. I love you, bye.”

 

Lexa listened to it a few more times, as she did with all of the voice mails from her best friend. She missed her; sometimes so much it was painful.  
She checked her calendar on the far wall. It was only Tuesday. Sunday was an annoying five days away. She wasn’t sure if she could make it until then with what remained of her sanity intact, but for Clarke, it was worth it. It always was. She thought about Clarke pretty much every day. She still looked forward to her random texts reminding her that Clarke loved her. They were almost as nice as the voice mails. For some reason, Clarke’s voice had a way of calming her- she’d been noticing that a lot recently. 

Lexa set her phone back on her dresser, reminding herself that unless the world ended, which was pretty unlikely, Sunday would eventually come and she’d get to see Clarke. She turned back to her laptop, adjusted her duvet, and clicked ‘Next Episode.’

……

As Lexa predicted, Sunday did come. Clarke called her again that morning. What was different this time was the fact that Lexa actually answered. She may have been voluntarily cutting herself off from society, but she wasn’t going to let an opportunity to see Clarke, being as rare as it was, pass her by. The plan was for her to go to Clarke’s around 11. Lexa had already planned to surprise Clarke with coffee from her favorite coffee shop. She really needed to see Clarke happy and smiling. She hadn’t realized it until she decided to stop for coffee but once she had the idea she couldn’t get the image of a smiling Clarke out of her head.  
Lexa walked up to Clarke’s door and rang the doorbell, coffees in hand. Clarke opened the door and immediately smiled. Lexa’s chest swelled as Clarke stepped aside to let her in, still eyeing her smile. Once inside, Lexa slipped her shoes off and handed one of the coffees to Clarke. Her face lit up again as she gripped the cup and leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to Lexa’s cheek. 

“You are so wonderful, I adore you!” she said retreating to the kitchen. Lexa watched her walkaway, but her mind was too preoccupied by the burning sensation creeping up the side of her face. She willed her legs to move forward, but they wouldn’t budge. Her mind was preoccupied replaying the last minute in her mind.  
“Lex, are you coming?” Clarke’s voice pulled her out of her trance and she headed toward the kitchen. ‘What was that?’ she thought.  
Clarke was already on her way out of the kitchen by the time Lexa made it there. 

 

“I thought we could color a bit, watch a movie. Raven texted me earlier saying she might swing by in a bit too so I figured after that we could make a Taco Bell run,” Clarke finished with a raise of her eyebrows. 

“Yeah, sure,” Lexa’s mood was a little dampened by the possibility of Raven coming over but then again, she hadn’t seen her in a while either so it was most likely a good thing. She followed Clarke downstairs and set the coloring stuff down on the table while Clarke went to the movie rack. They sat down in a comfortable silence while the theme from Coraline begins to play in the background. It was one of Clarke’s all-time favorite movies and she had shown it to Lexa in high school and Lexa loved it too so it quickly became “their movie” along with pretty much any Disney movie. 

They sat coloring, with the occasional comment regarding the movie, for an hour or so until Clarke’s phone buzzed with a text from Raven. 

“Raven is outside,” she stated as she got up and headed toward the stairs, and when she returned she had Raven close in tow. 

“Hey Lex, how’s it going?” she asked as she sat down opposite her. 

“It’s going, how are you?” she responded out of politeness as Raven shrugged in response. 

From nearly the second Raven had sat down she was talking about people that only she and Clarke knew. Raven visited Clarke in Chicago fairly often so they had a lot more mutual friends than before. Lexa had yet to visit Clarke in Chicago, but it wasn’t by choice rather by lack of enough free time. So, while Raven and Clarke talked, Lexa just kept coloring, watching Coraline, and occasionally eavesdropping. It wasn’t really eavesdropping if they were talking right in front of her though, right?

“Hey did you see Gina’s Instagram post the other day?” Raven asked while scrolling through her phone.

“No, why?” Clarke answered raising her head to peak at Raven’s phone. 

“She posted a picture of her and Bellamy at a bar in Chicago.” After Raven said that, Lexa detected disdain on Clarke’s face, like what Raven had said upset her. “By the way, did you ever tell Octavia that you hooked-up with her brother?”

Lexa froze. What? Did she hear that right? Clarke slept with Bellamy? Lexa was way too thrown off guard to even notice Clarke’s saddened expression as she shook her head, not lifting her eyes from her coloring page. Lexa couldn’t decide if she was more upset over the fact that Clarke slept with Bellamy, or that Clarke slept with Bellamy and didn’t tell her. She had never really like Bellamy. Yes, she was close friends with his sister but he was a little too cocky for him not to bother her, and he was always blatantly flirting with Clarke in high school. As a girl, losing your virginity is kind of a big deal so what girl wouldn’t share that information with her best friend? Or was that it? Did Clarke not want to talk to her about stuff like that? A million scenarios and explanations went through Lexa’s head at lightning speed as she struggled to find an answer that didn’t include losing her best friend status in Clarke’s life. She loved Clarke too much to lose her. 

 

There it was. 

 

This wasn’t about her friendship with Clarke. This was jealousy. Lexa was jealous. She loved Clarke. She loved her, and now that she knew it herself, it was going to be impossible to get over if she even could. She refused to let this jeopardize her relationship with Clarke though. It was official, Clarke Griffin was going to be the death of her but she didn’t even care because if she had to bet, she’d bet that it would be completely worth it. 

……….

 

A few days later Clarke went back to Chicago and Lexa was left to her mundane routine. She spent her days in bed watching one of her plethora of TV shows and spent her nights working in the hospital. 

One night, about four days after Clarke left, she walked into her department’s administration office at work so she could punch in and check her rounding assignments. When she checked the schedule sheet and saw that she was training someone for the night. She didn’t really like training because that meant she couldn’t hide out and relax a bit if it was a slow night. She heard one of the supervisors talking to someone as she turned around. Next to her supervisor was a girl who was probably a little shorter than Lexa was. She had bleach blonde hair pulled back into a straight pony tail. Her features were soft and balanced each other in a way that mad e it difficult for Lexa to stop staring. 

“Oh good, you’re here! This is Lexa. She’ll be training you tonight,” her supervisor said, taking her leave. Lexa turned toward her new co-worker with an extended hand and she took it in her own.

“Hey, I’m Costia.”


	5. It's Kind of a Shitty Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while, but here it is! (finally...) School's been kicking my butt, but I managed to make this chapter longer too! Enjoy!   
> As always, thanks for the kudos and just for reading! Cheers! :)

Lexa found herself in Clarke’s one early afternoon. They were at the table eating Taco Bell and watching Courage the Cowardly Dog in their semi-wet bathing suits and shirts. At first, they sat in silence save the occasional comment on what was happening on the screen, but something had been bothering Lexa for a really long time and she wasn’t sure if she could hold it in for much longer. 

“So how’s Bellamy?” she asked with a little bite as Clarke went to throw her wrappers away.

“What?” Clarke replied with a puzzled look on her face. 

“You dating him now aren’t you? I’m just asking how he’s doing.”

“Ok, first of all, we’re not dating, and second why are you so bitter?”

“Ugh, just forget it,” Lexa said rolling her eyes, not losing the edge in her voice. 

“Even if I was, why would that matter? Is it because he’s Octavia’s brother?”

“No of course not. It’s nothing, just forget it. It’s not important.” Lexa got up from her chair to walk to the trash as Clarke reached for a glass in a nearby cupboard. 

“Clearly something is bothering you about him. You can talk to me.” Clarke was becoming concerned. She knew Lexa long enough to know that when she was upset of uncomfortable she got like this and with everything that her friend had been through recently, she knew she didn’t completely mean it. 

“No, I’m fine!”

“Lex, I just wan-”

“It’s because it’s not me!!” Lexa exploded, and she immediately regretted letting her anger, nay jealousy, get the best of her. 

“What?” Clarke said blankly, confused. Lexa looked down at her fingers twitching at her waist and took a deep breath.

“You being with Bellamy bothers me because he’s not me.” She replied weakly and barely above a whisper. “It’s supposed to be me.”

“Lex, I- Wha- Are you-,” Clare struggled to form any semblance of a response and get it past the lump forming in her throat. 

“I love you.” There. It was all out in the open now. No going back. The air above Lexa’s shoulders suddenly became lighter, but the look on Clarke’s face made her chest tighten. She ruined it. She ruined everything. Her lifelong friendship with Clarke- arguably the best thing to ever happen to her- was irrevocably ruined.   
She was planning her escape route in her head but halfway through she decided to just make a run for it. Her mouth went dry and her heart was pounding so loudly in her ears that she didn’t hear the light padding of bare foot steps behind her.

She went the back way cutting through the dining room and was halfway across to the front door when she felt a hand grab her wrist and pulling her back toward the kitchen against her will. She turned around to find Clarke with a tear rolling down her cheek and more building up to follow. Her eyes- those ocean blue eyes that Lexa fell in love with a long time ago; that Lexa could always tell what they were saying- stared into Lexa’s and for once, Lexa didn’t know what they were telling her.

They were soft yet still filled with surprise and a whole cocktail of emotions, but there was something else.   
They stayed like that for a moment- or maybe even a few, it was hard to tell- just simply studying each other’s feature as if they’d never met before. Like they weren’t looking into the eyes of the person that they knew better than any other person on Earth did. 

Before Lexa could compose a thought, Clarke closed the distance between them and crashed her lips to Lexa’s. It took them both a second to realize what exactly was happening. Once Lexa got over her initial shock, she kissed her back.   
It was nothing like she thought it would be like. It was infinitely better. She was always skeptical about feeling ‘sparks’ with someone, until that moment that is. This kiss was everything. It said everything. It was intense and gentle. It was awkward and perfect. Perfect. They melted into each other like they’d been doing this for years.   
Lexa brought her hand behind Clarke’s ear and pulled her closer. She deepened slightly and tilted her head the other way, making sure to slowly and ever so gently rub her nose against Clarke’s. Their lips connected again and they melted even closer together. Clarke ran her tongue softly along Lexa’s lower lip and it took everything in her not to let the moan that was building in her chest out.   
Lexa was the first to pull away, opening her eyes and searching for her royal blue safe haven, and when Clarke’s eyes opened, the tears were gone, replaced by a smile forming on her lips. 

 

Lexa was welcomed by the darkness of her room and the harsh emptiness of her ceiling when she woke. She sat up kicking the duvet off her legs and ran a slim hand through her hair. She knew it was too good to be true. Things like that only happen in movies and stupid TV shows. But even knowing this couldn’t cover up the empty feeling she felt growing in her chest.   
She took a sip from the water bottle next to her bed and laid back down not even bothering with her duvet and made an attempt to fall back to sleep and back into her dream, but she knew it would be in vain. 

..............

Lexa found herself in one of the several Starbucks on campus waiting for her White Chocolate Mocha and her Soy Nonfat Caramel Macchiato. She stood of to the side aimlessly scrolling through Twitter on her phone with her headphones in blocking out anything even remotely resembling outside noise. Suddenly she felt arms around her waist. She jumped a bit and was about to put her self-defense knowledge to use when she felt lips on her cheek. She took an earbud out and looked behind her to find a familiar face. Lowering her defenses, she returned the kiss and smiled at her girlfriend. 

“Hey beautiful,” she said with a small smile. 

“Hey, I figured you’d be here.”

“Well considering I worked last night and I haven’t slept yet, yes I’m definitely getting coffee,” Lexa replied with a chuckle. Just then her order was called, she grabbed it and handed Costia’s to her who thanked her with another kiss on the cheek as well as a ‘thanks babe’. 

The two exchanged stories of their day while Lexa walked Costia to her first class while Lexa was walking to her last class of the day in the building across the street.   
“We’re still on tonight right?” Costia said as she turned around to face Lexa before walking into her lecture hall. Lexa sucked in a breath through her teeth,   
“I actually picked up a shift at work tonight…” she said with a smirk. 

“Pick me up at seven you dork,” Costia replied with wide smile and a light slap on Lexa’s shoulder. She raised to her toes and gave Lexa a quick kiss but stopped on her way down. She looked intently into Lexa’s eyes and brought her lips back to hers and put her arms gently around Lexa’s neck. Lexa smiled into the kiss and put her hands at her girlfriend’s waist. Costia pulled away and smiled again. 

“I’ll see you later.” With that, she winked and walked into the building and Lexa headed to her class. 

Lexa found herself outside Costia’s apartment building waiting for her girlfriend to come down a couple minutes before seven o’clock. She was clad in her black jeans, black ankle boots, black tank top and her favorite teal flannel. It was one of her favorite outfits and Costia had always told her how sexy she looked in outfits similar so she kept wearing them, not that she minded at all. 

Costia came down the front stairs wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, and her red and black striped knock-off Vans. She kissed her girlfriend hello and went to the passenger side of Lexa’s car and got in. Lexa followed suit and started the car. 

“Where too?” she asked.

“Well, I have an exam coming up so I still have some studying to do, but obviously I wanted to see you, so how about we do something simple?”

“Yeah that’s fine. How about we go to dinner and then we can go for a night walk in a park or something?” Lexa suggested. 

“Perfect,” Costia agreed, putting her elbow on the council and threading her fingers with Lexa’s. Lexa let go for a split second, to put the car in gear and once she started driving, she found Costia’s hand again and threaded their fingers together, leaving their hands in Costia’s lap. 

 

Dinner went smoothly, as usual and after they went to a playground that was part of a nearby elementary school. Lexa led her to the swings and sat on one, kicking the woodchips beneath her while Costia claimed the one next to her. 

“Everything ok?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Lexa weakly replied. Costia stood from her swing and sat on Lexa’s lap. She put one arm around her waist and laid the other on Lexa’s arm that had found its way to the back of Costia’s thigh. 

“You sure?” she asked again. 

“I am now,” Lexa replied smoothly. 

“So charming,” Costia said with a smile as she leaned closer. 

“I try,” Lexa said as she closed the distance between them. It was a gentle kiss; slow and steady. Costia brought her hand to Lexa’s mane as she deepened the kiss and Lexa responded in kind. 

When Costia slowly pulled away, she caught herself staring into Lexa’s emerald green eyes like she had earlier outside her lecture hall. She moved a stray hair from Lexa’s face safely behind her ear and took a breath. 

“I love you.”

Lexa’s eyes widened as she realized what she’d just heard. No one outside of her family, and Clarke, had ever told her that before. She felt a warm feeling in her chest but at the same time she felt like running for the hills. She liked Costia a lot, but did she love her? She didn’t know. She knew what being in love was like because she’d been in love with Clarke for quite a while. Clarke. Was Clarke the problem? Clarke. She wasn’t over Clarke, but she obviously couldn’t say that to Costia. Not only would that be considered really fucked up in this moment, she didn’t was to hurt her. She cared about her, but she also didn’t want to lie to her. This internal debate was beginning to gnaw at Lexa’s heart and she didn’t know what to do. She was pulled out of her thoughts by Costia’s soft whisper. 

“Please say something.”

“I love you, too.” Lexa didn’t even have time to say anything else because Costia kissed her again, a little more urgently this time, and Lexa decided that, right now at least, there wasn’t anything else to say. She may have been lying about it now, but who’s to say that in time it would be a truth. At least that’s what she told herself.   
............

 

A week had passed since the night in the park and Lexa was no closer to coming to a conclusion for her current situation. It was an internal struggle that neared British gothic novel proportions. No matter which hypothetical path her struggle took her down, it all came back to the same damn place. Clarke. She couldn’t love Costia because she was still in love with Clarke and asking herself to not be in love with Clarke was equivalent to asking her not to breathe. It was impossible.   
She was in her basement working out her frustrations on her punching bag when she heard the doorbell upstairs. Her dad was still at work, given it was the middle of the day, so she went up to answer it. She debated putting a shirt on since all she was wearing was running shorts and a sports bra, not to mention she was covered in sweat and her hands were taped like a boxer’s, but she decided against it thinking it was simply a FedEx package on the porch. What she didn’t expect when she opened the door was Clarke. 

“Clarke?”  
“Hey Rocky, you gonna let me in or are we eating outside?”

“Uh, ye- of course,” she said stammering like a lovesick idiot. “Let me just throw a shirt on and I’ll be right down.” She nearly sprinted up the stairs so fast she didn’t even notice Clarke staring at her (very) sweaty and (very) toned back. She grabbed the cleanest smelling shirt she could find and threw it on, but when she was halfway to the stairs she stopped herself. She had to put her predicament aside for now. She could keep herself together for a day right? She decided to find out. 

“So since you always buy us Taco Bell, I decided to up the ante a bit so I got us Buffalo Wild Wings. Half mild, half honey barbeque right?” Clarke asked as she took the boxes out of the plastic bag. 

“You know me well,” Lexa answered as she sat down.   
“Apparently not well enough,” Clarke frowned.

“What?”

“I didn’t know you had a girlfriend until like three days ago…” Lexa froze. ‘Keep it together, keep it together.’

“I didn’t really tell anyone. Plus, it’s only been a few months so it’s not like I got married and didn’t invite you. My dad obviously doesn’t know so really the only one I told was Anya.”

“But I’m your best friend, am I not?” Lexa could tell that Clarke was somewhat offended that she didn’t tell her and Lexa couldn’t tell her why she didn’t want to tell her, for obvious reasons. 

“Yes, you are, and I obviously would have told you eventually… once there was actually something to tell.”

“Is it not serious?” Clarke said with a barely noticeably hopeful tone. Lexa took a deep breath.

“Don’t get me wrong, I like her a lot, but I can’t see a happy future with her and if I can’t see that, then is there even a point?” she vented, picking at the tablecloth distractedly. 

“If she doesn’t make you happy, then that is more than reason enough to end it,” Clarke advised. 

“It’s complicated though.”

“Isn’t everything?” At that Lexa chuckled, knowing that she was the only one that understood the irony of Clarke’s statement. 

“When I’m with her, I’m relatively happy, but when I’m not, I barely think about her or about being with her.”

“So you’re happy with her but you’re happier without her?”

“I guess… I don’t know. I’ve decided to give it more time. She deserves at least that,” and Lexa truly meant it. She didn’t want to break Costia’s heart and she felt she at least owed her and herself a chance. 

“Whatever you say. Just know that either way I’m here. Always.” With that they put a moratorium on the girlfriend talk and opted to a movie marathon instead. 

 

They had gotten all of the popcorn popped and the candy out. They had also agreed on yet another Disney marathon since Lexa had yet again failed in convincing Clarke to watch any or all of the Star Wars movies with her. 

Halfway through Hercules, Clarke put her popcorn bowl to the side and turned to face Lexa. 

“We’re almost done with college.”

“As much as I’d like to praise your keen observation skills, Hercules is kicking some ass and therefore has the majority of my attention.”  
“Have I mentioned I hate you sometimes?” Clarke said sarcastically as she paused the movie and ignored Lexa’s protests. “What are your after-college plans?”

“I have no ‘after college’ plans…”

“Oh, come on… there has to be something!”

“Fine. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to move. Not just a different city but out of state. Maybe even DC? Being a Criminal Justice major opens up a lot of opportunities but most of them require police experience and there are literally cops everywhere so I don’t know… anywhere, just not here.”

“I don’t really know either. I’m not sure if I want to come home for med school or if I want to stay in Chicago. I guess it just depends on where I get accepted.”

“Oh please, you’ll get accepted to anywhere you apply.”

“I hope you’re right,” Clarke chuckled, then her eyes go wide and Lexa could practically see a lightbulb urn on above her head. “Why don’t you come to Chicago? The girl that I share my apartment with now isn’t staying after graduation so if I do end up staying, I’ll need a roommate. Full disclosure though, I’ll totally move away if you go somewhere else. I think it would be really great if we lived together.”

The fact that Clarke wanted to live with her and was even willing to follow her to a new city made Lexa’s heart swell. Her happiness was quickly deflated though when she realized one tiny problem: she would be living with Clarke. Her and Clarke, in a tiny apartment, together. Lexa was pretty sure that was the recipe for disaster, if not pure torture. Sure, now it was easy to control her feelings for Clarke because she only had to actively repress them for a couple days every month or so, but she wasn’t sure if she had the will power to keep them in check 24/7. 

“Lex?” Clarke asked gently, noticing Lexa had spaced out for a sec. “If you don’t want to that’s ok, too.”

“No, of course I want to. I think it’s a great idea. It’ll be a fun time.” Lexa knew Clarke would most likely be the death of her if she managed to keep their friendship intact for that long, but Lexa knew she’d hate herself if she didn’t.

Living with Clarke may end up killing her but oh, what a way to go.  
..................

 

Clarke had been back in Chicago for a few days but they still texted everyday like they usually did- still discussing their post-graduation living arrangements. Lexa had been staying on top of her classes better than she had in the last two semesters. Grief had gotten the best of her two semesters ago and she dug herself into a hole that she was still climbing out of but she was determined to get there. Twice a week she went to Anya’s to study to ensure that she would stay on task and actually get her readings and assignments done. One of those days, Anya had called in sick to her night shift at the hospital but still insisted that Lexa come over, not only to keep her on track, but also just because she missed her sister and she enjoyed their study days together. 

Lexa was in the middle of writing out definitions for her “Corrections” course when Anya came out of her bedroom wrapped in a hoodie, sweats, and her duvet.

“Take a break and come watch and episode of The Office with me,” she more stated than asked. 

“Let me just finish this page and I ‘ll be over there. Go ahead and pick an episode.”

Anya chose the “Beach Games” episode, her favorite one, and hit play as soon as Lexa was wrapped in a blanket and seated next to her.   
“So how’s the girlfriend?” Anya asked about ten minutes into the episode. 

“She’s fine.”

“That’s all I get?” Lexa gave out an exasperated sigh and relayed to Anya what she had shared with Clarke a few days prior. 

“I just need a little more time to figure things out,” Lexa finished. At first, Anya didn’t say or do anything but blankly stare at Lexa. 

“Alright, if that’s what you think,” she finally said, turning back to the TV. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Lexa asked, confused.

“Well you think you need more time but I think you’ve already figured this out. At least it seems that way to me.” Lexa said nothing, but continued to stare at her sister in confusion. “This is obviously about Clarke.”

“What!?”

“You’re not happy because Costia isn’t Clarke.”

“Whatever medicine you took this morning, I think you took too much.”

“Oh don’t give me that shit. You feel guilty for saying ‘I love you’ to Costia because you don’t love her; you’re in love with Clarke.” Lexa lowered her gaze to the couch cushion between them. “You really think that I, your sister, the one person who knows you better than anyone, except maybe Clarke, wouldn’t figure out that you love her in a more than friendly way?”

“I’m an asshole aren’t I? I’m leading on this great girl when I know I’ll never love her.” Anya scooted closer to her sister and put her arms around her. 

“Yes, maybe a little bit. But honestly, I don’t think anyone can really blame you. You know you can’t have Clarke so your brain wants to compensate for the pain with Costia, but your heart isn’t healing so the pain isn’t really going away. Costia’s just a Band-Aid, and your heart knows it.” Lexa rested her head, defeated, on Anya’s shoulder. 

“So is that why I feel like shit all the time?”

“Yeah. That’s what heartbreak feels like… It feels like shit.”

“Ugh, this is all so adult. I don’t like it.” 

“Yep, welcome to the grown-up table kid. It fucking sucks.” Anya knew her little sister was still hurting from her mother and now that she realized this was too, she couldn’t help but hurt for her. “You know, when I was feeling like shit after mom died, I used to write her letters. I’d just write down stuff and sometimes, I’d mail them with no address or sometimes I would just burn them. It sounds stupid but it was therapeutic. Just a thought.”

Lexa wasn’t a bad writer and she didn’t mind it… maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea.

“It’s getting late, Anya. I’m gonna take off ok?”

“Yeah, sure. Text me when you get home ok?” She hugged her sister tightly as she handed her bag to her. “I’m always here when you need me, kid.” She added with a wink. 

“Thanks Anya,” Lexa replied with a smile and closed the door behind her. 

 

She couldn’t get her and Anya’s conversation out of her head. If this was heartbreak, she would be content if she never fell in love again if it was just going to feel like this. She felt like there wasn’t a point. Why try if you know you’ll end up feeling like this because honestly, at this point she wouldn’t wish this on her worst enemy.   
When she got to her room, she texted Anya, letting her know she got home ok, then sat down at her desk, grabbed a nice-ish pen, a stack of loose-leaf and started writing. Her original intention was to write to her mother about everything, like a venting session, but after several failed starts and crumpled pages, her finished product wasn’t venting, but a love letter.   
To Clarke.


	6. Great Minds Think Alike, but We Still Don't Know Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here's the next chapter for you. This chapter is a bit less eventful than previous ones, but the next few is where it's going to pick up (if you catch my drift ;) ) We get a bit of Clarke's perspective this chapter and we will a bit in the next chapter too! As always, thanks for reading! Enjoy!

The second half of college went by faster than the first half did, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it went smoother. Clarke’s class load was increasingly harder as she neared finishing her pre-med endeavor. Lexa’s classes were materially easier, but still required a lot of work. She also had broken up with Costia just a few weeks before graduation. They were together for just under two years and Lexa still couldn’t tell her that she loved her with complete honesty. She had grown to truly care for her, and there were even times that she really thought she loved her, but as soon as she was away from Costia, Lexa knew her heart still belonged to Clarke- as she was now convinced it always would. She was still heartbroken regardless when she broke the news to Costia. Her face as her eyes filled with tears and she could practically hear Costia’s heart tear in half, and hers did as well, and she somewhat selfishly consoled herself by thinking that this was the right thing to do. It wasn’t fair to keep trying with Costia if she knew with certainty that she would always be in love with Clarke. 

The sweet relief of graduation was soon upon them and it couldn’t have come soon enough. Lexa’s ceremony was a two days before Clarke’s, but of course, Clarke came home for it anyway. They had decided to just take the train back to Chicago the day after, that way Lexa could be there and Clarke could still have enough time to prep. 

The morning of Lexa’s graduation ceremony, Clarke came over early to do Lexa’s hair because “her mane needed to be tamed,” as Clarke put it. Lexa’s naturally wavy hair was one of her best features and Clarke didn’t want to take away from that so she refused to straighten it like Lexa had planned. Instead, she let the waves roll freely down her shoulder while pulling it all around to Lexa’s right side and with strategic bobby pin planting and a touch of hairspray, she got it to stay. When Clarke pulled back to look at her work, she handed Lexa a mirror so she could see the back. As much as she liked it, she was disappointed that Clarke was done. She had been trying to read her graduation itinerary email while she sat but she never got through the whole thing because Clarke’s hands running through her hair was mildly distracting. 

“Thank you, Clarke,” Lexa said as she stood up and faced her best friend. Clarke enveloped Lexa in a hug and immediately Lexa’s nose was overwhelmed with the smell of floral shampoo and the slightest hint of vanilla, and before Lexa could form a coherent thought, it was over. Clarke pulled away and Lexa couldn’t help but feel colder without Clarke close. 

“I’m so proud of you, Lex!” she said with a smile. 

“You know we’re both graduating right?” Lexa replied with a chuckle.

“Yes, smart ass, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be proud of you. You’ve been through a lot the last four years and if it was the other way around, I don’t think I would’ve made it.” With that, she turned and left the room, leaving Lexa alone for a couple moments, and when she walked back in she did so slowly, with a small gift bag in her hand. “Happy Graduation,” she said with a small smile as she handed Lexa the bag. 

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Clarke, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“I know that, but once I had the idea, I couldn’t not do it.”

Lexa looked at the bag in her lap, then to Clarke, then back to the bag as she removed the first piece of tissue paper. Once that was cleared, she saw a navy blue piece of fabric. She reached in to pull it out and unfolded it at eye level in front of her. Her eyes were caught by the bolded white letters reading, “Chicago Police Department.” She had gotten word just a week before that she had been accepted to the Chicago Police Academy and she was very excited to not only get to work in the city, but that was also the solidifying factor for her move to Chicago. They had sent her a T-shirt with her acceptance letter but she obviously didn’t have the heart to tell Clarke that. Besides, something in the back of her mind told her that she would be wearing this one more often anyway.

“I love it, Clarke! Thank you.”

“Before you thank me, there’s one more,” Clarke said with a quick nod towards the black bag. Lexa pulled back one side of the bag to peak in and lo and behold there was something else. It was about the size of a book and wrapped neatly in tissue paper. Lexa carefully reached for it to pull it out of the bag. She gently ripped the paper off and saw that it wasn’t a book, but a picture frame, and inside was a picture of Lexa and her mother sharing a hug. It was from their high school graduation because Lexa was clad in her white cap and gown. The picture was taken from behind Lexa so you couldn’t see her face, but what you could see was her mother’s. It was a face that Lexa knew well, despite not laying eyes on it in years. Her short yet voluminous brown hair, even though at the time it was a wig, and her familiar green eyes, the same shade of emerald as Lexa’s, stood out to her. This wasn’t what had fully caught her attention, however. It was her mother’s smile. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed it. So full and bright, just like the woman who bore it. She looked proud. She looked happy. Lexa traced her fingers softly over the glass, over her mother’s face, wishing with every fiber of her being that she was touching skin instead. She didn’t notice how blurry her vision had gotten until she felt a wet drop fall on the back of her hand. 

“I know nothing I can do or say can make up for your mother not being here today, but you are the most wonderful person that I know, and you deserve to know that people are proud of you. That your mother, is proud of you, and I believe more than anything that she will be sitting next to you today, and just because you won’t be able to hear her, doesn’t mean that she won’t be clapping the loudest.”

Lexa was full to the brim with love and a whole slew of emotions and as if on instinct, she shot up from her chair and threw her arms around Clarke and held onto her like she was her lifeline, and in a way, she was. She had been the one who got her through her mother’s death and the one who had gotten her through every day after that. She truly believed that Clarke was the love of her life, but in that moment, she was nothing more to Lexa than her best friend, and as usual she was exactly what Lexa needed.

Lexa’s graduation went beautifully and by the end of the day, Lexa was officially not a student anymore. She walked across the stage, head held high and with thoughts of her mother. After the ceremony had ended, she eagerly found her small entourage consisting of her dad, Anya, Clarke, and Clarke’s parents. Lexa had told them they didn’t have to come several times but they insisted on seeing both of their daughters graduate. Lexa always felt all warm in fuzzy inside when they called Lexa their second daughter. Of course she loved her parents unconditionally but she had always viewed Jake and Abby as her second parents. She even came out to them before she came out to her dad. She knew her dad loved her, but their relationship had never been the same since he insisted on sticking to his bigoted conservative ways. Lexa couldn’t blame him though; it was just how he was raised. She may not have liked him all of the time, but she would always love him. 

Once she made it to her family, she hugged Anya first, tightly as she said her congratulations, and then she hugged her father. He squeezed her tightly, telling her he loved her and that her mother was here like she always was. She then proceeded to hug the Griffins and of course Clarke who pulled back with a kiss on Lexa’s cheek that made her face burn and her stomach drop. Lexa turned to ask Anya where they were going for dinner, hoping that no one noticed the heat flush to her cheeks. 

…………

 

The next day, Clarke, Lexa, Jake, and Abby all took the train to Chicago so they could get ready for Clarke’s graduation. Clarke’s parents checked into their hotel downtown as did Lexa. Clarke’s roommates had planned a party in their apartment, it being their last night together before her roommates went home, and despite Clarke’s invitation, Lexa had opted to spend the night in a hotel instead, not wanting to intrude. Clarke was a little disappointed although she understood her friend’s perspective. 

The day of her graduation, Clarke woke up early, luckily not too hungover from the night before. She showered, and took her time with her hair and make-up. By the time she was finished she still had about twenty minutes until she had to leave. She called Lexa, but to her surprise she didn’t answer. It had been a while since she hadn’t picked up one of her calls. Deciding she was probably still getting ready, she chose to brew herself a cup of coffee and head out. 

She was lining up with her fellow students to walk in when she felt her phone buzz in her dress pocket. She unzipped her gown and reached in to grab it. It was a text from Lexa. 

Lexa (12:22): Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was in the shower. Can’t wait to see you! Good Luck! I’m so proud of you!

She smiled at her phone as the person behind her tapped her shoulder telling her to move up in line. 

Her ceremony went well. Only one person fell and she was just glad it wasn’t her. She walked across the stage successfully in her stilettos, and as she was headed down the last flight of stairs from the stage, she searched the crowd for a familiar face. Any familiar face. Just when she was about to give up, she found a familiar green hue. Lexa. She had the biggest smile on her face as their eyes met. She loved Lexa’s eyes. She always had. They were the most unique shade of green that Clarke had ever seen and she was convinced that her eyes were the only thing in the world that shade of emerald. They always managed to calm her, even when she didn’t even know she needed to be soothed. Though, it was hard to tell if that was due the eyes, or their owner. Her best friend was easily one of her favorite people, not just because of how often her kindness amazed her, but because she was the strongest willed person on the planet. She had been through hell since they left high school and she had come out on top. Lexa never talked about it, but Clarke knew that even though it had been almost three years since Lexa’s mom passed, it still pained her every day. She tried to hide it but Clarke knew better than that. The way Lexa hugged her after Clarke had given her her gift two days prior hadn’t left Clarke’s mind. Lexa wasn’t one to cry in front of other people. She hated it. The only time she had done it was while she watched her mother being lowered into the hole in the ground, but she had cried in her arms and Clarke was having trouble putting a name to what that had made her feel. 

As she sat back down in her seat, her phone buzzed again. It was from Lexa again only this time it was a picture. She unlocked her phone to find a picture of a girl in a cap and gown with a speech bubble saying ‘I’d like to thank Google and Wikipedia for getting me here…’ followed by a Willie Wonka meme saying ‘oh you graduated? You must know everything…’ Clarke let out a hearty chuckle, louder than she thought, earning her stares form the row in front of her as she tucked her phone away. 

After the ceremony was finally over, she called her mom to see where she should go to meet them. They had filtered out onto the front lawn so that is where she headed. Once she eventually found her parents, she found more familiar faces. In addition to her parents and Lexa, she also found Raven, Octavia, and Bellamy standing with them. She knew she wasn’t going to see them at Lexa’s graduation because theirs was the same day- Clarke felt bad about this but knew there was nothing she could do- so she was happy they were able come to hers so they could celebrate together. As she approached, they all began clapping and cheering so she took a small bow and a mock curtsey. She laughed as her she gave them all hugs. They all talked for a while, sharing jokes and stories. She couldn’t help but notice, though, how tense Lexa was. Her shoulders had been stiff since she had found the group. Clarke spent some time trying to figure out why she was so tense. She knew everyone in the group well so it wasn’t her shyness. She was trying to think of more reasons when Bellamy came over to her and placed his arm around her shoulders, apparently in the middle of a story. She couldn’t help but notice Lexa’s fisted knuckles turn white. 

“Your parents were talking about heading back early since they have to catch the early train, so we were gonna go to a few bars? You in, Princess?” Clarke had told Bellamy on several occasions how much she hated that nickname but it never seemed to stick. He may have been hot and had a great body, but she regretted hooking up with him. She just did it to do it. She didn’t even really like him, just his abs. 

“Yeah, of course!” 

“Alright guys! Let’s go get a head start on the night then!” he yelled as he walked forward, brushing past Lexa. She let out a low, barely audible growl his way but stayed planted as Clarke approached her. 

“Hey, you’re coming right?” Clarke asked. Lexa looked down at her hands and then back at Clarke. 

“I am actually headed back on the early train tomorrow too. I still haven’t finished packing so I should probably do that.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to leave so early though does it?”

“I already bought the ticket so I’m just gonna go.”

“We can exchange it, Lex. Come on.” She said as she grabbed Lexa’s hand but she almost immediately pulled it back. 

“It’s ok Clarke, I’ll be back in a few days to move in. No worries.”

“Ok,” Clarke replied, defeated. She didn’t understand why her best friend didn’t want to come celebrate their new found freedom with her. She couldn’t help but feel a bit hurt. 

“Here is your gift though,” Lexa said in a lower tone as she handed Clarke the bag that was in her other hand. It was a light blue bag with dark blue tissue paper and a gold ribbon holding the handles together. “I gotta go, your parents are driving me back to the hotel.” She said pulling Clarke in for a quick hug. “Have fun, Clarke. You deserve it.” Lexa flashed Clarke one more quick smile and turned to walk toward the parking lot. Clarke watched her walk away for a minute, reminding herself that she’d be back in a few days. 

She finally turned and jogged a bit to catch up to the rest of the group. Once they were all inside of Bellamy’s truck, Clarke took a second to open Lexa’s gift. She took out the paper and inside was a large picture frame and what looked like a shirt. She reached for the shirt and unfolded it as she read the front of it: ‘Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital Intern’. She couldn’t help but smile at Lexa’s homage to one of Clarke’s favorite TV shows. She took out the frame and on the front was a sticky note covered in Lexa’s neat handwriting. ‘Looks like great minds think alike.’ Clarke removed the sticky note to see the first picture the two of them ever took together. They were about eight and it was the first time Lexa had spent the night at Clarke’s. They had just ‘finished’ their game of Monopoly- the game that would later start their cherished tradition- and it was a perfect shot of them throwing the money in the air. They both had goofy yet typical eight-year old poses with multicolored paper frozen like confetti all around them. At the bottom, Clarke could see more of Lexa’s handwriting. In gold sharpie she read, ‘Every great story has a humble beginning.’ Clarke held the frame close as she remembered that day and took in the words Lexa had written. Their story had begun a long time ago and they had come a long way, and the fact that they had graduated-granted Clarke still had med school left- and now Lexa was moving in with her. They were going to start their new lives together as they had all those years ago, and that made her excited to think of everything their story had yet to unfold.


	7. Better a Cruel Truth than a Comfortable Delusion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I managed to make this one the longest chapter yet, and some more from Clarke's POV! :) There's a song reference in this one. It is 'Saturn' by Sleeping At Last. If you haven't heard it I recommend! It's slower but it's wonderful! As always, thanks for reading this! Enjoy!

Lexa had been a free woman for a little over a week and she had finally finished getting everything together for her move. She had spent the last week clearing out her room and making trips to donation centers to donate the stuff she didn’t need to take with her but was still good enough to use. She also went to dinner with her dad and Anya as a farewell of sorts. It ended in hugs and some hidden tears. As excited as Lexa was to finally move out, she was going to miss the familiarity of home. 

The morning of the day she was supposed to start the long drive to Chicago, she found herself in one of her least favorite places in the world, yet she enjoyed coming because as soon as she got there, a sense of peace washed over her almost immediately. This was where she had spent one of the worst days of her life, yet she was drawn to what it held and came at least once every week for the past three years. 

She parked her car in her usual spot as she popped the trunk to grab the blanket and books she kept there for just this occasion, as well as that morning’s newspaper and the flowers she brought from her dad’s house. Once she had everything tucked under her arm, she walked to her usual spot and laid out the blanket setting the books and the newspaper off to the side. She walked around to the other side, flowers in hand, to the small green cone in the ground that housed the bouquet from her previous visit and replaced them with the fresh one. 

“Hey Mama,” she said softly as she brushed the dirt and leaves away from the large stone rectangle in the grass. “Sorry I didn’t come see you last week, I was at Clarke’s graduation and then I had to pack all of my stuff,” she explained as she sat on the blanket she brought. Lexa had a routine down by this time. She gave her flowers, said hello, talked for a bit, and the she would read crime novels and the crime section of the newspaper out loud to her mother. Yes, it was a strange thing to read at her mother’s grave, but she always said that the crime section was her favorite. Her and Lexa would also watch countless Cops, Forensic Files, Frontline, and Dateline episodes together whenever they were on TV. Part of the reason she majored in Criminal Justice was her mother. 

“A lot has happened since I came last, Mama Bear. I graduated- yay- I got accepted to the Chicago Police Academy, and I’m actually moving today, so I won’t be able to visit very often anymore.” This realization caused tears to form at the bottom of her eyes. 

“There is one other important thing that I need to talk to you about.” Lexa paused to take a deep breath. “Now, I know I told you a while ago that I was gay, and I know that if you were still here, you would be upset about that but I like to pretend that you would be happy because I am happy with myself and I really need to talk to my mother about what’s been going on…” Lexa was getting a little nervous and she couldn’t figure out why. “I’ve been struggling the past couple years. Clarke and I are best friends, we have been for pretty much forever, but when I’m around her, it’s like nothing else matters.” She had to pause again as her heart began to beat faster. “It’s like my mind can’t think about anything else. She is the only person that I’m genuinely happy around because she’s the one person that I know will be there no matter what, but it’s so much more than that. She’s my person, but more than anything, I just want to be her person. I want to be the person that makes her smile all the time. I want to be the person that she misses more than anyone else. I want to be the person that she loves; the one person that just makes her happy. I could be a complete failure in life, but if she was happy it would all be worth it. But I’m not that person. I know I’m not, it’s just difficult for my heart to accept that. I’m terrified that moving in with her is going to make it impossible to get over Clarke but at the same time I’m convinced that living with her is infinitely better than the alternative.”

Lexa wiped the tears from beneath her eyes as she laid on her blanket next the grass that covered that person that always knew what to say to comfort her daughter. Lexa woke up with wet cheeks at least once a week the first year without her mother because her dreams were filled with the woman who could solve anything and everything with a hug and a hot meal. 

She reached for the newspaper and began to read aloud until the stains on her cheeks were dry. A couple of hours had passed and if Lexa wanted to get to Chicago while it was still daylight, she couldn’t afford to postpone the drive any longer. She gathered everything up and walked it back to her car and once everything was squeezed wherever it would fit, she walked back to say goodbye. As she stood looking down at her mother’s name carved in the brown granite, she struggled to find the right words to say. She felt a rain drop on her hand as a thought, as if sent from her mother herself, popped into her head. It was of a song that she had stumbled upon, completely by accident, about a month after her mother had passed, and she thought it was fitting. 

“You taught me the courage of stars before you left. How light carries on endlessly, even after death. With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite. How rare and beautiful it is to even exist. I couldn’t help but ask for you to say it all again. I tried to write it down but I could never find the pen. I’d give anything to hear you say it one more time: that the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes. So, with shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite. How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.” With that, she bid her mother one last teary farewell and turned back to her car to start her drive to her new life. 

……………

She had managed to make decent time on her drive, mostly because she only ended up stopping once. The drive had actually gone better than Lexa thought it would. She had an audiobook and several new songs on her phone to keep her occupied and it also gave her more time to think. She had finally reached a solid conclusion regarding her current predicament. She obviously wasn’t going to reveal anything to Clarke but she decided that she didn’t have to be in an actual relationship with Clarke to make her happy, and that’s all she wanted to do right? All she had to do was make sure that her willpower didn’t all go to shit the minute she saw Clarke, which she concluded was a real possibility. 

She walked up to the door of her new apartment, luckily it was only one flight up, and used the key that Clarke had given her the week prior to unlock the door. She walked in and was greeted by the smell of shampoo and vanilla, which Lexa had instantly recognized as Clarke, but there was also the scent of red wine in the mix. Definitely Clarke. 

The apartment was small, but big enough for two people to live comfortably. To her left was the living area complete with TV, entertainment center, coffee table and two couches- one of which Lexa had bought a couple of weeks ago and had it shipped here with the rest of her larger furniture. On her right was the kitchen and dining area. Upon closer inspection, Lexa found a note with Clarke’s bubbly handwriting on it:

_‘Welcome Home Lex! I’ll be at work until 7:30 so I’ll be home a little after 8! Get settled and check out the surprise I left for you in your room! See you soon, roomie! Love, Clarke’_

Lexa smiled as she read the note again; her eyes lingering on ‘home.’ She walked through the two rooms, passed the bathroom and Clarke’s room to her room and walked inside her room. Clarke’s surprise was hard to miss. She had painted the walls a light teal/seafoam, her favorite color. She had even put her bed together for her and saw that her dresser had been put in the corner already. She noticed there was a lone picture frame on her dresser as she made her way through the maze of boxes to get a closer look. The picture was of Clarke and Lexa at Lexa’s graduation and they both had wide smiles on their faces. Next to the frame she saw another note:

_‘Obviously you can move your stuff however you want, just figured I’d give you a head start.  
-Clarke’_

Lexa turned back toward the door to start grabbing her stuff from her car, eager to get settled in. As she brought the last box to her room, she caught another glimpse of the frame on her dresser and she had another idea. She had to rummage through a couple boxes until she found it but silently thanked any higher power that it wasn’t in the last box. She walked back over to her dresser and gently placed Clarke’s graduation gift next to her new picture frame. She took a step back to admire her new room, satisfied and excited for the future. She checked her phone to see what time it was and when she read that it was already 7:20, she decided her boxes could wait and walked to the kitchen to see what she could make her new roommate for dinner. 

 

………………

 

Clarke had just had the roughest day she’d had in a while. She was working in one of the bigger hospitals in the city as a CNA to save and pay her way through medical school. Not only had she been stuck with two nurses that ran her ragged the entire night, another CNA on her unit called in sick so she had five more patients than she usually did- two of which insisted on pressing their call buttons every three minutes. Needless to say she was exhausted. She wanted nothing more than to just change into her pajamas, and collapse on the couch with a glass of wine. 

As she finally put her key in the lock, she smelt the heavenly smells coming from her apartment. Lexa had been settled in for about three weeks and had made dinner nearly every night. She knew that cooking let Lexa feel close to her mother but she couldn’t help but feel guilty for Lexa doing all of the cooking. She walked into the kitchen to see her roommate standing over the stove, complete with towel over her one shoulder. She had been so much happier since Lexa had moved in with her. She didn’t realize how much she had missed seeing her every day. Lexa also had the calming effect on her. She had just had one of the worst work days imaginable, and yet now that she was home, she didn’t care. 

Lexa had her headphones in like she always did so she clearly hadn’t heard Clarke come in. She snuck up behind her and quickly tickled her waist. Lexa jumped, eyes wide, and raised her spatula like it was a sword. Clarke couldn’t help but throw her head slightly back as she laughed at Lexa’s reddening face. 

“I didn’t hear you come in,” she said trying to get her breath back, “You scared the shit out of me!”

“Clearly, and that was the point,” Clarke said still chuckling. “You know if you keep making me dinner every night, I’m going to turn into a spoiled brat,” she added, nodding toward the soup on the stove. 

“Well, if I didn’t cook for you, you’d be living off of take-out and I don’t think that’s the healthiest diet. Plus, I don’t start at the academy for another month so I literally have nothing else to do while you’re gone.”

“Well, lucky for you I have the next few days off so I will cook something. And by cook something I mean take-out.” Lexa just smiled and shook her head. “So speaking of the next few days,” Clarke added as Lexa set down two bowls of the freshly made Chicken Dumpling soup, “now that your officially settled, I was thinking we could throw a little get together. Nothing big, just Raven, Octavia, maybe a few others... What do you think?” Lexa looked concentratedly at her bowl in front of her. Clarke could sense that she was tense for some reason. “I just thought it would be fun to see everyone and celebrate you finally moving here,” she added, trying to lessen Lexa’s tense downward stare. 

“I don’t think that’s the best idea, Clarke,” was all she said. No explanation. 

“Why not?” Clarke asked. Lexa’s shoulders tensed again. Then she remembered her graduation. Lexa hadn’t wanted to hang out with their friends then either. “Is this because of what happened at my graduation?”

“What? No, it’s just- I don’t know…”

“We’ve been friends with them for years Lex, I don’t understand why-“

“I just don’t like Bellamy. I can’t tell you why, I just don’t. Way too much testosterone for me.”

Clarke was confused. Lexa was easily one of the most intimidating people that she knew so why on earth would she be intimidated by Bellamy. Yeah he could be rough around the edges but he wasn’t the whole package. He may have looked intimidating from afar, but up close he was the farthest thing. 

“If I don’t invite him will you let me organize a party?” Clarke asked with her most convincing smile. 

“Yeah I guess,” Lexa mumbled back to her as she went to put her dish in the sink. 

“Good because Raven and Octavia are already coming in on Thursday,” Clarke added with another grin. Lexa looked back at her as she rolled her eyes trying to suppress the smiling creeping on her face. “Well, after today, I definitely need some wine so I’ll get the glasses and you pick the movie. Deal?”

“Sure,” Lexa replied making her way to the DVD cabinet in the entertainment center. Clarke poured them each a glass of red wine and brought them and the bottle to the couch as she heard the Coraline theme begin to rise from the speakers. She looked to Lexa who was already sitting on the couch, smiling at Clarke as she handed her a full glass. 

“Good choice,” was all Clarke said as she sat down close to her roommate. She pulled her feet up onto the couch and leaned her knees toward Lexa, who was sitting with her feet on the coffee table. Clarke held her glass with two hands to her chest and as the movie slowly progressed she felt her eyelids become heavier. Once she had finished her wine, which didn’t take long at all, she reached forward to put it on the coffee table. Once she was comfortable again, she leaned her head on Lexa’s shoulder. She knew she was going to fall asleep, and she wasn’t going to fight it, but she wasn’t ready to go to bed yet. As soon as her head made contact with the top of Lexa’s shoulder, her nose was bombarded with the smell of daisies and evergreens. It was one of Clarke’s favorite smells and the only thing that had that perfect combination was Lexa. She had always smelled like that and Clarke could never figure out what made her smell like that. It was a mystery. She turned her attention back to the TV for only a few minutes before the wonderful smells and the sounds of Lexa’s breathing lulled her to sleep. 

 

………..

 

Once Clarke had gotten word to everyone that she was throwing a party for Lexa, it was decided that Friday would be best. Raven and Octavia would both be in town for work and for Bellamy, and Octavia was bringing her boyfriend Lincoln. Clarke had made it very clear to Octavia that her brother wasn’t invited, and although Octavia didn’t understand why, she complied. Clarke had also gotten in touch with Jasper, Maya, and Monty who had been living in Indianapolis for a while, and they were driving up too. 

The evening of the party, Raven, Octavia, and Lincoln, had arrived first with several bottles of Smirnoff and Jack Daniels. Lexa had left a half an hour earlier to get the pizzas and beers for everyone. Lexa wanted to cook for everyone but Clarke insisted that she wasn’t allowed to cook for her own party, and since Clarke could barely boil water, pizza was their best option- it wasn’t like anyone was going to object to pizza. Shortly after Jasper, Maya, and Monty arrived, Lexa came back as well. Raven insisted on playing bartender to get everyone started but once Octavia the Lightweight was buzzed it was downhill from there. She insisted that everyone played drinking games with her, and soon everyone was at least tipsy. 

Their doorbell rang about two and a half hours in and Lexa gave Clarke a confused look. Clarke returned it and staggered a bit as she stood to see who the mystery knocker was, and as soon as she opened the door she slightly panicked. 

“Bellamy what are you-” before she could even finish asking, Bellamy pushed in past her holding a bag full of Fireball and Coke.   
“Ok, now the party can start, people!”

Clarke shot Octavia a look that could have killed her, while Octavia looked back with wide unknowing eyes. Raven on the other hand was avoiding eye-contact and became suddenly very interested in texting someone. Lexa got up to get another drink and Clarke walked over to her. 

“Lex, I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t invite him. I think Raven let it slip,” she said looking back to her. 

“It’s fine, Clarke, as long as you promise to get me drunk enough that I don’t care.”

“That I can definitely do,” Clarke answered with a grin as she poured a very potently unbalanced Jack and Coke. 

The party and the games continued, as Octavia wanted to “relive teenage rebellion” by playing Never Have I Ever, while Lexa and Raven played several bouts of “Drunk Call of Duty”- which was a disaster for the most part. Once Raven’s drunken trigger happy rage was sated, she demanded they play poker. Octavia vouched for strip poker but was quickly shot down by Clarke reminding her that the last time they played strip poker it did not end well. 

“I have a couple decks in my room let me go grab them really quick.” She stood up from her spot on the floor and walked to the bookcase where she kept her cards. She bent down to root through the bottom shelf and when she finally found them, she stood up a little too fast and her alcohol level got the best of her for a second. She stumbled over and grabbed the bookcase to catch her balance, but she hit it a little harder than she thought because she knocked over some of the stuff that was on top of it and it fell behind the book shelf out of sight. She went to reach for what had fallen but heard Raven from the other room.

“Griffin, let’s go!”

“Fuck off, Raven I’m coming!” She shouted back as she walked out of her room, completely forgetting about what had fallen behind her bookcase. 

 

………….

 

Clarke woke up the next morning, miraculously in her own bed, but predictably in the same clothes as the night before. She woke slowly and very groggily and had to gingerly readjust her head because of her massive hangover. She tried to open her eyes but quickly discovered that was a horrible decision because the sun was shining full force through her window. She internally debated the pros and cons of getting up and pulling her shade down, but moving sounded just as bad. Eventually, her eyes won out. She slowly sat up in her bed and once she was settled, she stood up even slower to avoid sending the room, and her stomach, into a spin. Once she was all the up though she felt a little better. She walked over to her window, hand on her forehead trying to shield her fragile eyes from the brightness, and drew her shade. As she turned to walk back to her welcoming bed, she saw that something was missing from the bookcase that was in the corner next to the window. She knew something was missing but she couldn’t remember what had once occupied the now empty space before her. As her memory of the previous was slowly coming back to her, she remembered getting the cards, bumping the bookcase and hearing a loud thump against the wall. She peered to look behind the bookcase to see the frame that Lexa had gotten her for her graduation gift wedged in-between the case and the wall. Clarke carefully got on her knees and carefully pulled it out. She sat back onto her heels and drew the frame into her lap to assess the damage. The glass was cracked across the bottom and a corner of the frame had broken off. Clarke’s heart sunk. She loved the gift and the girl who had given it to her even more and she felt guilty thinking about Lexa finding out that she broke it. She knew she could fix it though. All she needed was a new frame and Lexa to write on the new one. 

She flipped the frame over so she could remove the back to save the picture inside, but once she unhooked the black velvet backing, there was another folded bundle of paper inside, behind the picture. She took the picture out and placed it onto her desk as she closely examined the bundle. She turned it over in her hands and saw perfect cursive writing, so obviously Lexa’s, spelling out ‘Clarke Griffin.” Confused, yet mildly intrigued, she unfolded the papers to unveil more of the perfectly curling black ink.

 

_‘Dear Clarke,  
I’ve really tried these past months to keep myself together, but the past few days have been impossible. I can’t concentrate on anything, I can barely eat, and I’ve tried sleeping but I can’t tame or control where my mind takes me._

_This letter, should you ever actually have it in hand, is a truth- my truth- that I’ve been hiding from for some time, but I can’t hide anymore._

_For years, I’ve been searching for the elusive idea that is happiness, and for years I have failed. There have been several temporary substitutions, but they all ended the same way: with me back where I started. Now, I’ve finally found it, and it has been right in front of me the entire time. But the one thing that no one tells you, however, is that just because you’ve found the entity that serves as the key to your happiness, doesn’t necessarily mean that you get to obtain it, or even deserve it for that matter. It’s torturous; staring happiness dead in the face and knowing it will never be yours._

_Dreaming is an incredibly dangerous thing. It allows us to participate in things that reality rejects us. By allowing us a taste of what our lives could be, it creates a sense of hope in the very pit of our stomachs that begins to whisper the sweet nothings of possibility in our ears. This hope then cruelly leads our hearts to want for everything that our realist brains say we cannot have. Our brains know logic and reasoning while our hearts know only the romanticized ideals that it thinks will lead to our happiness. This disagreement leads to internal turmoil that lays casualty to everything it touches._

_This chaos is the root of my encroaching insanity._

_My heart knows what will make it happy, and has vowed to want nothing else. My brain knows this ‘true happiness’ that my heart longs for will never be even remotely within reach and punishes it relentlessly._

_I think this punishment, and the pain that follows, is what everyone writes songs and poems about._

_It’s heartbreak._

_It is knowing exactly what you want and being just awake enough to know it will always be there, but never be yours. It is the weight around your chest that slowly suffocates you. It squeezes and squeezes until your heart starts tearing in half, and just when you think it will finally start healing, it squeezes a little harder._

_This is what you do to me._

_No matter how hard I try, I can’t change how happy you make me. I can’t change the way you can alter the dynamic of a room just by walking into it. I can’t change how your laugh brightens your eyes and makes my stomach do flips. I can’t change how your smile makes my lungs forget how to breathe. I can’t change how a hug from you can melt all of life’s problems into nothing. I can’t change any of it, nor would I ever want to._

_You are the only person who can break down my walls; the only person who I can let in. That can see me weak and vulnerable. Than can see **me.**_

_You deserve the world in its entirety and I would stop time if you asked me to for the simple reward of seeing you smile and knowing I was the cause of it. Though, I could work day and night in the hopes of becoming worthy of someone as remarkable as yourself, it still wouldn’t be enough._

_Part of me knows that you could never feel the same way, but the other part masochistically hopes that more could stem from an accidental slip.  
My idiotic, naively romantic heart refuses to let got despite all reality shows it. It is driving me mad. This constant back and forth between yes and no is making me so dizzy, I don’t even know which way is up anymore. _

_**I love you.** _

_Believe me, I know I shouldn’t but against my brain’s logic, I do, and even maintain childish dreams of a world where you could someday feel the same. But like I said, I excel in naivety._

_So it’s here that I stop to ask something of you. As it is impossible for someone like you to love someone so hopelessly undeserving as myself, I ask you to put me out of my misery. My heart needs to hear reality from the source. Hope, no matter the dose, can be a very cruel thing._

_I realize the immediate inconvenience, not to mention complications, that come with this confession, and if it is your wish to never speak to me again, I understand completely. If our friendship is not irrevocably damaged, one word from you will silence me on this subject forever._

_I can’t tell you how sorry I am for any damage I’ve caused, no matter the degree, but I needed to tell you all of this before it kills me._

_Yours Always,  
Lexa’_

 

As Clarke finished reading the letter, she felt a pull in the pit of her stomach and wet drops fall onto the paper from her damp cheeks.


	8. Love, Love Changes Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Sorry for the big time gap!! University midterms were kicking my butt for a bit, but I'm back!  
> While I was making the outlines for this chapter and the next, I decided to take this on a slightly different route than I originally intended so hopefully you guys still like it! This chapter is a little slow, and it was a little difficult to write, but I swear on my tiny gay heart that the next chapter will make up for everything!! As always your kudos, comments etc. always make my day! Thanks for reading!

Clarke sat on her bed with tears rolling down her cheeks and her best friend’s heart in her hands. She had read the letter three times now and each time it got harder to get through it. She had to convince herself that she wasn’t imagining what she was reading. Her best friend, the girl that she’d known since she was seven years old, the girl whom the only thing she hated more than squishy feelings was talking about them, had written her a Jane Austen-like letter confessing her biggest secret. Lexa was in love with Clarke. 

Clarke had never made a big deal over Lexa’s sexuality. When Lexa came out to her, she was just happy to see that Lexa was finally happy. Her best friend was still her best friend and always would be. She never considered the possibility that Lexa had felt any differently toward her than she did to Lexa. She didn’t want to feel like this changed things, but she also felt it was inevitable now. 

She knew she wasn’t gay, but she had never really considered the possibility of bisexuality either. She had only ever dated guys before and she’d only slept with one guy, Bellamy. She had girl crushes just like every other girl did, but then again, how many straight girls regularly have dreams about said crushes? So what if she was bi? What exactly would that mean? She saw everything that Lexa had to go through after she came out and she remembered how broken Lexa was at some points, but most of the time, Lexa was happy to finally be herself. By now the homophobes didn’t even phase her, but that is the type of person Lexa is. She doesn’t give a shit about what other people think of her, only those closest to her. She did her own thing, and Clarke admired her for that. She knew that she wasn’t like that though. She was the type who preferred to swim with the current rather than against it. 

The question, now, wasn’t whether or not Clarke could feel the same way about Lexa, but if she was ready to. Telling Lexa that she was willing to give a romantic relationship a try had the potential of being very dangerous. First, there was the chance that Lexa wrote the letter a long time ago and had since gotten over her feelings for Clarke. Then, there was the possibility that she still felt that way, they tried it, Clarke realizing she’s not bi, and breaking Lexa’s heart. Then, what if they were good together? What if Clarke told her she wanted to give it a shot and it ended up being the best thing to ever happen to her? Was she willing to take that risk, or would it end in more pain than happiness? Lexa was her best friend, and Clarke wasn’t sure if she could risk both their hearts and their near life-long friendship for a ‘what if.’

 

…………………

Lexa was leaving the train station, on her way home from work, as she felt her phone start to buzz. She had been at the police academy for a few weeks now and so far, everything was going well, it was certainly a lot of work though. She grabbed her phone from her pocket and sees a text from Clarke. 

**Clarke (19:22):** Hey, just a heads up I’m gonna be home a little late today. Study group is going longer than I thought, and I have to stop at the store on my way back. If you’re not hungry yet, don’t make anything… It’s my turn! Hope your day was ok!

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at the text, as she did with pretty much all of Clarke’s texts. Things had been going well. She had managed to make it nearly three months without turning into a stalker so that was a win. Anya had mentioned wanting to come to visit when she had some time off so naturally Lexa had been looking forward to that as well. Clarke and she hadn’t really spoken to any of their friends since the day after their party. It wasn’t from a lack of trying, rather just adult life getting in the way for all of them. One thing Lexa had noticed though was Clarke’s behavior. Ever since the party, when Lexa had found her in her room with mysteriously red and puffy eyes, she had been jumpier than usual and Lexa caught her zoning out a lot. She chalked it up to the stress of med school, all the while quietly praying to whatever higher power that she hadn’t done anything wrong. 

A couple hours later, Lexa heard a key turn in the lock on the front door as she was putting the finishing touches on dinner and filling up the water glasses. Clarke set her bags and stacks of books down on the couch as she turned to Lexa who was by the table. 

“Not that I’m complaining that I’m coming home to good food, but I’m telling you, if I don’t cook at least some nights, you’re gonna spoil me and I’ll always expect someone to cook for me and then I might starve.”

“Well, if I let you cook we probably will starve. Either that or food poisoning.” Lexa replied with a smirk. “Besides, you know I like cooking. It reminds me of when I’d cook with my mom.”

“Like I said, I’m not really complaining. Your mother made the best meals I’ve ever eaten so I have no problem with you using her recipes. That may or may not have been the reason I wanted you to move in with me,” Clarke said sarcastically as Lexa feigned offense. 

They both shared brief descriptions of their days as they sat down, but most of the meal was eaten in silence. Usually they sat in a comfortable silence, but then it was clear to Lexa that Clarke was thinking about something, pretty intently, so she left her alone. 

Clarke got up, rubbed the back of her neck as she stretched it to the side, then grabbed the dishes from the table, including Lexa’s, and took them to the sink. Lexa watched her walk to the bathroom for a couple seconds, and come out with one of her hands cupped closed. 

“Are you ok?” Lexa asked, as Clarke tipped the pills into her mouth and finished the rest of her water, swallowing them down. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just getting a headache,” she finished as she began doing the dishes. 

“Hey, go sit down, I’ve got this, Clarke,” Lexa insisted, mildly concerned, as she took the plate from Clarke’s hand. After a bit more insisting on Lexa’s part, she finally went to the couch to sit. About a half an hour later, once she had finished the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen, Lexa joined her. 

“I need a small favor from you, Lex, if you don’t mind…” Clarke said slowly as she ruffled through one of the paper shopping bags. 

“Yeah, of course. What’s up?”

Clarke pulled out a pack of gold Sharpies and a new picture frame. 

“I may or may not have accidentally broken the frame that you gave me for graduation so I need you to write on this one for me.” Clarke said handing it to Lexa.

“What the hell, Clarke!? I made that especially for you!” Lexa replied harshly, but when Clarke made eye contact with her, she couldn’t keep a straight face  
.  
“Clarke, I’m joking, it’s fine,” she laughed as she uncapped the Sharpie. She wrote the quote as neatly and perfectly as she could, blew on it to make sure it wouldn’t smudge, and handed it gently back to Clarke.

“Thank you.” 

There was a still silence for about a minute as Clarke stared at the frame. She was staring so intently and gripping the Sharpie so tightly Lexa could see her knuckles turning white. 

“Is it bad? I can get the rubbing alcohol and redo it if you want,” said Lexa, breaking the silence, but when Clarke didn’t respond or even look away from the frame, Lexa placed her hand around Clarke’s fist that was gripping the Sharpie.

“Clarke, relax. Are you ok?”

“I found the letter behind the picture.”

Lexa jerked her hand back and her entire body froze. Her lungs stopped drawing breath and she was ninety-eight percent sure her heart stopped as well. This was it. Clarke knew her secret. Just when everything had finally been going well in that department. She could feel the walls around her shake as she waited for the world around her to crumble to her feet. She could feel her lungs burn for air but refusing to take it until she heard something else from Clarke. She had completely forgotten about that stupid letter and was currently damning herself for being a lovesick idiot and putting said letter in the frame. Lexa wasn’t ready for Clarke to know, but her past self, and karma apparently, had a different plan. 

“Did you mean it?”

Clarke’s voice broke her chain of thought but she was still struggling to breathe and her heart had forgotten its purpose. How was she supposed to answer a question like that?

“Do you want the honest answer?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want the truth.” Lexa took her a deep breath, her first in minutes. 

“Every word.”

Clarke exhaled forcefully as she stood from the couch and walked a couple paces toward the kitchen.

“When did you write it?”

“Sophomore year of college,” Lexa confessed, still seated, eyes fixed on the carpet. 

“You wrote that over three years ago!?” Clarke threw her arms out as her voice grew louder. “Why didn’t you just say something then!?”

“It’s not that simple, Clarke!” Lexa said standing up from the couch, trying to control her volume but still speaking louder than a normal conversational decibel. “How could I have!? Because that’s such a casual and easy conversation to have! I didn’t want to destroy our friendship just because my heart was being an idiot!”

Clarke’s eyes softened and Lexa thought she could see tears forming at their bottoms. 

“All of those things that you said, do you still feel that way?” Lexa took another deep breath, a step towards Clarke, and forced herself to look into to those endless ocean blue eyes that she always got lost in. 

“I love you, Clarke. Yes, in a best friend kind of way, but I also love you in a ‘I-could-easily-see-myself-with-you-forever’ kind of way. I’m in love with you.” Clarke gently grasped one of Lexa’s hands as a tear made a path down her cheek. 

“You are my best friend. The last thing I want to do is to hurt you, and I don’t want anything to change either, but…”

“Please don’t,” Lexa strained, eyes quickly filling with tears. “I know the letter said I needed to hear you say it, but right now, I don’t think I can,” Lexa said backing away from Clarke. “I’m sorry that this happened. I never should have wrote that.”

“No, Lex, that letter-“

“I’ll move out so this isn’t weird. I’ll start looking in the morning,” Lexa continued as she started walking to her room. 

“Lexa don’t be ridiculous. Come on! You’re not moving out! It will only be weird if we make it weird.”

“Clarke,” she started as she turned back toward her roommate, “I screwed up. I ruined everything and it is never going to be the way it was before this stupid shit happened.”

“Lex, we’ll make it work, ok? Just calm down a bit and-“

“You don’t understand!” she yelled. Taking a breath, she continued barely above a whisper, “I can’t stay here. I can’t see you every day knowing that I betrayed your trust and your friendship. It was difficult enough before, living here, knowing that you’d never love me the way I love you, but I was able to muddle through it, and I was doing pretty well. Now? Now that that sliver of hope is finally gone, I don’t think I can take it. What happens when you start dating someone? I think waking up to find a guy in nothing but boxers in the kitchen would actually kill me, so no, I don’t think we can make it work, Clarke. It’s all my fault.” 

Lexa couldn’t say anything else because if she did her heart would implode. She walked the rest of the way to her bedroom and shut the door behind her. She paced in front of her closet, running her hands through her hair, making no attempt to stop the tears flowing down her cheeks. It was times like these where she missed her punching bag in her father’s basement. She kept pacing, replaying the last five minutes in her head over and over again. Why the fuck did she put that damn letter in the picture frame!? Who fucking does that!? She let her anger get the best of her as she let her fist fly against her closet door frame and felt a crack when she made contact. She drew it back staring at the blood pooling and already running down the back of her hand. She felt nothing. She saw the large gash running across her knuckles and that her middle knuckle wasn’t where it was supposed to be, but she didn’t feel any pain from it. All she felt was the pain from the hole in her chest where her heart was supposed to be, but instead it was lying on the living room floor in a thousand tiny pieces. 

…………………

Clarke woke the next morning after a solid hour-maybe- of sleep. She tossed and turned the entire night debating whether or not she made the right decision. She didn’t think that Lexa was going to react the way that she did, but at the same time, she understood. 

The way Lexa’s perfect emerald eyes bore into hers as she told her she was in love with her. Clarke had never felt a warmer feeling in her chest than she had in that moment. Lexa was the best thing in her life. She was her person. She was always there. Right then, Clarke realized the mistake that she had made. She never should have said that she didn’t love Lexa. She promised her best friend that she would never lie to her and that was a lie. Screw the possibility of it not working out. She knew that she and Lexa were supposed to be together. Better to have loved and lost than not loved at all, right?

Clarke hurriedly got out of her bed, checked herself in the mirror, adjusted her sloppy bun, and went across the hall to Lexa’s door. Heart pounding, she raised her fist and gently knocked on the door. There was no response.

“Lex? Can I talk to you for a second, please?” she knocked again. “I was wrong yesterday.” 

When again, she heard no response, she gently gripped and turned the doorknob and pushed the door open halfway. Lexa’s bed was made, but the girl who made it was nowhere to be found. Scared, Clarke walked into the room and checked her dresser. All of Lexa’s stuff was gone. She spotted an envelope with a sticky note on the front lying on the bed. 

_Should be enough for my half of the rent for a few months until you can find a new roommate. I can't do it. I’m sorry, Clarke. –Lexa_

Clarke went numb. Lexa was the best thing in her life. She was her person. She was who she loved. She was always there. Until she wasn’t.


	9. The Grave Wasn't Deep Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Again! This chapter took a while to write but I wanted to get it right... hopefully I did (not to mention it is also the longest chapter by far!) :) I had a little fun with this one. I will say, though, I did a little bit of research but I'm still not a medical expert so I apologize if it's not all accurate. Suspension of Disbelief lol :) Anyway, your comments make me so happy and I can't express how much your reading this means to me! Thank you! Enjoy!

**FOUR YEARS LATER**

 

As soon as the elevator doors opened, Lexa zipped out, eyes locked on her desk on the opposite side of the bullpen. Her partner, Gustus, was already sitting at his desk sipping his coffee and reading something on his computer screen. Lexa set her own coffee cup down on her desk and threw her leather jacket over the back of her chair.

“Nice of you to show up,” her partner quipped lifting his eyes from his screen. 

“Yeah, sorry” Lexa replied turning her computer on. Lexa had been a homicide detective for a little more than six months after more than three years on patrol. She and her partner had meshed quite well together in such a short time, and this was not Lexa’s first time being late, but her partner always covered for her. 

“What’d this one do?” her partner asked with a subtle smirk.

“She wanted me to make her breakfast and then it took her forever to leave.”

“Did she text you asking when she’ll see you again or how wonderful you are?” Gustus added not bothering to hide his chuckles. 

“Twice,” Lexa replied, rolling her eyes.

“I swear, you get more girls to go home with you than any guy I know. I wonder what would happen if you ever broke your ‘no feelings’ rule?”

“I’d be under a form of mind control and you’d have to kill me.” Gus then turned fully toward his partner, his smile gone and seriousness now taking over. 

“I’m serious, Lex. Why not?” 

“I just haven’t found anyone that’s worth it yet,” she finished quietly after a moment, avoiding eye contact.

“What about that one girl you told me about?”

“Woods! Odon! My office!” Lexa’s head whipped around to look over her left shoulder to find her captain leaning out of her office. Both Gustus and Lexa got up from their desks and walked to the office down the open hallway. Lexa shut the door behind her and took a sit in the open chair in front of the large metallic desk.  
“I have a new case assignment for the two of you. The victim is a relative of the DA so I need this done discreetly, understood?”

“Yes, ma’am,” they replied in unison. 

“Here’s the case file,” the captain continued handing Gustus the folder, “it’s not much yet, but the medical examiner is waiting for you down at the morgue and he will fill you in on the rest.”

“Wait, why aren’t we going to the crime scene?” Lexa asked, confused.

“The medical examiner will explain. Get going.” With that, the detectives left, confused, but didn’t saying anything else.

Within twenty -five minutes, Lexa and her partner were at the morgue. They were shown back to the autopsy room by an assistant and found a younger man, maybe mid to late twenties, dressed in a surgical gown and gloves hunched over the pale body on the table. He stood straight when he saw them and took a couple steps to meet them. 

“You must be the detectives. My name is Dr. Jackson.”

“I’m Detective Odon and this is Detective Woods, we’re from the twelfth. You must be new.”

“Just transferred here from Milwaukee. Let me introduce you to your victim.” Jackson said, walking back to where he stood before on the other side of the table. 

“This is Zoe Monroe, Caucasian female, twenty-four years old. She was found in her apartment by her sister yesterday morning.”

“Why weren’t we notified yesterday, then?” Lexa interjected.

“When the sister called 911 and EMS arrived, she notified them that she was a late stage kidney disease patient which they assumed was the cause of death. Due to the circumstances, as well as the family’s request, she was brought here for an autopsy yesterday afternoon. I performed the autopsy myself first thing this morning and had one of the assistants call your department.” Lexa and Gustus appeared intrigued but still slightly confused. “Toxicology reports showed that Miss Monroe’s potassium levels were quite high.”

“Isn’t that normal because she had kidney disease?” Lexa asked, her partner looking over at her, impressed. “What? I know some things.”

“You’re right, it is normal to have high potassium levels. However, your victim had very high potassium levels. Normal blood levels average at about 3.5-5.0 mmols/L. A kidney patient would have signs of hyperkalemia.”

“English, Doc.” Gustus added, irritated.

“They have potassium blood levels at around 6, which is high, but treatable.”

“What was her blood level?” Lexa asked, nodding toward the victim. 

“She had a potassium blood level of an 8.2. I also found syringe puncture wounds on the back of her neck, defensive wounds on her wrists and forearms as well as skin fragments underneath her fingernails. So unless she had a banana obsession, she was killed with a potassium chloride injection.”

“So whomever killed her had medical knowledge and knew her well enough to know that she had kidney problems?” Lexa asked, more to herself than anyone else but got an answer anyway.

“It would seem so,” said the doctor, finishing her thought. 

“Well nice catch then Dr. Jackson.” Gustus added with a hard slap on the back that nearly sent the small framed ME flying into the wall. 

“Do you have all of her personal information on file yet?” Lexa asked.

“Yeah, it should be updated. Why?”

“We’re gonna need her address.”

 

…………………………….. 

 

From the morgue, the two detectives went to Zoe Monroe’s apartment to get a sense of who she was and to find any evidence indicating that she was injected there. It didn’t take long to determine that her apartment wasn’t the crime scene due to how neat the apartment was. If the victim had defensive wounds, there was most likely a struggle and there were no signs of conflict to be seen. They did however find Monroe’s planner which indicated that she had a doctor’s appointment with her nephrologist the morning she died. 

Less than an hour later, Lexa found herself on her way to Northwestern Memorial Hospital where she was to hoping to find a Dr. Tsing, Monroe’s kidney specialist. She had called her office earlier but they had explained that today was the doctor in-hospital rotation day. She and Gustus had agreed that it would be best to split up and cover more ground so while she was interviewing the doctor, he was on his way to interview the victim’s sister.

Lexa took the liberty of parking right in front of the main entrance. One of her favorite things about her job was she could basically park wherever she wanted. It’s the little things. She walked in to see an information desk front and center. Behind the desk was an elderly gentleman wearing a red polo with ‘Volunteer’ embroidered neatly on the left side of his chest. 

“Can I help you, Miss?” He asked politely.

“My name is Detective Woods. I’m with the Chicago Police Department,” she spoke authoritatively as she showed him her badge. “Could you tell me where I can find Dr. Lorelai Tsing, please?”

“Of course, Detective. One moment, please.” He rolled his chair a little further down the desk to his computer. After a few minutes he turned back to Lexa. “She will most likely be in the Nephrology wing. If you take the elevators behind me to the fifth floor, turn right and walk down to the nurse’s station, they will be able to page her for you.”

“Thank you,” she replied with a smile. She walked past the desk and pressed the elevator call button. Thankfully it was an uninterrupted elevator ride and the doors opened again to the fifth floor. She followed the volunteer’s instructions and approached the nurse station, introducing herself again. 

“Sure, I can call her for you,” the young nurse said with a coy smile as she made no attempt to hide the fact that she was looking Lexa over from her hair to her ass. She picked up the phone and bit her bottom lip as she lifted it to her shoulder. Lexa was used to these looks. She got them a lot and usually, she would play it cool and be charmingly smooth right back, but this was work and she had a job to do.

“She’s in her office. I can walk you there,” she offered, already starting to stand. 

“I’m sure I can find it, thank you,” Lexa politely declined. 

Begrudgingly accepting her rejection, the nurse pointed Lexa down the hall to where she would find Dr. Tsing’s office.  
She knocked and was instructed to enter. She gently pushed the door open and found a woman, no older than forty, with olive skin and raven black, wavy hair. She was wearing a light blue blouse, a black skirt, and a long white lab coat. 

“You must be the police officer,” she said standing a walking to Lexa’s side of the desk. “I’m Dr. Lorelai Tsing. What can I do for you?” 

“Detective Woods, homicide. I’m here to ask you about one of your patients.”

“Homicide?” she asked with wide eyes.

“Your patient, Zoe Monroe, was found dead in her apartment yesterday.”

“That’s awful! She was just here yesterday morning. She had late stage kidney disease, her kidneys were failing and she wasn’t very high up on the donor list. Why would anyone hurt her?”

“That’s what I’m trying to find out. How was your appointment with her yesterday?”

“Of course, anything to help. The appointment was pretty much the same as the others. We just checked her vitals, took a blood sample, and she went through her dialysis treatment. That was it.”

“Was she acting any differently at all, or mention what she was doing after the appointment?”

“I think she mentioned having a lunch date, or a dinner date with someone. I can’t remember exactly.”

“Ok, thank you, Dr. Tsing. You’ve been helpful.” Lexa said, wrapping up and heading back toward the door. 

“Of course, please let me know if there is anything else I or my office can do.”

“Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, do you think you could have her results from yesterday sent to the medical examiner’s office?”

“Consider it done, Detective.” Lexa gave the doctor a curt nod and exited the office, hearing the door shut behind her. She passed the nurse’s station again on her way back to the elevators and found the nurse from before still sitting at the desk. For fun, Lexa threw her a quick smile and a wink and walked out of the unit to the lifts.  
She pressed the call button but was caught waiting for a few minutes. As she was nonchalantly looking around, she saw a wisp of blonde hair down the hall opposite from where she had just come. The figure was approaching the far end of the hallway as the elevator door opened. She stood and watched the woman walk down the corridor. 

“You going down?” Lexa heard someone say, but ignored them as she followed the pull in her stomach down the hall, following the woman in the lab coat. She watched as she turned the corner and saw the familiar shade of yellow as the fluorescent light bounced off of its waves. After the woman disappeared around the corner, stopped herself. What was she doing? Her heartbeat had quickened and her stomach kept pulling her further and further down the hall, like a dog excitingly pulling its owner on a walk. She cut through the waiting room to cut the corner but halfway, she stopped again. She couldn’t do it. It probably isn’t even her and even if it was what would she say to her? They hadn’t spoken in person since the argument in their old apartment all those years ago. She forced herself to turn around and head back to the elevators. 

“Lexa?”

She froze. She hadn’t heard her name in that raspy voice in far too long, and her stomach was swimming. She felt goosebumps rise on her arms and the back of her neck. She could just pretend she didn’t hear it and keep going… No, she couldn’t. 

“Is that you?” The voice said again and now she was sure her stomach was drowning. Lexa slowly turned around, heart pounding so loudly in her ears the fire alarm could be going off and she’d be totally oblivious. 

Everything stopped and everything happened all at once. The world was thrown into chaos and the world was at peace. The ground met the sky in a matter of seconds. Lexa met Clarke’s eyes- those ocean blue eyes that she loved more than life itself- and the world’s entire butterfly population moved into her stomach. It was like falling in love with her all over again. It was like the last four years had never even happened. In that moment, there was no pain, no tears, no heartbreak. Everything was perfect. 

“Hey, stranger,” Clarke spoke softly, pulling Lexa from her trance. 

“Hey,” was all Lexa could say. The butterflies in her stomach were apparently migrating to her throat preventing anything more from coming out. 

“Long time no see,” Clarke chuckled awkwardly. Lexa still couldn’t do anything but nod. “What are you doing here?” 

“Work,” she replied, hoping her one-word response would suffice.

“Work?” Lexa cleared her throat a couple of times, internally praying that words would come out when she opened her mouth.

“I had to interview one of the doctors for a case."

“Oh yeah! Raven told me you were a detective now!”

“Yeah, homicide.”

“Homicide? Whoa, that’s intense. Is your victim a doctor here?” Lexa knew she wasn’t supposed to be sharing information on her case, but this was Clarke. She knew here restraint went out the window the minute she opened her mouth. 

“No, a patient. I had an interview with Dr. Tsing. What are you doing here?” As soon as the words hit the air, Lexa wanted to slap herself. ‘Idiot’ she thought to herself. ‘You know why she’s here. She’s wearing a fucking white coat.’ She could feel the color rising to her cheeks and looked at the ground in a vain attempt to hide it. 

“Well, I’m being paid to be here,” she said laughing. She lifted her left hand to move a stray hair from her face and Lexa noticed a glint of light from her hand. As Clarke brought her arm in front of her so she was hugging the file she was holding, Lexa saw a small ring wrapped around her finger. The butterflies that had resided in her stomach died all at once and her heart sunk to the floor. She could feel her body start to go numb as she remembered crying in her bed with her computer on her lap with the daunting words: _Clarke Griffin has updated her relationship info to: ENGAGED to Bellamy Blake._ She remembered lying down, hugging her pillow, sobbing into her empty bedroom, wishing that death would be merciful and take her away.  
“So do you-“

“I should probably get going,” Lexa said quickly. “I’ve got some work to do at the station.”

“Yeah, of course.” Clarke looked down at her feet.

“I guess, I’ll see you around then.”

“Yeah… it was really nice seeing you Lex.” Lexa’s heart skipped a beat at the nickname. Old habits die hard.  
Lexa turned and started walking back toward the elevators. 

“Wait! Lexa!” Lexa stopped and turned back toward the young doctor.  
“You said you saw Dr. Tsing, right?” Clarke asked, catching up to her.

“Yeah, the nephrologist.”

“She specializes in kidney disease patients and there’s been rumors quietly circulating the hospital that she uses experimental methods on her patients.”

“Don’t all doctors do that though?” Lexa asked.

“Only if they’re approved by the FDA and the patient signs a waiver. Rumors have it she has neither of those. But like I said, rumors. I don’t think anyone has any proof, but I figured you might want to know. Especially now that one of her patients is dead.”

“I’ll see if I can find out. Thanks for the heads up, Clarke,” Lexa said, smiling at Clarke. 

Lexa finally left the hospital and as she started her car she had to take a second. Four years of suppressed feelings for Clarke came flooding back in a matter of seconds and it was making her a little bit dizzy. She liked to tell herself that she was over Clarke and that her feelings were gone, but they were never really gone, just merely swept under the rug and out of sight. Part of her was mad at herself that she went after Clarke in the hallway, but the other part of her was thanking every higher power that her feet didn’t listen to her brain. Clarke was still the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Her blonde hair fell perfectly over her shoulders just like it always did, Lexa swore that somehow her eyes were even bluer than before, and her voice still made Lexa weak at the knees. It made her feel like she was free-falling, but seeing Clarke’s engagement ring was like hitting the pavement. It made her remember why she left in the first place: seeing Clarke with someone else would kill her, but despite everything, seeing Clarke was the best thing that had happened in a long time. But, the more Lexa thought about it, she came to a finite conclusion: Clarke was everything to her so didn’t that mean the was worth everything? 

She was. 

Everything and much more. 

 

…………………….

Two days later, Lexa again found herself on her way to Northwestern Memorial, but this time she was not only accompanied by her partner, Gustus, but also two uniformed officers following in the squad car behind her, and an arrest warrant in her jacket pocket. Since her last visit, they had spent hours going over Zoe Monroe’s financial and phone records which showed nothing suspicious. They did find that she made a stop on her way home from Dr. Tsing’s office. It was to a small café on the opposite side of the city from her apartment. They obtained the security footage after Gustus had a chat with the hard-headed café manager, and watched their victim’s movements. She simply walked in, sat in a booth, ordered a coffee, took three sips, paid, and left. She was there for barely five minutes. Shortly after she left, a man in a suit sat in the same booth with the exact same routine, only he left with something in his hand. 

After some digging, they tracked down their mystery man. Turns out, he worked with the FDA and was working with Monroe to get information on Tsing. Apparently, Clarke’s intel held more weight than Lexa had initially thought. After an interview with John Murphy, the FDA official, Lexa learned that he had been having Monroe wear a wire to her appointments for months and she would deliver them after every appointment. 

Since the victim’s apartment building didn’t have any security cameras, but Gustus decided to take a shot and pull the ones from across the street, and they got lucky. Shortly before the estimated time of death, Dr. Tsing was spotted parking her car and entering Zoe Monroe’s apartment building and walking back out fifteen minutes later. 

The two detectives parked in the front of the hospital and not needing to ask where to go, went straight for Dr. Tsing’s office. Gustus opened the door to her office, not even bothering to knock, and pulled his handcuffs out of his pocket. Lexa decided to hang back and let Gustus take the collar on this one. After all, he found the piece of damning evidence. They still needed to get a confession, but it wasn’t going to be difficult with the evidence they had. Lexa followed behind with the other two officers as Gustus read Dr. Tsing her rights and escorted her back to the car. They were drawing attention from everyone they passed and there was already a small crowd forming around the two police cars. Once they approached the car, Lexa spotted a security guard heading their way and looked back to her partner.

“Get her in the back and start the car. I’ll take care of this.” Her partner nodded in return as he helped the doctor into the backseat. Lexa made her way over to the guard, showed him her badge and explained what was going on. He understood and was compliant, not that he really had a choice.  
Just when Lexa was about to head back to the car, she spotted a familiar face over the security guard’s shoulder. She excused herself and headed toward her. 

“I see word spreads fast around here.” Lexa said with a soft smile. 

“Not everything on Grey’s Anatomy is fictional. The gossiping part is actually pretty accurate.” She replied with a laugh as Lexa joined her. “So she actually did it? She killed her own patient.”

“Seems that way. Turns out her patient Monroe was trying to get more out of Tsing than just treatments. Thanks for your intel by the way. If we didn’t know about those rumors, we might not have looked in that direction.”

“Well, anything to help out an old friend.” Even after four years, the sting of hearing that word from Clarke’s lips hadn’t gone away. It hadn’t even dulled. She had to get away before it got any worse. Ever since they ran into each other a couple days before, when Lexa wasn’t thinking about the case, she was thinking about Clarke, and even when she was focused on the case, Clarke still made her presence known in her mind. She couldn’t get her out of her head. She had to get out of there and get herself back on track asap. 

“I've gotta go. We’ve got to get a signed confession and get everything booked and squared away for the DA’s office.” Lexa said, excusing herself while pointing to her car behind her. 

“Yeah, of course.” Clarke replied, her eyes looking sadly at the pavement. Lexa turned and walked somewhat briskly toward her waiting partner. She got about halfway before her heart skipped a beat again. 

“Lex, wait!” Lexa turned back around to find Clarke half-jogging to catch up to her. “Are you going to be busy later?”

“I’ll most likely be doing paperwork for a while, why?” She had a feeling what was coming next and Lexa couldn’t tell if she was dreading it or waiting on the edge of her proverbial seat. 

“I was hoping we could get drinks later? Maybe dinner? It’s been a long time and I’d really like to catch up with you.” Lexa could see the hopeful look in Clarke’s blue eyes and remembered the silent promise she made to her that she would never bring anything but happiness to those eyes. 

“I’m not sure exactly how long it will take but I could be done by seven?”

“That would be perfect. I get off at six so we can meet at 7:30. I’ll find a good place and text you where to meet.”

“Great. Here I can give you my number again and just text-”

“You really think I’d ever delete your number?” Clarke said with a sly, almost coy, smile. “I’ll take care of everything, don’t worry. You should probably go though. I think your partner is getting a little impatient.” Clarke took a couple steps back as Lexa heard a car horn from behind her. “I’ll see you later, Lex,” she finished, still smiling as she turned and went back through the hospital doors.

Lexa had no idea what she had just gotten herself into and had no idea how she should feel about it. The only thing she did know, was that she was digging herself back into the hole she had spent the past four years filling back up, and part of her was terrified she wouldn’t be able to climb out this time.

……………

Back at the precinct, Dr. Tsing had confessed to everything including the non-approved experimental treatments. She claimed that killing Zoe was her way of saving the rest of her patients because of her potentially preventing Tsing from finishing her work. Lexa and Gustus eventually settled into their desks to finish their paperwork and their reports to finally wrap up their case. 

Gustus had gotten up to go to the breakroom and returned with two mugs that smelt of coffee. He handed on to Lexa and she thanked him, sipping it gratefully. 

“So I’ve been wondering who that blonde at the hospital was.”

“Gus, I have no idea who you’re talking about. There were probably fifty blondes in the crowd that showed up.”

“Yeah, but you only spent fifteen minutes talking to one of them.” He said with a smirk as he Lexa looked back to her screen to hide her burning cheeks. “Is she a disgruntled former lover?” he asked, emphasizing his sarcasm.

“No,” was all Lexa gave him. Gustus kept staring and when she met his gaze, he raised his eyebrows questioningly. Lexa sighed.  
“You remember that one girl I told you about?”

“The one you went to school with and used to live with when you moved to Chicago?” Lexa nodded, but said nothing, waiting for her partner to put the pieces together. She watched as his eyes opened wide in revelation. “That was her?” Lexa nodded again. “Damn, nice catch Woods.”

“That’s the point, Gus. We’re not together. That’s the first time I’ve seen her since I moved.”

“Then what was all that about?”

“She wants me to meet her for dinner tonight. Everything inside me is screaming at me to cancel but I can’t bring myself to do it.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s Clarke. A lot of things have changed over the years but as soon as I saw her it was like everything snapped back into place like a rubber band. I don’t want to go because I know that all those god damn squishy feelings are gonna come flooding back the second I sit down with her. On top of all of that, I don’t know what she expects this to be. We never talked about what happened and now she’s engaged. I just- ugh.”  
Gustus put his mug down and sat in the chair adjacent to Lexa’s desk.

“Look, I can’t tell you what to say or what to feel but I’ve known you for a while now and I know you’re a damn good detective. I wouldn’t normally tell someone to take their work home with them but just use your skills and assess the situation. Take it slow and just read the signs, her body language, that stuff. You’ll be fine, Woods. Just relax. She wouldn’t have asked if she didn’t want to see you.”

“Thanks, Gus.” Lexa told herself she would try to use her skills to figure what was going on, but she knew she wouldn’t be able. Her mind went blank whenever Clarke was around. 

“What time are you supposed to meet her?”

“7:30, I think.”

“Get outta, here then.” Gustus said as her grabbed Lexa’s jacket. 

“I’m not done, Gus!”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of the rest of it. It’s 7:20, you’re late. Go!”

“Shit!” Lexa nearly yelled. “Thanks, Gus!” She threw on her jacket and ran to the elevators. 

 

……………….

 

Lexa opted to take a cab, hoping it would get her there faster than running to the train station. She had gotten a text from Clarke about an hour after she left the hospital. The restaurant wasn’t too far from the station, but she was still probably going to be late. Luckily, they only hit one bout of traffic and she got to the restaurant in twenty minutes. 

She paid the cab driver and rushed to the door. She was greeted by the host and told him she was meeting someone here. She gave him Clarke’s name and he pointed to the bar where she was waiting for her. 

Clarke was not difficult to spot at all. She was wearing a skin-tight salmon dress that draped over one shoulder and ended mid-thigh. Her golden waves flowed over her shoulders as flawlessly as they always did. Lexa looked at the people around her. She hadn’t noticed how fancy this place was and immediately began to feel significantly underdressed. She was wearing her black leather boots, dark red pants, a black v-neck, and her reddish-brown leather jacket. Her hair was pulled back in a braid and she was pretty sure it looked like crap. She was already late and it wasn’t a date so she shrugged it all off and walked up to the bar. 

“Hey, Clarke,” Lexa spoke as she put her hand on Clarke’s back-ignoring how her hand burn at the touch- “I’m sorry I’m late, the paperwork and stuff took a little longer than I hoped.”

“Hey!,” Clarke turned greeted Clarke. It looked like she was going to hug her but decided against it at the last minute. “Don’t worry about it. I called earlier but apparently, they don’t’ take reservations so we have to wait a bit anyway.” She turned to the bartender. “Can I have a whisky soda and another red wine please.” Lexa wasn’t surprised Clarke still remembered her drink but her face must have said differently. “It hasn’t been that long, Lex. I still remember what you drink and I still have your phone number.” She smirked. 

“I’m sorry about that by the way. I shouldn’t have-”

“I’m teasing. Don’t worry about it. It was reasonable to think that.” Clarke touched her forearm and Lexa’s body went hot and cold at the same time. Lexa also couldn’t help but notice that the hand touching her forearm was missing something. Clarke wasn’t wearing her engagement ring. A myriad of theories went flying through her head as she further complicated her own thoughts on what this ‘dinner’ was. The bartender thankfully returned with their drinks and Lexa took a sip- it was more like a couple gulps. She was nervous and she needed it. 

“So, it didn’t take you long to get to detective, did it?” Clarke said setting her glass down and turning back to Lexa. 

“I spent six months with academy stuff, then three years as a uni, then six months ago I took the detective’s exam, got the highest score in my class, and got transferred to homicide.”

“Well done. I’m not surprised, though. I knew you’d get there.” It had been a long time since they’d talked but Lexa felt like things were already reverting to how they were before the whole ‘doomsday’ thing happened. 

“Well, I’m not surprised you made it out of med school unscathed, either.”

“I may have made it out, but I was definitely not unscathed,” Clarke laughed.

“I have to ask though, why oncology?”

“How did you know I was going into oncology?” Clarke asked, eyebrows furrowed, slightly confused. 

“Well, you know, I used my keen detective skills and I read the sign that said ‘Oncology Wing’ near where I bumped into you the other day.” She replied trying to hold back the laughter at her own joke. Clarke made no attempt to stop herself and let out a laugh as she tilted her head back slightly, releasing the melodic sound that Lexa thought she would never hear again. 

“Well, then yes, your detective skills are very keen then. Congratulations,” she added with another chuckle. 

“Really though, why oncology? I mean I know someone has to do it, but isn’t it a little depressing? Telling someone who trusts you that they’re going to die?” Clarke took a moment before she answered. 

“You,” she said, looking up at Lexa. 

“Me?” she clarified, officially puzzled.

“When it was time to decide what wanted to specialize in, I had to go back and think about why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place. I remembered thinking about how interconnected society is and how much one person can affect another or several other people. Then I remembered when your mom died.” She paused. “I remembered how broken you were. I remembered how you hugged me like you were clinging for dear life. I remembered everything you went through the following years and how much the pain of missing your mother changed you. I wanted to at least try to make sure that no one has to go through what you did. I mean I know that cancer isn’t the only thing that kills people but I know that watching your mother go through her treatments affected you as much as, if not more than losing her.”

Lexa could feel her eyes welling up with tears as she listened to Clarke explain. Lexa was a private person. She never talked about anything remotely emotional with anyone, not even Anya. Clarke and Octavia had to practically pry her open-with whisky- to get her to talk about her mother. They couldn’t watch it eat her up anymore. Lexa hated feeling vulnerable and weak and she refused to let anyone see her that way. She built up her walls and never let anyone close enough to tear them down. Except Clarke. Clarke was the one person that didn’t make her feel vulnerable or weak. Clarke made her feel like she was needed, like she was important. She made Lexa feel content with just being Lexa instead of some war-paint clad warrior who needed to keep her walls up ten feet high to make it through the shit storm that is life. Clarke was the person that made her feel human. That was how she fell so hopelessly in love with her.  
She caught a tear below her eye before it fell any further. She couldn’t let herself ruin this again. Things were looking up in their friendship and she had to change to the subject before she changed her mind.

“So, how’s Bellamy?” Lexa wanted to slap herself. Of all things to change the subject to, she picked that one. Good job.

“Uh, he’s ok, I guess. I uhm- yeah,” she strained.

“You seem happy.” ‘Lexa. Shut. Up,’ she thought. The words were just flying out now. 

“Uhhm…” Clarke laughed nervously at the awkward conversation. “Yeah I was, I guess.” She paused again. “Until about two days ago, anyway.”

“Ladies? Your table is ready. If you’ll follow me please.”

Both Lexa and Clarke sighed in relief that that was over and hopefully didn’t happen again. They stood up and Lexa held out her hand to motion for Clarke to go first as she followed behind her, silently trying to figure out what could have happened two days ago. 

 

……………………………

 

Lexa held the door open for Clarke as they left the restaurant after dinner. 

“Thank you. Did you take the train?” Clarke asked. 

“Yeah, I did. Did you?”

“No, I drove. Would you mind walking me to walking me to my car? I had to park a couple blocks away and I don’t really feel like walking alone at night.”

“Yeah, of course.” Lexa answered without hesitation. 

They walked down the street in comfortable silence. The walk was much longer than Lexa anticipated, not that she minded. She was with Clarke after all. After about twenty minutes, Clarke pulled out her phone and turned around, walking backwards. 

“I love this city at night. The lights, the skyline, it’s all perfect.” As she held her phone up just above eye level, Lexa could see a shadow coming up behind her fast. Just before the cyclist was about to run her over, Lexa grabbed Clarke’s waist and pulled her into her chest. Clarke let out a squeal as Lexa pulled and had to take a second to catch her breath. Lexa watched the cyclist ride down the sidewalk as Clarke clung to her arm.

“You ok?” she asked. 

“Yeah, I think so. I didn’t even see him. Thank you,” Clarke said, not making any effort to move away, and Lexa didn’t either. Even when Lexa started walking forward again, Clarke was still holding on to her arm, and Lexa had no objections. She knew she shouldn’t be encouraging any of this, for her own heart’s sake, but it felt nicer than anything had in a long while so she let herself enjoy it for a bit. 

They continued to walk like that for about another five minutes. 

“This is me,” Clarke said, breaking the silence. 

“I don’t see your car.”

“I may or may not have lied a bit,” Clarke added, biting her lip, smiling at the puzzled expression on Lexa’s face. “I actually walked from my apartment, which is right there,” she pointed up the steps next to them to a red door. 

“Oh I see how it is,” Lexa smiled, “Well, I’ve walked you this far I might as well finish it.” Lexa took the first step and then took the remaining three in one bound, and a smiling Clarke followed behind. 

Clarke began to fish in her purse for her keys while Lexa waited beside her, hands in her pockets. Clarke got her keys and took them up but didn’t turn towards the door. Lexa looked up slightly to find her staring pensively at the keys in her hands. 

“Would you, maybe, want to come up? Nightcap, talk, or whatever?” she asked without looking up. Lexa had been telling herself all night not to get her hopes up, but everything Clarke was saying and doing was the exact opposite. She promised herself four years ago that she’d never be that vulnerable again. She refused to feel that pain.

“I uh- I should probably get home. I have to be into work early tomorrow,” Lexa lied.  
“Right, yeah of course.” Clarke still hadn’t looked up from her keys. Lexa could hear the change in her tone, and vainly attempted to convince herself that it wasn’t disappointment. Instead she turned back toward the stairs. 

“It was really nice to see you, Clarke,” Lexa said, looking back to her, and took another step down the stairs. However, in the half second that it took for her to go down that step, she had an entire line of thought pass through her mind.  
She never once regretted telling Clarke how she felt. Yes, it damaged their friendship, but tonight was proof that it wasn’t irrevocable. She needed to know. She need to be sure. She turned on her heel and went back up the first step, stopping as far behind Clarke as the stoop would allow. 

“What was this?” Clarke turned around, blue meeting green for the first time in several minutes. 

“What?” 

“Tonight, what was this? We coincidently bump into each other after four years of not seeing each other and barely talking, and you ask me to get dinner with you. You’ve been borderline flirting with me all night and you’re engaged for crying out loud. So what the hell was this? I need you to clarify because it’s been bothering the shit out of me ever since I left the hospital!”

“I’m not engaged.” Lexa eyes got instinctively wider. 

“What happened?” Lexa could see tears forming in Clarke’s eyes. 

“You happened.” Her heart stopped, and Lexa swallowed hard, trying to rid her airway of the giant lump in her throat that was only growing. “When you left, I was heartbroken. I woke up that morning with tears on my face knowing that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I was too much of a fucking coward to not let myself love you even though I knew I did. I went to your room and you were gone. I’ve never felt so alone as I did then. I worked so hard to be happy and I thought I was with Bellamy. Then you came along, again, and suddenly my faux happiness wasn’t enough anymore. I went home two days ago, sat in my bathroom and cried while I read your letter again, and when Bellamy came home I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I gave him the ring back and he left.” The tears were falling freely down her face and her voice was beginning to break. “I kept that letter because deep down I knew that that was all I wanted, but also a punishment because I let you go when I should have held you as close as I could.”

Lexa forced herself to take even breaths between tears. For years, this was all she’d wanted, more than anything. Now, she was finally hearing it and she didn’t know what to feel. She spent nearly three years hiding her love from Clarke and the following four hiding it from herself. Once again, the question facing Lexa wasn’t whether or not she loved Clarke, it was whether or not she could let herself feel that way again. She knew her love for Clarke had never gone away and it still hurt in the worst way, but also in the best way. 

“Clarke, I-” Lexa took a deep breath. “I’ve spent the past four years trying to get over you, and for a while I thought I had. I- I need some time.”  
“Right. That’s fair. I’m sorry, Lex. I didn’t mean to-”

“Don’t apologize. Ever.” Lexa was staring into Clarke’s blue eyes and had to force herself to walk down the steps. She heard Clarke turn around and fumble with her keys as she sniffled. She stopped herself at the end of the stairs. What was she doing? Was she really willing to risk her heart, not to mention her sanity? Clarke was worth everything. Clarke _was_ everything and she was an idiot to think otherwise. 

“Fuck it,” she whispered, as she turned yet again, much faster this time, and took the steps in two. Clarke’s back was to her and she was trying to unlock her door. Lexa came up behind her, grabbed her hips as she turned her around, and didn’t think twice as she slammed Clarke against the door and claimed her lips.  
The kiss was everything Lexa ever wanted it to be. Clarke’s lips were the softest things she had ever touched and they fit hers like they were made to. She felt Clarke melt into her and her hands on her neck and in her hair. Lexa slid one of her own hands up Clarke’s side to her face. Clarke’s tongue traced Lexa’s top lip and she thought she was going to die then and there. The kiss was getting heated as hands and tongues went wild. Thankfully, Clarke had gotten the door unlocked before Lexa interrupted her and they made it through down the front hallway to Clarke’s door not having separated more than they had to. Clarke broke away for just a second as she handed her keys to Lexa. 

“Here,” she said breathlessly as she reconnected their lips. Lexa tried to unlock her door. Struggling, she broke the kiss to fit the key in. Clarke on the other hand, didn’t stop. Her lips were leaving open-mouthed kisses down Lexa’s neck, setting it on fire. Lexa just wanted her to keep going. 

She got the door unlocked and Clarke used her back to push it open, pulling Lexa by her leather jacket roughly back to her eager lips. Lexa smoothly kicked the door closed behind them as her hands went back to Clarke’s face. Clarke was pushing her jacket off her shoulders refusing to disconnect their lips. Once her jacket was off, Clarke threw it on the floor and pushed Lexa against the door and used her hips to pin her there. Lexa let out a soft moan as Clarke pressed her hips against hers. Clarke’s hands were running under her shirt, just above her waistline. Lexa’s head was swimming. Clarke was perfect. Fuck trying to hide it. She loved this girl more than anything and everything. Now that she had a taste of what this could be, she swore she was never letting her go again. She also didn’t want to rush it. This was the single most important thing in her life and she was determined to treat it that way. 

“Hold on,” she said as she broke away from Clarke, despite her lips’ instant wanting to continue. 

“What it is? Did I do something wrong?” Clarke asked, fearfully. 

“No, you are perfect,” Lexa declared, tucking a stray hair behind Clarke’s ear. “I just don’t want to rush this. It means too much.” A smile crept on her lips as Clarke looked at Lexa.

“It means too much,” Clarke whispered as she touched her forehead to Lexa’s. The couple stayed like that for a while, just holding each other closely. 

“Will you go on a date with me?” Lexa asked, eyes closed. 

“Didn’t we just get back from one?”

“I mean one where we both actually know that it’s a date,” Lexa laughed. She felt lips on her cheek and she knew she had her answer. 

“I will if you stay.” Lexa opened her eyes and saw eyes that somehow matched the ocean and the sky at the same time. She nodded as she gently kissed Clarke again, giving Clarke her own silent answer. Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck and buried her head in her neck. Lexa could feel her breath on her skin and sent goosebumps up her neck and down her arms. She wrapped her arms around the blonde’s waist and held her.

“I don’t think I ever said it, did I?” she felt Clarke say.

“Said what?”

“I love you.” 

In that moment, Lexa knew that nothing was ever going to be the same, as cliché as that sounded. Her heart was no longer hers. It never was. It belonged to the girl in her arms. She wasn’t living for herself; she was living for Clarke. She was in love and finally loved in return. She was the happiest she had been in twenty-six years. She kissed Clarke’s hair and held her a little tighter. 

“I love you too, Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was thinking of making the next chapter, this chapter, but from Clarke's perspective.... Thought it'd be fun! Let me know what you think! :)


	10. And The Rain Washed Everything Away (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So sorry this chapter is so late! Blame it on school and an insane case of writer's block. Nevertheless I apologize! So this chapter isn't the entirety of Clarke's perspective on the last chapter but I found a good place to hop it in half so I could get you guys an update and the next chapter will have the rest. :) Don't hate me!:) Anyhoo, thank you as always for comments, kudos, and even just for reading! It always make me happy when I see people actually like it! Have a good day!

Clarke put her toothbrush away as she stood up straight, avoiding the sleepy eyes staring back at her in the mirror. After applying her minimal amount of make-up- she wanted to look presentable for her patients but didn’t see the need for full on makeup for a hospital- she took two small bunches of hair on either side, twisted them a couple times, and pinned them in the back. She liked wearing her hair like that because she could keep it down and it would stay out of her face. She took one last look in the mirror and left the bathroom for the kitchen. Clarke had picked up a day shift and knew she was going to need at least three cups of coffee before she was able to function normally. She was used to working nights as the on-call resident on the oncology unit but she worked a day shift every once in a while for a little extra cash. 

She brewed a large coffee, added cinnamon coffee cream, her favorite, and poured it into her travel mug. She set the mug along with her jacket by on the chair by the door as she walked back into the bedroom. There she found Bellamy lying on his stomach asleep in her bed, sheets in disarray and just barely covering his hips. She walked to his side of the bed and planted a kiss on the back of his shoulder.

“I’m going to work, babe.” Bellamy grunted in response as her raised his head slightly, eyes still closed and lips puckered. Clarke bent down a little more and pecked his lips. “Bye,” she added as she walked toward the door, receiving yet another sleepy grunt from her fiancé. Clarke had been with Bellamy for almost two years and they had been engaged for six months. She wasn’t in the best place when Bellamy came back into her life but he had a way of making her feel better. She felt happy. Bell was wonderful, he loved her, she loved him, and having Octavia as a future sister-in-law was a big plus, even if she insisted on planning an outrageous bachelorette party. 

Clarke picked up her jacket, put it on over her dark blue scrubs, grabbed her coffee, and headed out the door, locking it behind her. 

 

Clarke got to work around 9:30AM. Technically her shift was 11AM-7PM but she wanted to get there early to check one of her regular patients. She scanned her badge and walked into the locker room, saying hello to some of her fellow residents. She was friendly with them, but didn’t really view them as anything more than colleagues. As she put her stuff inside her locker and put on her white coat and her stethoscope, she could hear some of the other residents’ conversation. 

“Hey did you guys see the police car at the entrance downstairs?”

“Yeah, it wasn’t a marked car, but I saw it pull up with its lights on and park right by the front door. I wonder what’s going on.”

“It was probably just someone getting to rowdy in the EC and security needed some help.”

“It’s too early for that shit,” another resident remarked as they all left the room together.

Clarke couldn’t help but wonder herself what was going on in the hospital that actually required a police presence. It could’ve just been an officer visiting a family member, too. She had always had a curious mind, and she usually let her curiosity get the better of her; especially when the police was involved. Her mind naturally drifted to the only woman in blue she knew- if they knew her, if she knew them, what cases she was working on, _how she was…_

Clarke made her way to the nurse’s station and asked for her patient’s chart, letting them know she was going to stop in to see how she was doing. Her patients name was Gabrielle Baker. Clarke knew she wasn’t supposed to have favorite patients, but she couldn’t help being drawn to Gabby and her family. She was a thirty year old high school teacher and was diagnosed with breast cancer ten months ago. Gabby’s case wasn’t great when she first presented with symptoms but she was responding well to her chemotherapy treatments and was on the road to remission. She was admitted to the hospital two days ago because of low WBC and platelet counts but was set to be discharged the next day. 

Clarke knocked on the door before entering. When she pulled back the inside curtain, she found her patient sitting up in her bed eating breakfast. Her wife, Adrianna, was sitting on the edge of her bed reading something on her phone. Upon seeing Clarke, Adrianna got up and walked over to give her a hug. 

“Hey, Dr. Griffin,” Gabrielle greeted. 

“How is the Baker family this morning?” Clarke asked smiling at her patient as Adrianna returned to her original spot. 

“Pretty well. Adrianna has the day off today so she came here to hang out with me today after she dropped Lauren off at preschool.”

“Good. I’m sure you guys needed a day to yourselves, even if you have to spend it here. Speaking of, how are we feeling this morning? Any pain, nausea, fatigue?”

“Nope. I’ve been feeling really good since yesterday morning. Any idea of when I can get out of here?” Gabby asked, taking her wife’s hand in hers.

“I’ll have your nurse hang some more fluids and if you’re still feeling well and your vitals keep steady, I’m gonna try my best to get you guys out of here in time to pick up Lauren."

The two smiled and thanked Clarke and the three chatted for a bit before Clarke had to go and start her shift.  
She bid them goodbye and exited the room and walked down the hall. She preferred to start her day on a good note to set the tone for the rest of her shift and so far she had. Whenever she had patients that were happy and responding well to treatments, she felt like she was fulfilling her purpose in life, as cliché as that sounded. It made her feel useful.  
As she turned the corner, just before she reached the nurse’s station, she caught a glimpse of something she hadn’t physically seen in the longest time and yet was able to recognize it instantly. Even if it was braided she never could fully tame that wild mane. She was walking away from her and Clarke could have easily let her go without saying anything, but her mouth had a different plan. 

“Lexa?” she spoke into the suddenly stilled air. The woman in front of her stopped but made no effort to turn toward her. “Is that you?” She suddenly felt the need to verify her identity due to the lack of movement. Then, she slowly started to turn. It was almost as if she was being forced at gunpoint. Once she was facing her, Lexa’s eyes went straight for Clarke’s like they were a lighthouse beam in the blackness of night. As their eyes met, Clarke was reminded just how green Lexa’s eyes were. Four years was a long time and even though Lexa had frequently crossed her mind, no attempt at reimagining them could ever hope of doing them justice. Clarke was sure that not even the greens of the rainforests or the fields in Ireland could compare to her distinct shade. A calmness came over her and her body felt light as if she would drift away with the slightest breeze. 

“Hey, stranger.” Clarke knew that this situation could register as slightly tense so she tried to alleviate some of it with informal niceties. 

“Hey.” That’s all she said, and yet that one-word response told Clarke a lot. It told her that Lexa was nervous because the more nervous she got the shorter her sentences became. She’d always been like that. Lexa being nervous made Clarke feel a little better being nervous herself, but it also told Clarke that Lexa had never fully healed from the events from four years ago. Now that this was happening, Clarke was beginning to think she hadn’t either. 

“Long time no see,” she continued to attempt to lighten the air. Might as well take a crack at small talk. “What are you doing here?”

“Work.” Again with the short responses.

“Work?” she asked, hoping for something resembling an actual response. 

“I had to interview one of the doctors here for a case I’m working.” Clarke’s mind immediately went back to about six months ago when she, Raven, and Octavia, all went out for drinks to celebrate Clarke’s freshly new engagement to Bellamy. A few drinks in, Raven had mentioned inviting Lexa to come with them but she said she couldn’t because she was working her first homicide case and she had to solve it to prove her worth. Clarke couldn’t help but feel like that was just an excuse to avoid seeing her. Clarke asked Raven and Octavia about Lexa pretty frequently in the beginning, though she refused to tell them why they didn’t talk anymore, but eventually they insisted that if she wanted to know she should talk to Lexa. As much as she wanted to reach out she knew it wouldn’t lead to anything. 

“Yeah, Raven told me you were a detective now.”

“Yeah, homicide.” Clarke was going to say she knew that too but stopped herself from sounding like a stalker. 

“Homicide? Whoa, that’s intense. Is your victim a doctor here?” 

“No, a patient. I had an interview with her physician, Dr. Tsing. What are you doing here?” Clarke couldn’t help but laugh a bit as she noticed Lexa’s cheeks turning to a soft red hue.

“Well, I’m being paid to be here.” A stray strand of hair fell in her face as she laughed and she went to move it away and she saw Lexa’s eyes dart to the ring tight around her finger. She knew that Lexa knew she was engaged, but for some reason her seeing the ring felt like she was twisting the knife she left in Lexa’s chest. She needed to change the subject, quickly.

“So, do you-”

“I should probably get going. I’ve got some work to do back at the station.” Lexa interrupted and Clarke silently cursed herself for flaunting her ring, even if it wasn’t intentional. She knew it struck a bad chord with Lexa, with good reason. Clarke still couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed that their all to brief conversation was ending. 

“Yeah, of course.”

“I guess I’ll see you around then.” She knew that was just pleasantry. 

“Yeah… it was really nice to see you, Lex.” The nickname completely slipped but luckily Lexa had turned around before she blushed. 

As Lexa was walking back toward the wing’s main hall, something clicked in Clarke’s brain. 

“Wait! Lexa!” she called as she followed after her. “You said you saw Dr. Tsing right?”

Clarke continued to tell her about Dr. Tsing’s not-exactly-ethical treatments. She had done one of her clinical rotations with Dr. Tsing while she was in med school and she saw some paperwork from patients undergoing treatments she had never heard of before. She’d also heard some of her residents talking about it in the locker room just a few weeks ago. 

Lexa left after that. Clarke didn’t want her to go. She had gone four years without her best friend and she hadn’t realized how much it had really affected her until she came back.  
She walked back to the nurse’s station to return Gabby Baker’s file. She told the nurse to get another set of vital signs from Gabby and let her know if they were normal so she could have her discharged. She walked away down the back hallway and as she turned the corner to the break room, Lexa came back into her mind. Clarke stopped and leaned back against the wall beside her, letting her head fall back and her eyes close.

The night Lexa left, Clarke couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said to her. She replayed her saying ‘I love you’ more than she could count. She had read it several times but actually hearing Lexa say it to her was completely different. It felt different. In the months just after she left, Clarke often thought about what her life with Lexa could have been. Lexa making her coffee every morning, kissing her goodbye and hello when she got back, late nights watching TV on their couch and her falling asleep with Lexa’s warm arms around her. She imagined it would be similar to how it was before, just with more small, intimate moments. Those were the moments she wanted.

Clarke continued the rest of her day seeing her patients and helping out wherever she was needed. She kept herself as busy as she could because as soon as she stopped, her mind would drift back to that morning, and when she was finally on her way home her prediction was proved accurate.

As she sat on the train, soothingly rocking side to side with the rhythm, of the rails, her mind drifted back to _that_ morning. She was sitting alone on the bed hugging Lexa’s pillow trying to refusing to believe she was really gone. She read the sticky-note over and over again before she threw the envelope across the room like it was taunting her. She felt hot tears stream down her cheeks but she didn’t care to try and stop them. Lexa was gone and it felt like someone had sucked all of the oxygen from the room. Her lungs were burning for air but she refused to allow them what they wanted. She had felt numb since she sat down and she needed to feel _something_. She took out her phone and called the first person on her ‘Recents’ list. She heard her voice telling her to leave a message and more tears fell. She hung up and called again. She repeated the process about a dozen more times until she finally conceded and left a tearful message begging her to call back. She waited but her phone never rang. She fell to her side, the scent of Lexa’s pillow flooding her nose and lulling her to sleep.

Clarke felt the train stopping as she was jolted from her trance. Luckily she had come to just in time and got off at her stop. She walked the last block to her apartment in silent thought. She unlocked the door to her apartment and immediately headed to her bathroom to strip and shower. She felt the hot water soothe its way down her back as she ran her hands over her wet hair. She couldn’t get Lexa out of her head. She caught herself wishing the water droplets travelling down her back were Lexa’s hands and knew it was time to get out. 

Once she was dressed, she went into the kitchen and headed straight for the cabinet where the liquor was. After a day like today, she needed a drink and wine wasn’t going to cut it today. She poured herself a double whisky and her mind yet again wandered, this time to Lexa’s letter. Drink in hand, she went back to her closet. She opened the door and knelt down as she searched the bottom. Clarke uncovered a box in the deep right corner and pulled it out. She held it close as she stood and walked back into the bathroom. Bellamy would be home soon and this was the only room with a lock on the door. She sat with her back against the door, kicked back the rest of her drink, set the glass on the counter and opened the box. The first thing she saw was teal and grey sheets folded neatly on top of everything. She had kept Lexa’s sheets after the new roommate moved in. She felt a little weird about it but she didn’t have the heart to get rid of them and she sure as hell wasn’t about to let a practical stranger use them. Clarke paused as she took the sheets out of the box. She brought them to her face and breathed deeply through her nose. It had always been one of her favorite smells: flowers and trees. Clarke was always baffled that Lexa managed to smell like her last name. It was like it was in her DNA. 

She set the sheets aside and picked up the picture frame that was also in the box. She had trouble looking at the picture of the two of them in the early years in their friendship without it being a reminder of everything that she lost so she was forced to keep it in the box. Her fingers brushed over the words in the corner as she remembered Lexa write them the second time. 

Clarke looked back into the box where she saw the only thing remaining: the letter. She knew it was passé to think that this letter had changed her life, but it had. It had made her realize things she had never known before, made her wish for things she never knew she wanted, showed her a life that she could have had. It made her lose everything she never wanted to let go. 

She grabbed the paper and gently unfolded it. Her eyes swept across the paper as she read the words she had read a hundred times before. Even though it had been quite some time since she read it last and she had rarely even thought of Lexa until that morning, every word was still burned in her memory. She couldn’t help but spot the small water stains scattered over the papers from the many previous closed reading sessions. No matter how many times she read it the guilty feeling never really went away.  
As if on cue, she heard Bellamy’s key in the lock and her mind snapped back to the present. She knew she had a decision to make. It wasn’t fair to Bellamy to lie to him and pretend like she wasn’t thinking about being with someone else, when in reality she had been thinking about Lexa all day, and the fact that one interaction with Lexa actually had her considering breaking off her engagement scared her. It made her question the entirety of her life in the last four years. It made her question whether she was really happy or was it just her brain compensating for everything she lost. She didn’t even know if Lexa still felt that way anymore. Clarke wouldn’t even blame her if she hated her for what she did to her. Clarke hated herself for it, why shouldn’t she? 

Clarke’s head was reeling. It was like the last four years she had been covering her feelings with everything she could find; burying them so they’d never see the light of day again. But that morning, seeing her again, it was like the rain after a four-year drought and it washed everything away. She missed her chance all those years ago and she wasn’t about to miss it again. Lexa had risked everything to give Clarke her heart, and Clarke broke it. Now it was her turn and she prayed that Lexa would be kinder than she was.  
She walked out of the bathroom with her red, puffy eyes and found Bellamy in the living room setting up the takeout on the coffee table. 

“Bellamy?” she squeaked. 

“Hey babe. I got you those special spring rolls you like from the Chinese place downtown. I figured I-” he stopped when he saw Clarke’s tear ridden face. “What’s wrong?” he asked as he walked toward her.

“We need to talk.”


	11. And The Rain Washed Everything Away (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again my beautiful Clexa Shippers!! I'm hoping to brighten your Wednesday morning with another update! I hope everyone's week is going well so far and I hope you enjoy the chapter! Thanks, as always, for comments, kudos, and just for reading! It makes me so happy! Have a great day! :)

Clarke stared at the computer screen in front of her, finishing her charting notes in regards to the patient she just saw. She had admitted a man earlier in the day that was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer four months ago, and it was unlikely that he would survive the week. This was the part of her job that she hated. As much as she loved helping people and saving lives, it was the ones that she couldn’t help that weighed on her the most. Sometimes there was nothing she could do and that was difficult to accept. It was just the natural brutality of the disease. 

As she sat typing, her eyes kept drifting to her left hand. She had gotten so used to wearing her engagement ring that now she felt naked without it. It had been two days since she had taken it off. Bellamy was upset, as he had every right to be, but he also strangely understood. 

_“Why are you doing this?” he asked as Clarke handed the ring out to him._

_“I did something a long time ago that I’ve regretted ever since. It’s not fair to you if we go into the rest of our lives together with me still wondering what would have happened if I fixed it, and I’ve decided that I owe it to myself to find out.”_

_“You can’t stay with me and figure it out? What is it? Maybe I can help you,” he pleaded._

_“I can’t. If I actually manage to fix it, the future, my future, will be different than it is now.”_

_“I see,” he said, defeat on his face. “It’s someone else.”_

_“Bell, I-”_

_“No, it’s ok.” He took a few steps forward until he was right in front of Clarke, and it wasn’t until then that she could see the tears in his eyes. “Look, I love you. Do I wish that I was the one who made you happy? Yeah, but if I’m not, and you know who is, then you need to go. I want you to be happy, Clarke.” He gently kissed her forehead as Clarke closed her eyes and when she opened them, he was gone._

“Dr. Griffin?” Clarke turned her head to find a nurse standing next to her, pulling her from her memory. 

“What can I do for you, Jackie?”

“I was just making sure that you ordered fluids for the patient in 5943, so I could hang them ASAP.”

“I just did so they should be in the system by now. Thank you for double checking with me.”

“Yeah of course.” The nurse answered as she sat at the computer station next to her. “Have you worked with Dr. Tsing at all?”

“I did briefly in med school, why?”

“Another nurse told me that a bunch of police officers came and arrested her just a few minutes ago. It was crazy!” Clarke’s mind immediately went to Lexa. It was her case, she had to be there. She had been thinking nonstop on how she would run into her again and this was her chance. 

“Are they still here?”

“I’m not sure. Apparently, it wasn’t long ago so maybe they’re still downstairs?”

“Thank you, Jackie. If Dr. Byers asks for me just tell him, I’ll be back.” She didn’t wait for her to say anything back because she was already halfway to the elevators. She hurriedly pushed the call button and of course the elevator took forever to come up. Thankfully the ride was uninterrupted and she was on the main floor in just a few seconds. She made her way to the main entrance which, of course, was on the complete other side of the hospital. She walked as fast as she could without looking like a mad woman. 

When she finally made it to the entrance, there was a small crowd outside. She hadn’t missed them. She went outside and squeezed past a few people so she could find her. Lexa was talking to a security guard about thirty feet away from her and luck was definitely on her side that day because Lexa looked right at her. Clarke debated approaching her but she was clearly working and she wasn’t sure if she could. They were in the process of arresting someone after all. Before she could come to a decision, Lexa was already walking toward her.

“I see word spreads fast around here.” Lexa’s smile made Clarke weak at the knees. Had it always done that?

“Not everything on Grey’s Anatomy is fictional. The gossiping part is actually pretty accurate.” She had nevertheless heard about both of Lexa’s visits from various personnel. Clarke caught a glimpse of Dr. Tsing in the back of the Lexa’s police car. “So, she actually did it? She killed her own patient.”

“Seems that way. Turns out her patient, Monroe, was trying to get more out of her than just treatments. Thanks for your intel, by the way. If we didn’t know about those rumors, we might not have looked in that direction.” Clarke could feel her cheeks turning red. 

“Anything to help out an old friend.” _Friend._ She hated calling Lexa that. Even if she didn’t know how Clarke felt it still tasted bitter. 

“I gotta go. We’ve got to get a signed confession and get everything booked and squared away for the DA’s office.” Lexa had already started backing away and with each step Clarke felt worse. 

“Yeah, of course.” She felt disappointed. All she wanted was a real conversation with Lexa. Then she remembered why she had rushed all the way down there in the first place. “Lex, wait!” She caught up with her and she knew she had to spit it out before she chickened out. She _had_ to do this. “What are you doing later?”

“I’ll most likely be doing paperwork for a while, why?” Here goes everything.

“I was hoping we could get drinks later? Maybe dinner? It’s been a long time and I’d really like to catch up with you.” It wasn’t a lie, just a half-truth. She was afraid that if she came right out with the truth she would scare her away. 

“I’m not sure exactly how long it will take but I could be done by seven?” Clarke had to consciously prevent herself from smiling wider than she ever had. 

“That would be perfect. I get off at six so we can meet at 7:30. I’ll find a good place and text you where to meet me.” 

“Great. Here I can give you my number again and just-” 

“You really think I’d ever delete your number?” Clarke didn’t mean to make it sound flirtatious, but she thought deep down she did it totally on purpose. “I’ll take care of everything, don’t worry. You should probably go though. I think your partner is getting a little impatient. I’ll see you later, Lex.” The nickname was totally on purpose that time. Clarke slowly backed away, gave Lexa a smirk and turned and walked back into the hospital. 

……………………….

 

Clarke technically wasn’t supposed to leave the hospital until 7PM but after she left Lexa at the entrance she couldn’t stop thinking about seeing her again. She knew she couldn’t legitimately call it a date because there was zero romantic context and she said that it was just to catch up. Plus, if she still knew Lexa at all, she could most likely count on Lexa overanalyzing things trying to figure out what exactly Clarke was up to, even though this time she had reason to. Right now, Clarke, more than anything, wanted this to be a date but she had to be patient with herself and with Lexa. She had to accept that they hadn’t spoken in four years and maybe they had to become friends again before anything else could happen. 

She left the hospital at five and getting to her apartment a half hour later gave her an hour and a half to get ready. She wanted to look as hot as she could without it being too much for ‘catching up.’ She debated calling Raven but knew she would be forced to explain why and she wasn’t ready to tell her about Lexa, or Bellamy for that matter. This had the potential of going well but it also had the potential of being a disaster so Clarke chose to be cautious.  
It didn’t take long to find a restaurant not far from her apartment. It was actually within walking distance and it was on the fancier side so she’d have an excuse for looking nice. She called to try and make a reservation but they didn’t accept them so she just texted Lexa the address and went to shower. 

Clarke showered fairly quickly knowing that she needed the most time for hair, makeup, and choosing an outfit. While her hair was still in a towel, she perused her closet for an outfit. Finding the perfect cross of sexy and not sexy was difficult with her wardrobe, which, for the most part, was full of scrubs and hoodies. She ruffled through to the back and found the dress she bought with Octavia for a girls’ night out. It was a tight, salmon, one-shoulder dress- key word being ‘tight’ but Octavia said the color brought out her eyes. She didn’t see how it could since it was almost pink but she trusted her friend. She took the dress out and laid it out on the bed and went to dry her hair. She decided the safe option, since her dress was nice enough, was to just leave her hair like it was. She was always thankful that her hair was cooperative most of the time so usually just a quick blow dry and it was fine. She checked her phone for the time and it was only 6:30. She took her time with her make-up but when she was done it still wasn’t time to leave. 

Clarke triple checked her ensemble in the long mirror in the bedroom. Once she deemed it appropriate, and satisfied with how hot she looked, she walked out into the living area. She caught the time on the microwave clock and it was just before seven. Clarke decided that it was probably best she leave now in case there was a wait at the restaurant and if she stayed in her apartment with nothing to do she’d probably end up ruining her outfit in her usual clumsy way. 

 

Twenty minutes later, Clarke found herself being shown to the bar by the host. She gave him her name for a party of two and he estimated a thirty -minute wait. Not too bad. She was ten minutes early so now there was nothing to do but wait. She ordered a red wine from the bartender and drank more than half of it in one go. She was more nervous than she thought and the waiting wasn’t helping; she hoped the wine would. 

Ten minutes had passed and Lexa still hadn’t shown. She didn’t start worrying until about ten minutes after that. She checked her phone. Nothing. Lexa hadn’t even responded to her last text with the address. Was Lexa not coming? She didn’t seem unenthusiastic when she accepted Clarke’s dinner offer. That was a couple of hours ago… Had she changed her mind since then? Just when she was debating the pros and cons of texting Lexa, she felt a warm hand on her lower back that sent chills up her spine and back down through her arms. 

“Hey, Clarke.” God, why did her name sound a million times sexier coming out of Lexa’s mouth. She had said literally only two words and Clarke already knew she was done for. “I’m sorry I’m late, the paperwork and stuff took a little longer than I hoped.” Clarke instinctively went to hug her best friend but decided to hold off until she knew the term ‘best friend’ was still applicable. She was, however, prepared to lay down subtle hints throughout the night hoping Lexa would eventually catch on. 

“Hey! Don’t worry about it. I called earlier but apparently they don’t take reservations so we have to wait a bit anyway.” Clarke wasted no time testing the waters. She took the liberty of ordering Lexa’s drink for her, praying it hadn’t changed since she the last time she drank with her. “Can I have a whisky soda and another red wine please?” Lexa made no effort to object. She actually looked somewhat impressed. “It hasn’t been that long, Lex. I still remember what you drink and I still have your phone number.” She couldn’t help but smirk a little bit at how smoothly she slipped the joke in. When Lexa’s cheeks turned the slightest bit pink she knew it was the right move. 

“I’m sorry about that by the way. I shouldn’t have-”

“I’m teasing,” Clarke interrupted as she touched Lexa’s arm- If the hand she touched Lexa with just happened to be her ring-less left hand, it was total coincidence. Hints Number One and Two. “Don’t worry about that, either. It was reasonable to think that.”

The bartender set their drinks down in front of them while Lexa reached and nearly chugged her whisky soda. Apparently, she was as nervous as Clarke was. Clarke needed to keep the conversation flowing or else it was going to get awkward, fast. She had after all said this was meant for catching up.

“So, it didn’t take you long to get to detective, did it?”

Lexa said something about her career and getting the highest score in her class but Clarke was too busy finally noticing Lexa’s outfit. She was pretty sure it was the same outfit from earlier but she hadn’t really paid attention to it. First of all, Lexa could pull off literally any kind of boots and Clarke was always a little jealous of that. Second, she was having trouble not staring at Lexa’s black v-neck. Lexa had always been toned, she practically lived at the gym in college, but the v cut was showing off her collarbones and her defined shoulders. Lastly, the leather jacket finished off the outfit well. She looked like a badass detective. A very sexy badass detective. 

“Well done. I’m not surprised, though. I knew you’d get there.”

“Well, I’m not surprised you made it out of med school unscathed, either.” Clarke instantly thought of her countless midnight breakdowns and all-nighters and laughed. 

“I may have made it out, but I was definitely not unscathed.”

“I have to ask though, why oncology.”

Clarke was slightly taken a back that Lexa knew that about Clarke. She had always hoped that Lexa asked about her as much as she had asked about Lexa-before she was with Bellamy, anyway. 

“Well, you know, I used my keen detective skills and I read the sign that said ‘Oncology Wing’ near where I bumped into you the other day.” Clarke couldn’t hold back her laughter, despite being slightly disappointed that her hope hadn’t been true. Lexa’s sense of humor was one of the things she loved most about her. 

“Well, then yes, your detective skills are very keen then. Congratulations.”

Really though, why oncology? I mean I know that someone has to do it, but isn’t it a little depressing? Telling someone who trusts you that they’re going to die?”  
Clarke had been asked this before and she had always given them the same answer: She enjoyed the scientific and research aspect of oncology. The real answer was something much more, and if she was going to start fresh with Lexa, she, more than anyone, deserved the truth. So, that’s what she told her, and as she did her mind recalled the memories of holding Lexa as she sobbed into her neck. She remembered trying to get her to eat when she hadn’t in days. She remembered how much her best friend had changed.

She watched as Lexa absorbed what she was saying. Her nose twitched a little and a tear escaped her eyelids when she blinked but she wiped it away before it travelled any further. Lexa took a second, then shook her head as if to clear it. 

“So, how’s Bellamy?” Lexa asked, changing the subject and catching Clarke completely off guard. Was she hoping that Lexa would get the impression that they weren’t together anymore, yes, but she was also hoping he wouldn’t come up in conversation either. She realized that was a paradox but this whole situation was new and uncharted territory so she let herself slide. 

“Uh, he’s ok, I guess. I uhm- yeah.” Clarke didn’t know how to respond to that and she was desperately trying to change the subject again. 

“You seem happy.” Lexa would say that. She would say that to be nice, whether she knew it was actually true or not, all the while having an underlying subtext in the way she said it that told Clarke she was really admitting to herself that she wasn’t the one who made Clarke happy. She was being self-deprecating because she was the only thing in the world that made Clarke happy, but she didn’t know that. Clarke knew it was time to tell her. Girl the hell up, Griffin. 

“Uhm, yeah, I was, I guess.” She chuckled because as she thought back on her time with Bellamy and her time with Lexa she truly realized she wasn’t. “Until about two days ago, anyway.” (Hint Number Three) This was it. She was going to tell her everything. She was ready and if she didn’t do it now she wasn’t sure if she would ever be ready again. 

“Ladies?” Clarke’s head whipped around to see the host interrupting them. Now all she was ready for was to strangle him. “Your table is ready. If you’ll follow me, please.” Of course it was. Both Clarke and Lexa sighed at the same time. Clarke wasn’t sure what was going on in Lexa’s head but her sigh was pure agitation. Lexa swept her hand out to the side and Clarke followed the host as Lexa followed behind her. Now she had to go through the entire ‘courage gathering’ process again.

 

……………………………..

 

Dinner went by a lot quicker than Clarke could have hoped for. She missed her opportunity to tell Lexa how she felt about her and another one had yet to come along. Lexa held the door open for her on the way out onto the city sidewalk. It was fairly warm night and Clarke was thankful she hadn’t brought a jacket because she hated carrying them.

As she walked out into the warm air, she knew the night was ending and she knew Lexa well enough to know this is where she’d leave her. 

“Did you take the train?” Clarke asked, thinking of a way to get more time to tell her.

“Yeah, I did. Did you?” She couldn’t say she took the train because then she’d actually have to get on the train which was way out of her way and she wasn’t completely sure that Lexa would walk her all the way home if she asked, so she lied. 

“No, I drove. Would you mind walking me to my car? I had to park a couple blocks away and I don’t really feel like walking alone at night.” Not the best start but she was pretty sure Lexa wouldn’t mind once they got to her apartment building. Plus, she knew that if she hinted she was slightly afraid, Lexa wouldn’t be able to help herself. 

They walked a lot more than they talked and the silence was screaming at Clarke. She pulled her phone out and open Snapchat. She turned towards the bright lights of downtown. 

“I love this city at night. The lights, the skyline, it’s all perfect.” It was all beautiful, but her camera was having trouble focusing on the lights and instead focused on the girl in front of her. The way the lights shone from behind her and created this perfect silhouette; her eyes were still as bright as ever, though. She snapped the picture and just as she did Lexa was reaching around her and couldn’t stop the yelp that escaped as Lexa near lifted her into her chest and a cyclist sped by. Who rides their bike at night!? She wasn’t sure but she was thanking them when she realized where exactly she was. Lexa had both arms around her, hands on Clarke’s waist and Clarke’s hands were just below Lexa’s shoulders. She had forgotten how warm Lexa was but what she didn’t notice before was how perfectly they fit together. Clarke was looking up at Lexa, praying she couldn’t feel her heart pounding through her chest. 

“You ok?” Lexa asked, looking down at Clarke. 

“Yeah, I think so. I didn’t even see him. Thank you,” she breathed. Their eyes had yet to look away. They stood there for a few more seconds then Lexa started moving forward again. Lea moved away slightly, half releasing her from her grasp and Clarke couldn’t help but feel like the night was suddenly colder. She refused to let go of Lexa’s arm though, and Lexa didn’t seem to mind. 

They turned the corner and Clarke could see her building. 

“This is me,” Clarke said, once again breaking the comfortable silence, as they stood in front of the front stoop. 

“I don’t see your car.” 

“I may or may not have lied a bit. I actually walked from my apartment, which is right there,” she said pointing toward the steps. (Also hopefully Hint Number Four). She watched as Lexa’s face lightened into a smile. 

“Oh I see how it is. Well, I’ve walked you this far, I might as well finish it.” She knew Lexa wouldn’t have cared. She found comfort in the fact that she still knew her best friend. No, she didn’t like using that word to describe Lexa. Not when she wanted so much more. 

She joined Lexa on the stoop. It was getting late. She had to tell her soon. 

“Would you, maybe, want to come in? Nightcap, talk or whatever?” 

“I uh- I should probably get home. I have to be into work early tomorrow.” That was it. Clarke was out of time and now internally panicking, but she couldn’t make Lexa stay if she didn’t want to. She had to let her go and pray she’d come back. It felt vaguely familiar. 

“Right, yeah of course.” Clarke didn’t look up from the keys in her hand. She couldn’t. She couldn’t let Lexa see the tears forming in her eyes. She was terrified that this was simply déjà vu. 

“It was really nice to see you, Clarke.” Lexa walked away and Clarke turned toward her door, not wanting to go in. She just stood there. 

“What was this?” She heard Lexa’s voice again and her heart jumped. 

“What? She said as she turned back around again, finding Lexa at the edge of the stoop again. 

“Tonight, what was this? We coincidently bump into each other after four years of not seeing each other and barely talking, and you ask me to get dinner with you. You’ve been borderline flirting with me all night and you’re engaged for crying out loud. So, what the hell was this? I need you to clarify because it’s been bothering the shit out of me ever since I left the hospital!”

Clarke’s breath caught in her throat. Clearly her hints were received and now her opportunity was almost literally staring her in the face, yet the words wouldn’t come out. Her heart was pounding. She let one opportunity slip tonight, she wasn’t about to let it happen again. She had already led a life without Lexa in it and she never wanted to go back to that ever again. This time she was going to get what she wanted. _Who_ she wanted. _The one she loved._

“I’m not engaged,” she stated flatly as she watched it register on Lexa’s face. 

“What happened?” Clarke wanted to laugh at the question, but held it in.

“You happened. When you left, I was heartbroken. I woke up that morning with tears on my face knowing that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I was too much of a fucking coward to not let myself love even though I knew I did.” As Clarke continued to hold her heart in her hands, she told Lexa about everything that had happened over the past four years and the last two days. Tears were running freely down her cheeks and her voice was breaking on every other word but she didn’t care. 

When she finished telling Lexa how she felt, finally, she took a deep breath and let it fill every inch of space in her chest. Breaking Lexa’s heart had weighed on her and now that her own heart was out in the open, she felt liberated. 

Lexa had yet to respond and Clarke was frozen in place waiting for her to say something. _Anything._

“Clarke, I-” She had to stop to breathe and wipe some of the tears off her cheeks. “I’ve spent the past four years trying to get over you, and for a while, I really thought I had. I-” Another pause and Clarke was about to explode. “I need some time.” Clarke felt her knees about to give out. She felt a dull numbness take over her entire body. She felt her heart cracking in spider-webs, like glass, on the edge of shattering. The only thing that was keeping her heart held together was the fact that Lexa hadn’t said no and Clarke was going to hold onto that for as long as she possibly could. 

“Right. That’s fair,” Clarke tried desperately to play it off like she wasn’t falling apart in slow motion on the inside. “I’m sorry, Lex. I didn’t mean to-”

“Don’t apologize. Ever,” Lexa added firmly. She turned and went back down the steps and Clarke turned toward her door. All she wanted now was to escape this stupid stoop. She wanted to be in the safety of her apartment where she could cry and drink her sorrows alone. _Alone._ The tears kept falling down her face and the blurry vision and her shaky hands made it difficult to unlock the door but she got it after a couple of tries. 

Just as she was reaching for the doorknob, she felt hot hands on her hips. She didn’t even have time to register what was happening before her back slammed against the door and there were lips on hers. _Lexa’s lips._ She wanted to open her eyes to make sure this was actually happening but she didn’t because if it was all just a dream, she never wanted it to wake up. Her hands went to the Lexa’s hair almost as if on instinct and she was no longer control of her tongue as it traced Lexa’s lips and explored everything it could. She felt Lexa’s hand slowly trace up her side, leaving a wake of goosebumps, and cupped her face. Clarke was sure that there was no way they could be physically closer than they were, but she still wanted more. She wanted much more. She wanted everything. She wanted everything with Lexa. The tingling feeling in her toes and her fingertips, the burning feeling in her cheeks and in her chest and the throbbing in between her legs was all proof that she had made the right decision and everything that happened within the past few days was worth it. 

Clarke thanked everything in existence when Lexa pushed open the already unlocked door. They clumsily made their way down the hall way as Clarke led Lexa to her door. She pulled Lexa toward her by the edges of her leather jacket so hard that they both slammed into the door. Clarke even hit her head but she didn’t care; she was already dizzy anyway. She started shoving her keys into Lexa’s hand in a silent command to unlock the door. 

“Here,” she breathed into Lexa’s mouth. Lexa was trying really hard to multitask but she ended up breaking from Clarke’s lips so she could get them in the apartment. Lexa may have had the strength to pull away but Clarke had no plans on stopping. She laid a trail of kisses down her beautiful, sharp jawline and down her neck. She had every intention to keep heading toward her collarbone but she heard the lock click. She grabbed Lexa’s jacket and nearly dragged her inside as she reconnected her lips. She tasted like whiskey and strawberries, from dessert no doubt, and the combination had Clarke’s head spinning. 

Once the door was closed and they were safely inside, and Lexa’s jacket was on the other side of the room, Clarke wrapped one hand around the brunette’s waist and the other held her face and pushed her against the door. Clarke felt her underwear only getting wetter as ground her hips against Lexa’s leg, and Lexa let out a moan and Clarke was officially done for. Lexa was kissing her neck as she felt her tight stomach under the hem of her shirt, silently begging for permission to rip it off so she could touch everything it was hiding. Her skin was burning for more contact with Lexa’s. _Begging._

She had never felt any of this before. Especially not with Bellamy. If this what being in love was really like, she’d vow then and there to never go back. Just then, Lexa broke away again.

“Hold on.” If Lexa was regretting what was happening, she knew she wouldn’t be able to take it. Not after feeling everything she was. 

“What is it? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, you are perfect, I just don’t want to rush this. It means too much. I want to do everything right this time.” Lexa was smiling and Clarke was relieved. She wanted this, and the fact that she wanted to take it slow ironically confirmed it. 

“It means too much,” she whispered as she touched her forehead to Lexa’s, both of their eyes closed. They stayed there for a minute or two before Lexa broke the silence without moving. 

“Will you go on a date with me?” she whispered into the space between them. 

“Didn’t we just get back from one?”

“I mean one where we both know that it’s a date.” Lexa laughed and Clarke knew her ears would never hear a more loving sound. Clarke felt herself wanting to laugh at the question. After everything that had was just said and everything that just happened, Lexa still felt the need to ask. She lifted her chin slightly and kissed her cheek ever so softly. 

“I will if you stay.” The entire night, Clarke had been dreading Lexa’s departure and now she even more determined to keep her there. She looked into Lexa’s eyes as she nodded and closed the distance between them again. This time it was softer. Instead of heated passion, it was slow and calculated. Every movement of her lips said something only Clarke could hear. 

Clarke buried her face in Lexa’s neck as they both wrapped their arms around each other. As she stood there in the middle of her apartment, breathing in the smell of daisies and evergreens, she realized she hadn’t actually said what Lexa had all that time ago. 

“I don’t think I ever said it, did I?” she asked. She had said it on the stoop in more wordy sentences, but it wasn’t succinct, and this needed to be. She needed it to be clear, cut, and concise. Clarke had said those three small yet very big words to Bellamy but now, she knew they weren’t true before because she was certain they were true now, and all she wanted was to hear Lexa say it back.

“Said what?” Clarke was taking in everything around her. She wanted every detail to be engrained in her memory forever. She wanted to remember the moment she knew, with absolute certainty, that she was happy. 

“I love you.” (Hint Number Five.)


	12. Lying in Bed with Nothing but the Idea of You and I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think apologies are enough to say how sorry I am for how late this is, but despite everything, I hope you enjoy it! Who doesn't love Clexa fluff!? (We jump between perspectives a couple times so hopefully its not confusing) Thanks, as always, for reading, and I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season! :)

Lexa hadn’t slept that well in years. She actually slept; she didn’t toss and turn every half hour, she didn’t have a dream about her mother-she was somewhat annoyed that she was still having those dreams because they were both a blessing and a curse. She didn’t dream at all. She woke up feeling well-rested and energized, but there was a weight on her chest that was making it a little difficult to breathe. She opened her eyes to a mess of blonde hair covering part of her face. She gently brushed it to the side and took in her current position. 

They had only made it to the couch- which was probably for the best- and Clarke had fallen asleep almost completely on top of Lexa. Her head rested on Lexa’s chest, she had one arm bent, her hand gripping Lexa’s shirt near Clarke’s face while her other arm was somehow looped underneath Lexa’s arm that was resting on Clarke’s back, and her left hand was resting behind Lexa’s shoulder. The only body part that wasn’t fully on Lexa was one of her legs. Despite how it probably looked, it was actually quite comfortable.  
She had seen Clarke in the morning a thousand times before, but this morning was different. This morning she could tell Clarke how beautiful she was when she woke up and how sexy her morning voice was. This morning she could kiss her whenever she wanted and she got goosebumps from the concept. She could get used to this a little too easily.  
She had to admit, though, it was still all so new and strange, but Lexa was determined not to screw it up. She had been in love with Clarke for so long that she was basically numb to every other girl she’d ever dated, if she could even call it that- it was really just serial hookups. Everything was different now. Now, she was in love with the only person she’s ever wanted, and now she knew that Clarke loved her back. Lexa thought she was going to have a heart attack when Clarke said those three words because it was beating out of her chest. She almost immediately decided that it was nice being loved back and she was never going back. It’d probably kill her. 

Lexa began slowly scooting out from underneath, being careful not to wake the blonde. She had always been a fairly deep sleeper and she was hoping that hadn’t changed. Once she was upright, she laid a blanket over Clarke and made her way to the kitchen and began looking in the cupboards for supplies to make breakfast.

 

…………………………….

 

Clarke felt a tickle on her cheek as she moved slightly, not yet fully awake. She blinked her sleepy eyes a few times to wake up enough to process what she was seeing. The fringe of the blanket on top of her had been the source of the tickling sensation on her face. That’s when she realized that she had slept on her couch instead of her bed. Why did she end up out here? As her mind began to fully defog, the previous night came flooding back. Lexa. Lexa loved her. Clarke loved Lexa. And they both knew it this time. Clarke tried to remember the first time she had woken up in this good of a mood; she couldn’t. 

She heard a crackling sound paired with a heavenly smell, both radiating from the kitchen. She sat up on her elbows and spotted Lexa in the kitchen slaving over her stove cooking bacon and what appeared to be pancakes and eggs. The scene reminded her of when the two first started living together. Lexa always wore her headphones when she cooked- Clarke had even caught her dancing while cooking a few times. She had asked her why she wore them every time she cooked once and she told her that her mother loved to cook- Clarke, of course, already knew this because of the infinite amount of mouthwatering dinners she had eaten at the Woods’ household- and whenever they cooked together they always cranked the music up high. So, whenever Lexa cooks she listens to music to feel close to her mom. Clarke always enjoyed hearing stories like that. The little tiny things that Lexa did to remind herself of her mother, the little tiny things that made Lexa who she was; it was those things that made Clarke fall even harder.

Clarke rose from the couch and walked into the kitchen. 

“I thought we talked about this already. If you cook for me, I’m going to be spoiled so much that I’ll never be able to and I’ll be stuck,” she teased as she stood at Lexa’s side.

“But that’s precisely the point. Then you’ll need me.” Lexa replied with a small smile and taking one earbud out, eyes fixed on the sizzling bacon. Clarke couldn’t help but smile at her hidden smirk. She turned and took a sidestep, somewhat carefully squeezing herself in-between the stove and the brunette, facing the latter, and rising to her toes to place a soft kiss on her smug lips that sent goosebumps down her arms. She could definitely get used to being able to do that whenever she wanted. 

“I’ll need you whether you cook or not,” she winked. Clarke spotted the color rising to Lexa’s cheeks as she turned to go change her clothes in her bedroom.  
She opts for sweats and a hoodie. She had the day off and she planned to take full advantage. She’s bummed that Lexa has to work, but she was determined to make sure that she came back after. She walked back out toward the kitchen and wraps her arms around Lexa from behind and nuzzled her head into her back. She could feel the vibrations from Lexa’s chuckles as Lexa turned around with a plate in each hand. Clarke reached up again, placing a soft kiss on the corner of her mouth. 

“What was that for?” Lexa asked, smiling so it was clear she had no complaints. 

“I like that I can,” Clarke replied with a wide smile. Lexa didn’t say anything as she set the plates down and wrapped one arm around Clarke’s waist, pulled her closer, and closed the distance between them. Clarke kissed he back like it was a reflex. They broke momentarily but Clarke quickly reconnected their lips. Her hands teased the hem of Lexa’s shirt as her hand came up to Clarke’s face. Clarke was led backwards until her back hit the counter. Next thing she knew, strong hands were on her hips lifting her up onto the counter. Lexa stood in-between her knees and moved her hands back to their previous positions only this time, the Lexa’s hand on her back was underneath Clarke’s shirt, hot on her skin. Clarke needed more. She was grasping at Lexa’s shirt and her waist trying to pull her closer but it wasn’t enough. Clarke pulled away and quickly lifted her own shirt over her head. 

“Clarke,” Lexa whispered, out of breath.

“I know, not yet,” Clarke whispered back, hands still tracing the edge of Lexa’s shirt. “I just need a little more,” she breathed, “I need you to touch me.”

Clarke felt Lexa on her lips for a split second and then she pulled away again. When Clarke’s eyes opened, Lexa was still standing where she was before only now her black V-neck was off and revealing her black sports bra and her toned stomach, which Clarke’s eyes were having some trouble leaving. Lexa used her left hand to lift Clarke’s mouth back to hers as her right hand held Clarke’s waist to tightly, Clarke knew there was probably going to leave a mark. She didn’t even care. In fact, Lexa leaving marks on her turned her on even more. Clarke’s hands, however, were unabashedly grazing Lexa’s abs. She couldn’t help it. Abs were probably her biggest turn on and Lexa’s were perfect. 

They stayed in the kitchen in a heated make-out session, being sure not to take it any farther but also certainly enjoying where they were. By the time they ate, almost an hour later, their breakfast was cold. 

 

……………………………….

 

Lexa knew she was late, but this morning she didn’t have a care in the world. She waltzed off the elevator with a bounce in her step as she walked over to her desks, where Gustus was already waiting. She handed him one of the two coffees in her hands and hummed as she nearly sashayed to her chair. 

“Someone’s in a good mood this morning. Did this one leave before you woke up?”

“Actually, I stayed later at her apartment.” Gustus almost choked on his coffee.

“What?”

“I had that meeting with Clarke last night and it went better than I expected,” she explained with a smirk. 

“So I’m assuming you finally slept with her?”

“Nope.” Lexa said simply, ignoring Gustus’s confused look. 

“I need more information before I can fully process this, Woods.” Lexa sighed as she turned towards her partner. 

“We met up at the restaurant, we had drinks, dinner, she kept dropping semi-ambiguous hints the whole night, I walked her home, and she told me she wasn’t engaged anymore and that she loved me and the rest is history.” She couldn’t help the bubbly feeling in her chest as she narrated the events of the previous night. 

“Well I’ll be damned. Woods finally has an actual girlfriend,” Gustus quipped with a shit-eating grin. 

“I don’t know if-”

“Bullshit, don’t’ even try to give me that. This is the only girl you’ve ever cared about and you already told me she loves you. There’s no going back now.”  
They hadn’t really talked about it, but Lexa really hoped that all of this meant that they were girlfriends now. She had trouble remembering wanting anything else.  
“Now as your partner in fighting crime,” Gustus laughed at his own joke, “of course I’m happy for you, but I’m also morally obligated to say that I need to meet her so I can evaluate her intentions.”

“I just got her back, Gus, I don’t want to scare her away again.” Lexa laughed as she jokingly punched him in the arm. He leaned back, feigning offense as he chuckled. 

 

……………………….

 

Lexa shoved her phone back into her jeans pocket as she walked toward Clarke’s front steps. She had gotten a text from Clarke around noon telling her to come back after work. Lexa surely had no objections to the notion. She even stopped on her way and picked up a bouquet of lilies, Clarke’s favorite. Someone was walking out of the front door just as she got to the door and he kindly let her in. Lexa paused as she stood outside Clarke’s apartment door. As she fixed her hair and her jacket she laughed at the butterflies forming in her stomach. Even now that she knew how Clarke felt she was nervous, and she secretly hoped that would never go away. 

She hid the flowers behind her, knocked gently and when the door swung open she was met by ocean blue eyes and a bright smile. Clarke grabbed her jacket and practically dragged her into her apartment- Lexa made a mental note to wear her leather jackets whenever possible. Clarke kissed her and sent Lexa’s head spinning. Clarke released her lips but still had a hold on her jacket keeping her close. 

“I missed you,” she said with another smile, staring into endless green eyes. 

“I was gone for less than eight hours, Clarke,” Lexa teased. 

“I still missed you,” Clarke replied, pecking Lexa’s lips again. 

“Well,” Lexa started as she pulled the flowers from behind her, “I missed you too.”

“Lex! These are gorgeous! Thank you,” she kissed her again, thankfully. Lexa heard a beeping noise coming from the kitchen and began to notice smells diffusing from the kitchen. 

“Does my nose deceive me or are you cooking?” Lexa teased.

“I am,” Clarke laughed, “trying at least. It should be almost done, I think.” 

“Nice, I’ll go wash up in the bathroom and then I’ll be back to help, ok?” With another peck, Lexa left for the bathroom and Clarke to the kitchen. 

……………………………

 

Clarke was moving around the kitchen like it was on fire. Clarke in a kitchen was comparable to a tiger in the tundra; neither had any familiarity with their surroundings and neither belonged there because they were far better equipped for different situations. Give Clarke a crashing patient or a chemo treatment plan and she would feel right at home. The kitchen, on the other hand, may as well have been Mars. Clarke never had to cook growing up and also never had any intention of learning. Her mother always cooked for her family after work and her father was a chef turned engineer. Her first year on her own in Chicago was easily her unhealthiest, but she still managed to survive it- mostly in thanks to her roommates. After Lexa moved in, she had a home-cooked meal nearly every night and that spoiled her, so after breakfast this morning she decided it was time to pay Lexa back, at least a little bit- or try at least. 

The veggies were finished steam cooking in the microwave and all she had left to do was ready the garlic bread and everything would be set. She spotted her flowers on the counter and went to the closet to find a large enough vase. As she was filling said vase with water, her smoke alarm began blaring. She heard Lexa hurry out of the bathroom as she turned to find dark smoke slowly billowing from the oven. 

“Are you okay!?” Lexa asked, slight panic in her voice. Clarke opened the oven and carefully removed her now black lasagna placing it on the stove. As she slipped the oven mitts off, she laughed. It started as a giggle and quickly developed into bent-over-stomach-clenching laughter. Her vision blurred as her eyes watered from laughing so hard. Lexa’s face expressed confusion as she let out a contradicting chuckle. “Uhm, Clarke?” she asked, hesitantly.  
Clarke, laughter dying down a bit but still going, walks toward the side of the refrigerator and handed Lexa a takeout menu. 

“Well, I gave it a shot, and it’s finally official: I can’t cook,” she concluded, still giggling through her smile. “Order whatever you want and I’ll clean this mess up.”

 

Two hours later, the kitchen was clean and Clarke and Lexa were sitting on the floor in the living room, takeout boxes spread across the coffee table and _Once Upon A Time_ end credits flash on the TV screen. Despite talking through pretty much the entire episode, Clarke pressed ‘Next Episode’ as she rose to throw away the garbage and rinse their plates. Lexa had of course offered to help but Clarke insisted she stay put. Once all of the dishes were in the washer and the cycle was started, Clarke walked back over to the room and sat herself right in front of Lexa, who was still sitting on the floor with her legs out in front of her, so her back was to Lexa’s front as she leaned back, her head fitting perfectly just below hers. She grabbed Lexa’s wrists and moved her arms so that they were around Clarke, crossing at her midsection. She could feel the heat radiating from Lexa’s chest as the arms around her she squeezed slightly, holding her closer. 

They sat like that, contently in each other’s arms, for another forty-five minutes until that episode was over too. Once the credits rolled, Clarke let out a sigh. 

“Not a bad night, all things considered,” she laughed, “but I will say that is the last time I try to be the talented, dutiful girlfriend-” Clarke froze at the term. She didn’t mean to say it, it just kind of came out- they still hadn’t really talked about everything- but now that it was out in the open, she had no real intention of taking it back. She didn’t want to, but she wasn’t sure if Lexa was okay with it yet. “…or whatever,” she added as a weak attempt at recovery. 

“Yeah, you can be the talented one, but it might be a good idea to leave the dutiful girlfriend role to me, babe,” Lexa quipped as she gently kissed Clarke’s shoulder just next to the collar of her t-shirt. Clarke’s stomach jumped but she couldn’t distinguish whether it was the ‘girlfriend,’ the ‘babe,’ or the gentle kiss that caused it. Most likely all of the above. 

“So, I _am_ your girlfriend, eh?” Clarke teased, being sure to notice the redness in Lexa’s cheeks. 

“With our history, I think it’s safe for us to skip the beginning formalities of a relationship, don’t you?” she asked, tilting her head so she could she Clarke’s face, but instead of turning to see her face Clarke got up to turn around and sat back down, this time facing her girlfriend, legs straddling Lexa’s. She leaned forward and met Lexa’s lips with her own. The kiss was slow, gentle; still passionate, but in a different way. Usually when they kissed, it was heated and filled with the simple desire to be touched by the other. This was distinctly different. This was telling each other something that words couldn’t explain. This was not worrying about the past or the future, but focusing on the present, the small moments that make everything else, all of life’s problems melt away. 

“Yeah, I think we can,” Clarke replied softly as they broke the kiss without completely pulling away. Lexa smiled as she tucked her hand behind Clarke’s neck and gently pulled her back in. As they kissed, Clarke knew with absolute certainty that, even though she really believed she was in love with Bellamy, she was just going through the motions then. Surviving. But life is about much more than surviving. Now, with Lexa she was ready to finally start living. 

 

………………………………

 

Lexa blinked sleepily as she once again woke with Clarke on top of her. This time, instead of being on the couch, she was still sitting on the floor, back against the couch and a sleeping Clarke in her lap. How they actually managed to fall asleep in this position, no one will ever know, and it was even more uncomfortable than it looked. She checked her watch as it read 2:12AM. She tried to wake Clarke, but all she got was the cutest whine and an incoherent mumble about something, proving Clarke was still half asleep. As much as she loved Clarke, she knew her back couldn’t take another night spent in the living room. She managed to coax Clarke into swinging one of her legs around so they were on the same side. Lexa tucked one arm under her knees and the other around her shoulders as she stood, using the couch bolster for some help. Lexa carried Clarke bridal style into the bedroom and laid her gently onto the bed. Lexa took her shirt and her jeans off, leaving her in her navy blue sports bra and black boxer briefs, as she lifted the duvet and climbed in next to Clarke, scooting in right behind her, claiming the role of big spoon. 

Just as she was beginning to fall asleep, letting the smell of the blonde’s hair pull her under, she felt Clarke scooch backwards, forming herself more closely to Lexa’s front. As if on instinct or reflex. Lexa’s arm wrapped around Clarke, her hand just in front of Clarke’s middle. Once they were both comfortable a few short moments later, Lexa felt warm fingers thread in-between hers. She knew then, that as long as she had Clarke- which she prayed to any higher power that would listen that would be a very long time- she would never have another sleepless night again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it'll just be a couple more chapters before I start to wrap this up. There are a few more things I want to do before that happens though so there'll be at least 2-3 more chapters (including and epilogue.)  
> Thanks again everyone!


	13. Life Is Tough, My Darling, But So Are You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm back (finally) I'm sorry for the long break, but thanks to those who have stuck around! :) Hope you enjoy! <3
> 
>  
> 
> P.S. Also, just a trigger warning: this chapter contains a few offensive slurs

Clarke woke with Lexa’s arm around her, her breath on her neck, and her name resounding loudly through her apartment. At first, she thought it was part of a dream but the sound of her named being yelled yet again assured her it was not. Recognizing the loud voice, she remembered they were supposed to get breakfast this morning. Despite Lexa’s grip around her growing tighter in protest, Clarke got out of bed, quickly realizing that she had taken her pants off sometime during the night but luckily had subconsciously left her shirt on. As she walked toward her cracked bedroom door, Octavia burst through it, yelling her name again, as well as a few other things.

“What the fuck, Clarke? What the actual fuck!?” Octavia nearly screamed but still enunciating every word. As the yelling was continuing, Lexa sat up in bed, confused and concerned eyes bearing into Clarke. Clarke turns to look at Lexa and as Octavia follows her gaze to Lexa and freezes. 

“So you guys are talking now? When did that happen?” She asked. Lexa kind of fell off the face of the earth when she moved out of Clarke’s apartment and wouldn’t answer anyone’s calls, even Octavia’s, who took her leaving pretty hard too. Eventually they started talking every once in a while but Clarke was pretty sure they hadn’t actually seen each other since the party Clarke threw for Lexa at their apartment. Clarke had always known why she left, but Octavia never knew, and she had always felt terrible about that.

“Hello to you too, Octavia,” she replied bitterly. Clarke gave her another look and she knew exactly what it meant. 

“I’ll be in the shower if you need me,” she said as she walked past Clarke to get towels and headed into the bathroom. Clarke was mildly disappointed she didn’t kiss her before she left but she knew exactly why that was. 

“Octavia,” she sighed turning back to her friend, “what are you doing here?”

“I went to Bellamy’s last night,” she said with a stern knowing look, waiting for her response. 

“Octavia, I can explain, ok. I-”

“Why the hell would you break up with him Clarke!? He kept saying it was for the best for both of you but I know him better than anyone and I know he’s heartbroken. What happened? Last week we were planning flower arrangements and now out of nowhere, you dump your fiancé?!” She paused to take a breath, “What’s going on with you Clarke?”  
Clarke took a deep breath as she thought about everything that had happened within the past few days; seeing Lexa again, breaking Bellamy’s heart, the night at the restaurant- and everything after, but what her mind was being drawn to as her eyes drifted toward the closed bathroom door was the future, _their_ future. 

“Lexa,” she sighed finally, eyes still fixed on the door. 

“What?” Octavia responded with a puzzled look. Her confusion faded as Clarke told her the truth of what happened four years ago as well as four days ago. She did her best to explain that she never wanted to hurt Bellamy, but she couldn’t continue with the regret that she never followed where her heart truly led. 

When she had finished, she sat in silence patiently waiting for her friend to process and eventually say something, and longer it took the more nervous Clarke became. Finally, Octavia’s furrowed eyebrows relaxed and her tight lined lips softened. 

“So you really think that Lexa is the one?”

“I know she is.” In that moment, it was one of the few things Clarke knew in certainty. After spending the past few days with her, she couldn’t see herself ever wanting to go back. 

“You love her? I know I haven’t seen her in a while but she is still one of my best friends and if you break her heart, I love you but I’ll still break your face.”

Clarke chuckled softly, “If I ever hurt her, I’ll probably do it for you.” There was a short silence before Octavia broke it again. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you Clarke, you know I love you both, and I understand why you did it, but I’m still pissed you hurt Bellamy.”

“I know, O. You have every right to be. Just know it was on purpose.” Octavia nodded slightly in acknowledgment. 

Just then, the bathroom door opened again as Lexa exited donning her boxer briefs and navy sports bra and towel drying her long wavy locks. Clarke didn’t even try to stop herself from staring. 

“So you guys are a thing now, huh?” Octavia asked. Lexa paused her drying and looked up at Octavia.

“If that’s what Clarke told you, then yes,” she responded with a smirk and wink in her girlfriend’s direction. Clarke smiled as her cheeks burned, her eyes still ogling, that is until she felt a slap on her arm. 

“Woman, stop eye-fucking your girlfriend and get dressed so we can go get some breakfast because I’m sure as shit not letting you cook.” Octavia quipped as she turned to exit the bedroom. Lexa threw her head back as she belly-laughed, no doubt thinking of how the previous night had gone. The brunette walked to the opposite side of the room to where her clothes were. 

“Are you coming with us to breakfast?” Clarke asked. 

“I should probably go change my clothes since these are from yesterday.”

“You can do that after.”

“Fine, if you want me there I’ll be there,” Lexa said smiling warmly at the blonde. Clarke stood back up and went over to Lexa, circling her arms around her waist and resting her chin on her shoulder, as Lexa put her watch back on her wrist. 

“You know, you could just leave some clothes and stuff here if you wanted. Just a thought,” she said softly. She didn’t want Lexa to feel rushed in any way, but it was a sincere offer. Honestly, Clarke would be happy if she moved in with her right now but scolded herself for thinking farther than what they were ready for. 

“You make it sound like I’m going to be spending a lot of time here,” Lexa smirked as she turned and put her arms around Clarke, her clasped hands resting on her lower back.

“Well, that is the general idea,” Clarke said smiling widely as Lexa closed the gap between them. Every time Lexa kissed her, she felt her stomach swim and her knees go weak and she silently prayed that that feeling would never go away. Clarke’s hand immediately reach for Lexa’s towel dry hair, as if on instinct. Their lips moved around each other flawlessly as hands moved, gently caressing the other. Lexa’s hand had just got under Clarke’s shirt, exactly where she wanted it to be, when Octavia shouted from the other room,

“You two better not be making out in there! Hurry up, I’m starving!”

As her cheeks turned the slightest shade of pink, Lexa kissed her girlfriend’s cheek and left, letting Clarke to get dressed undistracted. 

………………………………..

 

After breakfast, which had gone pleasantly smoothly, Clarke found herself alone, straightening up her apartment. Lexa had circled back to her apartment after they left the café but Clarke insisted she come back because they both had the day off and Clarke wasn’t going to miss having her to herself the whole day. As Clarke vacuumed her apartment, her thoughts kept drifting back to early that morning, talking to Octavia. For some reason, now that someone, outside herself and Lexa, knew how she felt about her she couldn’t help the nerves growing in her stomach. Why was she nervous that others knew? She had loved Lexa for a long time and now that they were finally together and happy, Clarke had no intention of hiding how she felt. She wanted to hold her hand when they walked downtown. She wanted to kiss her in the middle of the street in the pouring rain. She wanted to take her home for holiday parties. Home. Her parents. 

Just then she heard her unlocked door swing open and saw the woman taking over her thoughts enter the room. She turned off the vacuum as Lexa put her bag down and walked over and wrapped her arms her burying her head in her neck. Clarke didn’t let go as Lexa’s held her tightly. 

“Everything okay?” Lexa asked her. 

“I love you, Lexa,” she responded as she sighed contently and Lexa’s arms only drew her in closer as she kissed Clarke’s temple. They stood there, unmoving, for a few more moments until Lexa broke the silence.

“You know, it’s only fair that since I brought a bag to yours, you should bring one to mine.” Clarke could hear her smirk seeping into her words as she backed away slightly.

“I think we should tell everyone,” she blurted, not fully on purpose. 

“Tell who what now?” 

“I think we should tell our parents that were dating,” she explained, eyes fixed on the floor in front of her. She knew she was asking a lot of Lexa given how her dad was, but if they didn’t tell them then he would just find out from Clarke’s parents anyway. 

“I have no problem telling your parents, Clarke.”

“What about your dad?”

“No, Clarke. I don’t care what he knows or how he feels. He can rot for all I care. We shouldn’t have to tell him, we can just live our lives and be happy,” she said picking her bag back up again and taking it to the bedroom. 

“You know if we tell my parents and he finds out from them he’s only going to get worse, Lex,” Clarke pleaded as she followed into the bedroom. Once inside, Lexa nearly threw her bag on the floor.

“I worked too hard to get out of that bigot’s house to go back and listen to his ignorant rants. I spent too much of my life poisoned by his views and them being forced into mine. He is so set in his ways, nothing short of Jesus himself coming down on a cloud shouting, ‘Gays are great!’ would get him to change his mind,” she sighed as she sat down on the bed. Clarke sat next to her, hand on her thigh. “I remember, not long before my mother died, I was really struggling with who I was and what I wanted. My parents and I went out to dinner and after we sat down my dad went to use the restroom. When he came back he was angry because a trans man had been in the bathroom with him. He went to the manager of the restaurant yelling things like, ‘That homo-dyke doesn’t belong in my bathroom! It shouldn’t be here! This is a family place!’ Then a few other people said they agreed with him and the manager showed the man out, tears streaming down his face. My parents spent the rest of the evening spouting slurs and I just sat their uncomfortably. I had never been so ashamed in my entire life. Needless to say I never went back to that restaurant.” Lexa took a deep breath. “I deal with bigots all of the time and I don’t care because I know that they’re wrong, they don’t know me, and most of them are just afraid, but with him it’s different. He’s my dad. He’s supposed to support me, no matter what, but he chose religion and politics over his own daughter and I promised myself that I’d never give him a chance to do it again.” 

Clarke felt awful as she watched Lexa stare down at her hands in her lap. Lexa had never really gotten along with her father, even before her mother passed away. After she died, it got much worse and after she moved out they barely spoke at all. Anya accidentally mentioning Lexa’s ex-girlfriend to him once was the last straw apparently. As she found out from her parents, he was furious that she ‘had become an abomination’ and blamed it on her tomboyish childhood. Despite everything, she knew that he often asked Clarke’s parents how she was but ever since Clarke and Lexa stopped talking, they were unable to give him an honest answer. So if he cared enough to keep asking how she was, maybe there was a chance he was willing to put his beliefs aside and just love his daughter and relish the fact that she was happy. She caught Lexa discreetly wiping a tear from below her eye and put her arm around her drawing her in. 

“You know we don’t have to see him if you don’t want to, but I think you deserve to show him how happy you are despite everything that you’ve gone through,” Clarke took her free hand and pulled Lexa’s hand into her lap as she kissed her head. “If we go, one of two things will happen: He’ll either see the error in his ways and finally admit he was wrong, or he’ll continue to be his way and I’ll have to beat him up for ever hurting you.”

“You’re gonna beat up my dad?” Lexa asked chuckling. 

“If that’s what it takes for him to see how absolutely amazing my girlfriend is, then yes.” Clarke leaned her head on Lexa’s ad squeezed her hand. “I’d go to the ends of the earth for you Lex.”

“We don’t’ have to go that far, it’s only five hours away, Clarke.”

“So do you want to go?”

“Yeah, I do. You’re right. I need to face him one more time. He needs to know that I’m happy where I am in life despite what he thinks, and as long as you’re with me at the end of the day, it won’t matter.” She sighed deeply as she wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist and laid them back onto the bed. Clarke put her arm around her, drawing small circles with her fingers on the small of her back as Lexa buried her face in Clarke’s chest. “I love you, Clarke.” 

“I love you, too.”

……………………………………

 

The train ride was long and tiring and the two of them had spent the majority of it reading, but now that they were in their rental car, driving to Clarke’s parents’ house, Lexa noticed her hands getting sweaty. She occasionally wiped them on her jeans to avoid compromising her grip on the wheel. She was pretty sure Clarke had noticed because by about the seventh time, Clarke, without lifting her eyes from her book, brought Lexa’s hand into her lap and gave it an assuring squeeze. Lexa was amazed at how calm Clarke seemed. Yes, her parents were open and loving people and most likely wouldn’t have a problem with them dating, but she still had to tell them about Bellamy. Shouldn’t she at least be nervous about that? 

The drive wasn’t long but it was long enough to gather her thoughts. Lexa knew that her dad wasn’t going to be happy, despite Clarke’s optimism, but Clarke gave her all the strength she needed to finally prove her father wrong. She had never been as happy as she was in recent weeks and she wasn’t about to have it ruined by a man as singular as her father. She had been just fine without him since she left and that certainly wasn’t going to change now. 

Clarke put her book away as Lexa turned into her childhood neighborhood. Lexa’s hands had finally stopped sweating but she was still considerably nervous. She parked the car on the side of the house and shut the car off. Just as she was about to unbuckle her seat belt, Clarke leaned over, gently slid her hand on the left side of Lexa’s lower jaw, turned her face toward her and kissed her ever so softly. Lexa was in awe as her nerves vanished and Clarke exited the car. The fact that Clarke could literally change her state of mind with a single touch should have scared her, but it only made her smile wider. Lexa met her in front of the car as Clarke slipped her hand in hers and led her up the footpath leading to the front door. 

“You ready?” she asked turning in front of the door. Lexa nodded. Clarke rang to doorbell and gave Lexa’s hand one last squeeze as she heard the knob turn from inside.   
Mrs. Griffin was first to the door as she exclaimed and encased her daughter in a tight hug. 

“Clarke! What are you doing here? We didn’t know you were coming over here today!” Just then, Abby’s eyes caught sight of Lexa and she stood up straight again. “And Lexa too!” She smiled brightly as she hugged her. “Oh honey it’s been so long since we’ve seen you!”

“Hey kiddos!” she heard from down the foyer. Jake Griffin walked and hugged Clarke, nearly bringing her feet off the ground. 

“I know,” Lexa explained, “I’m sorry I haven’t been around in a while.”

“Oh honey we understand! You must be so busy with your detective work! We’re so proud of you! Jake tells all of his clients about you.”

“It’s true,” he says stepping toward Lexa and hugging her. 

“We’ve missed you guys,” Clarke comments as she takes her shoes off and sets them to the side of the door. 

“Come in! Come in! Let me make you some tea. Would you like some tea Lexa or some coffee maybe?”

“Tea would be great, Mrs. Griffin.”

“Perfect, go sit down and I’ll be right in.” Lexa walked into the living room and sat on one of the two couches. Clarke sat down next to her and scooted closer until their whole sides were touching. Lexa had noticed that before. Clarke had always done that, but for some reason it was only when she was next to her. She laughed to herself as she realized she could probably figure out the reason now. Jake sat down on the couch opposite theirs and began asking Lexa questions about work. She told him what she could about a couple of them, including the Dr. Tsing case. Clarke commented on how they had bumped into each other at the hospital during that case, just as Abby came back with four mugs.

“So, Lexa tell us more. Are you seeing anyone? Are you going to bring them to Clarke’s wedding?” Abby asked.

“Yeah, any girlfriends I need to talk to?” Jake said in his fatherly tone. 

“About that, mom… Bell and I broke up.”

“What!?” Jake and Abby said simultaneously. “What happened?” Abby added. 

“I just-” Clarke paused. “I discovered I was in love with someone else. Always had been, I think. Someone that had given me their heart once, a long time ago and I broke it, simply out of fear. I regretted every day after that and now I’ve finally fixed my terrible mistake and now, I’ve never been as happy as I am now.”

“Well, honey, we have no problem with that as long as you’re happy.” Jake said. 

“Of course dear. That’s all we care about.” Mrs. Griffin added sincerely. 

“Do we get to know who he is then, at least?” Jake asked. Lexa tensed and the butterflies came back, but they were gone quicker than they appeared. Clarke looked at her, those beautiful deep blue eyes staring at her, took her hand in both of hers, and looked back at her parents with a wide smile. Jake and Abby both stilled for a moment, looking from Clarke to Lexa, to their hands, back to Clarke. Abby nearly squealed as she covered her nose and mouth with her hands. Jake laughed happily as Abby stood and nearly threw herself onto the couch hugging them both. As she leaned back to look at them both, Lexa saw she had tears in her eyes. As she and Jake both stood in front of them, Clarke leaned over and kissed Lexa’s cheek. Mrs. Griffin squealed again as Lexa’s cheek burned red. Clarke explained everything over spaghetti dinner and Abby and Jake listened happily, and Clarke’s hand never left Lexa’s.

Eventually it was time to go. It was getting late and they still had to go to Lexa’s house. As they all said their farewell’s Jake pulled Lexa aside one last time.  
“We always thought there was something between you two,” he said as he gave her one of the biggest hugs she had ever received. He tilted his head toward her ear as he whispered, “I was always rooting for you, kiddo.” He kissed her forehead and said goodbye. The Griffins watched as Lexa drove them away, windows down and Clarke’s fingers intertwined with hers. 

 

……………………………..

 

Twenty minutes later and they were almost to Lexa’s dad’s. Lexa’s hand still in Clarke’s lap as Clarke stroked the back of her hand softly to calm her. 

“I’m really glad that went so well,” Clarke smiled, looking over at Lexa’s profile. “I guess I really am the only one that couldn’t see it,” she laughed as she brought Lexa’s hand to her lips. 

“I’m just glad we ate at your parents’ because we probably won’t be at my dad’s long enough. Honestly, I’ll be surprised if we last thirty minutes.”

“I promise you, no matter what, we’re in this together and everything is going to be ok.” Lexa nodded finding solace and faith in Clarke’s words. She only hoped they would hold her together. 

Tons of memories came flooding back to Lexa as they turned into the driveway. Her dad’s truck still parked in the same place it always had been. She saw the yard she played in, the tree she always sword-fought, the flowerbeds she had spent endless summer hours weeding. The porch swing her mother and she used to read on. Every little thing still held a memory, reminding her that not everything that happened in this house was bad.   
They walked up to the door and Lexa kissed Clarke’s cheek. 

“I love you,” she said as she knocked on the door. A few moments later, the door was open and her father was standing in front of her. He had lost some weight since she saw him last, but his white hair and his short beard had remained the same. His eyes widened as he saw the two women standing on his porch. 

“Alexandria?” he asked, surprise in his voice. “Clarke Griffin! I’ll be damned!” I don’t think I’ve seen you since Alexandria graduated. Lexa’s parents were the only ones that called her that, and she hated it. She had even signed her name Lexa most of her life.

“Yes it’s been quite some time, Mr. Woods.”

“Can we come in, dad?”

“Of course, come on in! I ate dinner already and everything is put away but you can make a plate if you want to,” he said, gesturing towards the kitchen.

“We’re fine dad, we ate at the Griffins’.”

“Oh, you saw them too, eh? And how are your parents, Clarke? Haven’t seen them in a while either.”

“They’re well. I’ll let them know you said hello,” Clarke smiled sweetly. Clarke had always been Mr. Woods’s favorite, even though Lexa’s only good friend was Octavia. 

“How have you been, Dad?” Lexa asked, breaking the proverbial ice. 

“Oh same as always, I guess. Just got back from Arizona with Arlene.” Arlene was Lexa’s father’s girlfriend and she hated her. He had dated her mother in high school, then the broke up for a while and then eventually got back together. In the interim, he dated Arlene. Lexa knew that her mother had always had a thing about Arlene because apparently, they were quite serious. Lexa hated her because barely a year after her dear mother had passed he had begun dating her. It was long distance at first since her family is in Arizona, but after Lexa moved out, she moved in with him. Needless to say, Lexa hated both of them for it. 

“Who is Arlene?” Clarke asked. 

“She’s my girlfriend,” he replied, “she’s out grocery shopping right now but she should be back soon I reckon.”

“So sorry we missed her,” Lexa said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. 

“So what brings you two by?” Clarke and Lexa both sat down and once again Clarke sat as close to Lexa as she could. After a deep breath, Lexa went past the point of no return. 

“Actually, I came to share some news.”

“What kind of news?” he asked. 

“Well… I’ve been seeing someone. It’s still relatively new, but we both know it’s going to last so I’m letting you know because you’re my dad and that’s probably something you should know.”

“Oh, well alright then. Who’s the lucky fella?” Lexa’s whole body tensed. Her jaw clenched and her fists tightened. She had really hoped that she was wrong about him being so steadfast in his ways but it turns out some people never change. A lump formed in her throat. She remembered all of the slurs and undeserved random racial comments and it all came bubbling up. All she wanted to do was just scream ‘I’m gay!’ in his face and leave, but that wasn’t a viable solution. As she was figuring out exactly the right way to say it, Clarke spoke for her. 

“Actually, it’s lucky lady, and that would be me,” Clarke said calmly with a smile linking her arm with Lexa’s. Lexa relaxed. She couldn’t have said it better herself. Her father on the other hand would beg to differ. 

“Alexandria, how many times do we have to go over this!?” he rose furiously from his chair. “It’s a sin. Those people are abominations that will burn in hell. You can’t be this way, and now you’ve even debauched Clarke! You’re a lot of things Alexandria but I never thought you were selfish!”

“ _I’m_ selfish!?” Lexa yelled.

“Yes. Yes, you are and your poor mother would be ashamed of you!” Lexa angrily stood from the couch and took a small heated step toward her father. 

“ _My mother_ , would want me to be happy. I spent years feeling depressed when I was younger because I knew something was missing and when I finally figured and accepted what that was, I was finally happy. I worked my entire life to be happy and to be myself and I’ll be damned if I let you or any other ignorant bigoted asshole ruin my life’s work.” Lexa took another step forward. “I love Clarke with all that I am, I always have, and if you have a problem with that, just because we have the same body parts, then I don’t want you in my life.” Lexa took a breath and the tension in her shoulders disappeared. She did and there was no going back; she didn’t want to ever go back. 

“Get out of my house,” Mr. Woods said sternly, unable to look his daughter in the eye. 

“Gladly,” Lexa spat as she turned to walk out. Clarke, now standing, however didn’t turn toward the door. Instead she squared herself to the older man. 

“Your daughter is the most amazing person I’ve ever known. Not only is she incredibly smart but she is one of the most successful detectives in Chicago, and she’s only been one for six months. While you might take credit for that, remember this: she spent her whole life trying to become everything you’re not. Lexa is a beacon of light in the dark night for me. She loves freely and unconditionally and if you are too stubborn to see all of that past this one perfectly normal thing about her, then you have my pity because the world you live in is a cold and empty place.” When she was done, Clarke turned toward the door and grabbed Lexa’s hand. Lexa couldn’t believe what she had heard. She knew Clarke loved her but with her putting into those words, it brought tears to her eyes. Proud and loving tears. All she ever wanted to be was Clarke’s happiness, her light, and actually hearing her say it was better than she could have imagined. Lexa felt herself falling more in love with Clarke with every passing minute. 

When Clarke had led them all the way back to the car and Lexa began to feel her wet cheeks, she stopped them, pulling on Clarke’s arm until she was close enough to feel her breathe. She held her as close as she could and then tried to hold her even closer. She leaned back to look into Clarke’s soothing cerulean eyes. Not knowing what to say, Lexa brought her hand to Clarke’s neck and kissed her, hoping it would say everything she couldn’t. 

“Thank you,” she said when the kiss broke but still holding each other closely. 

“For as long as we’re both breathing, we’re in this together.” Lexa felt lips on her forehead as she buried her face in Clarke’s neck and she could feel the calming vibrations of Clarke’s voice. “I promise.”


End file.
